WRESTLEMANIA: THE OVAL OFFICE SMACKDOWN
NARRATED BY WWE OWNER AND NEWLY MINTED SEC. OF EDUCATION LINDA MCMAHON
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and all you policy wonks out there, welcome to the most electrifying showdown in the history of geopolitics! Live from the Oval Office—yes, the one with the fancy rugs and the bust of Lincoln that always looks slightly disappointed—we bring you the diplomatic disaster of the century: the tag team match of *Trump & Vance vs. Zelenskyy*!
The Setup
The stage is set. Under the guise of discussing a critical minerals deal—something about rare earth elements that nobody in this room can actually spell—President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, aka "The Iron Curtain Dynamo," has entered enemy territory. Across from him sits Donald "The Orange Avalanche" Trump and his tag-team partner, JD "The Ohio Outlaw" Vance.
But don't let the suits fool you, folks. These men are ready to throw down harder than a middle school dodgeball game on pizza day.
Round 1: The Entrance
The doors to the Oval Office burst open. Zelenskyy strides in, his trademark olive-green sweater making him look like a war-zone action figure. He’s carrying a dossier in one hand and what appears to be a gift basket in the other—possibly a peace offering or maybe just some leftover pierogies.
Trump spins around in his chair like a Bond villain, his red tie flapping dramatically in the air-conditioned breeze. "Well, well, well," he says, smirking like he just found an extra Big Mac in his bag. "If it isn’t my favorite Ukrainian... who’s not Hunter Biden."
From the corner of the room emerges JD Vance, looking like he just Googled "how to appear menacing." He cracks his knuckles, but only succeeds in making his Fitbit beep.
Linda McMahon (that’s me!) yells into an invisible mic: "AND HERE WE GO! It’s Zelenskyy versus two men who think diplomacy is something you order at a steakhouse!"
Round 2: The Accusations Fly
Trump starts strong, pointing a finger at Zelenskyy like he’s accusing him of stealing his fries. "You know, Volodymyr—can I call you Vlad? No? Okay, whatever—you haven’t been very grateful for all the money we’ve been sending you."
Zelenskyy raises an eyebrow so high it practically touches his hairline. "Grateful? I literally thanked you in three languages last week!"
JD Vance jumps in, attempting a body slam of logic. "Yeah, but did you *mean it*? Because I didn’t feel it in my heart."
"Oh, you didn’t feel it in your heart?" Zelenskyy retorts. "Maybe that’s because your heart is as cold as Siberia in January!"
The crowd (which is really just a confused intern holding a clipboard) gasps audibly.
Round 3: Trump’s Grievance Monologue
Trump suddenly stands up, knocking over a Diet Coke can like it’s an innocent bystander caught in the crossfire. "You know what this reminds me of? The perfect phone call. Remember that? Everyone said it was perfect. Tremendous phone call. And what did I get for it? Impeachment! Unbelievable!"
Zelenskyy facepalms so hard you can hear it echo through the room. "Are we seriously doing this again? I thought we were here to talk about minerals!"
"Minerals?!" Trump scoffs. "The only minerals I care about are the ones in my golf course sand traps. Tremendous sand traps. People love them."
JD Vance tries to tag in but gets distracted by a text from someone named Mitch McConnell asking why he’s not back at work.
Round 4: The Chair Shot (Metaphorically Speaking)
Just when it seems like Zelenskyy might actually walk out of this with his dignity intact, Trump pulls out his signature move: The Grievance Pile Driver. "You know," he says, leaning in conspiratorially, "I could’ve made Ukraine great again. But noooo, you had to go and buddy up with Sleepy Joe."
Zelenskyy narrows his eyes. "You mean the guy who actually sends us aid without turning it into a reality TV episode?"
Linda McMahon interrupts: "OH SNAP! ZELENSKYY JUST DROPPED A TRUTH BOMB FROM THE TOP ROPE!"
Trump looks flustered but quickly recovers. "Fake news," he mutters under his breath before turning to Vance. "JD, do something! Say something tough!"
Vance clears his throat and attempts an insult. "Uh... your sweater looks like it was knitted by a babushka who lost her glasses."
There’s an awkward silence as everyone processes how weirdly specific that was. Even Trump looks unimpressed.
Round 5: The Unexpected Tag-In
Just when things are about to spiral completely out of control, the door swings open and Secretary of State Marco Rubio enters like a substitute teacher walking into a food fight. "Alright, everyone, that’s enough!" he shouts, holding up his hands like he’s about to start karaoke night at Applebee’s.
"Marco!" Trump exclaims, visibly relieved. "Finally, someone who understands how unfairly I’ve been treated."
Rubio ignores him and turns to Zelenskyy. "Mr. President, let’s get back to discussing that minerals deal before this turns into an actual WWE match."
Zelenskyy nods, clearly exhausted but still standing tall. "Thank you," he says, shooting a final glare at Trump and Vance.
The Aftermath
As Zelenskyy leaves the room with Rubio, Trump slumps back into his chair and mutters something about how much better this meeting would’ve been if Vince McMahon were running it instead of Linda. JD Vance quietly Googles “how to look intimidating during international diplomacy” on his phone.
Meanwhile, I (Linda McMahon!) stand off to the side, shaking my head and wondering if maybe I should’ve just stuck to running SmackDown instead of overseeing America’s education system.
And there you have it, folks! The Oval Office Smackdown: where diplomacy takes a backseat to drama, egos are bigger than national security concerns, and nobody—not even Lincoln’s bust—comes out unscathed. Tune in next week when we see if Rubio can salvage this mess or if Zelenskyy challenges Trump to a steel cage match instead!
