BREAKING: Bloomberg Says God Wants Bill de Blasio Homeless, Declares Martial Law
Mayor Bloomberg said New York's welfare was too important to be left in the hands of a democratically elected mayor. The mayor claimed there was abundant precedent for this. "I overturned at least two democratic elections to get my third term, and I see no reason not to do it once again for my fourth and permanent term," stated the mayor, who went on to outline his vision for the city's future.
"As I've previously explained," the mayor told us, "NYC is the best place on earth to be homeless. Who wants to wander among dilapidated third-world slums when you can be homeless near world-class art museums and the world's best theater? What's better than mining the dumpsters of fine restaurants for the remains of the best-crafted meals available anywhere?" Mayor Bloomberg then pledged to make New York the number one homeless destination in the nation, if not the world.
Mayor Bloomberg apologized to Bill de Blasio, but asserted that Gracie Mansion would not be available to him. The mayor pointed out that if de Blasio had made other plans for his Brooklyn home, he was welcome to join the ranks of the lucky NYC homeless. While Bloomberg himself was not planning to live at Gracie, opting for his own mansions and Bermuda getaway, he explained that it would simply look bad if de Blasio and family were allowed to live there
