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THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION'S CABINET OF CHAOS PLAYS AMERICA LIKE A BROKEN XBOX
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what can only be described as the world's most expensive gaming convention crossed with a reality TV show that got cancelled but somehow kept filming anyway, the second Trump administration has assembled a cabinet that makes your average Discord server look like a model of mature governance.
This isn't just a basket of deplorables anymore, folks. This is a full-blown GameStop dumpster fire, a Steam sale gone wrong, a Twitch stream that should have been banned for violating community guidelines. Welcome to Cabinet Con 2025, where the only thing getting leveled up is corruption, and everyone's speedrunning their way to a congressional investigation.
PLAYER ONE HAS ENTERED THE GAME: Trump's "Emperor: Conquer Your Queen"
Our Commander-in-Chief returns to the Oval Office playing what can only be described as a deeply problematic dating sim meets authoritarian strategy game. "Emperor: Conquer Your Queen" is apparently Trump's game of choice, which tracks perfectly for a man who views governance as a combination of medieval conquest and a particularly aggressive episode of The Bachelor.
The objective? Consolidate power, eliminate rivals, and tweet at 3 AM like a teenager who just discovered energy drinks. Side quests include: avoiding legal consequences, retconning reality, and collecting loyalty pledges like Pokémon cards. The final boss? Democracy itself, apparently.
THE INCEL BRIGADE: When Basement Dwellers Get Security Clearances
Pete Hegseth: Secretary of Defense (CALL OF DUTY)
Nothing says "qualified to manage the world's most powerful military" quite like a Fox News host whose primary strategic experience comes from prestige lobbies and arguing about K/D ratios. Hegseth's appointment as Secretary of Defense—armed with his extensive Call of Duty credentials—suggests that Trump believes the Pentagon is just one big multiplayer map and foreign policy is basically Team Deathmatch with consequences.
Hegseth's strategic vision reportedly includes: more tactical airstrikes (he saw it work in Warzone), questioning whether we really need to follow the Geneva Conventions (they're more like guidelines, right?), and a controversial proposal to replace military briefings with Let's Play videos. His confirmation hearing featured the memorable moment when he suggested we "just rush B" in response to a question about Middle East policy.
Scandal Alert: Sources report Hegseth has been accused of treating female service members like NPCs, with multiple complaints about his "locker room talk" that would get him banned from any reputable gaming platform. But hey, at least he can quickscope.
Marco Rubio: Secretary of State (World Conqueror 4)
Little Marco—sorry, Secretary Marco—brings his World Conqueror 4 expertise to international diplomacy, which explains why his foreign policy strategy appears to be "click on country, send troops, repeat." Rubio's approach to geopolitics has all the nuance of a mobile strategy game, which is to say: none whatsoever.
His first diplomatic cable reportedly read: "Have you tried turning it off and on again?" His second: "Git gud, scrubs." NATO allies are concerned. China is confused. Russia is... actually, Russia's probably fine with this.
Scandal Alert: Rubio was caught using State Department funds to purchase in-app currency for his mobile games. When questioned, he claimed it was "essential for understanding the digital economy." The purchases totaled $47,000 and included something called "Gem Pack Mega Bundle Supreme."
Stephen Miller: Senior Advisor (Nazi Zombies)
The final boss of the incel brigade, Stephen Miller, returns to haunt our screens like that one toxic player who never logs off. His game of choice? Nazi Zombies—though sources suggest he might be confused about which side he's supposed to be fighting for.
Miller's policy proposals read like the fever dream of someone who spent too long in a Reddit rabbit hole and emerged believing that immigration law should be written in ALL CAPS with multiple exclamation points. His office decor reportedly includes several body pillows with questionable imagery and a Funko Pop collection that "captures the essence of authoritarian regimes throughout history."
Scandal Alert: Miller was recently exposed for running a Telegram channel called "Policy Incels United" where he and other administration officials share memes about "alpha governance" and complain about "woke mind virus." The channel has 47 members, 43 of whom are FBI agents.
THE MEAN GIRLS TABLE: Heathers Meet House of Cards
Kristi Noem: Secretary of Homeland Security (DRESS UP)
Governor "I Shot My Dog and Wrote About It Like It Was a Flex" Noem brings her Dress Up gaming expertise to Homeland Security, because apparently, protecting America's borders is all about accessorizing correctly. Her approach to national security involves color-coordinating threat levels with her outfit choices and making sure ICE agents have "on-brand aesthetics."
Noem's controversial leadership style includes mandatory "glow-up" sessions for DHS employees, a rebranding of border security as "perimeter fashion policing," and an ill-advised attempt to make "deportation chic" happen. (It's not going to happen, Kristi.)
Scandal Alert: Noem was caught using DHS helicopters for personal shopping trips to New York Fashion Week. When confronted, she claimed she was "conducting surveillance on suspicious fabrics." She also allegedly maintains a burn book rating the attractiveness of foreign dignitaries, which has caused several international incidents.
Pam Bondi: Attorney General (Guilty as Sock!)
The irony of an Attorney General whose game of choice is literally called "Guilty as Sock!" is apparently lost on everyone in this administration. Bondi, who has more conflicts of interest than a mob lawyer at a RICO trial, brings her unique brand of "justice for me but not for thee" to the Department of Justice.
Her legal philosophy can be summed up as: "Laws are just suggestions, and I'm not good at taking suggestions." Her first act as AG was to rename the DOJ to the "Department of Just-Us" before staffers convinced her that was "too on the nose."
Scandal Alert: Bondi has been accused of running the DOJ like a protection racket, offering to drop investigations in exchange for favorable Yelp reviews of her favorite restaurants. She's also facing questions about why she keeps referring to the Constitution as "that old piece of paper with the fancy writing."
JD Vance: Vice President (Beauty Queen Dress Up Games)
Oh, JD. From Yale Law to Beauty Queen Dress Up Games. What a journey. The author of Hillbilly Elegy has apparently decided that governing is less important than achieving the perfect smoky eye and mastering the art of the pageant wave.
Vance's transformation from "voice of the forgotten working class" to "guy who spends three hours getting ready for a press conference" has been nothing short of spectacular. His policy contributions have been minimal, but his skincare routine is immaculate. Priorities, people.
Scandal Alert: Vance was recently exposed for spending $200,000 in campaign funds on cosmetics, wigs, and what his office described as "essential beauty supplies for diplomatic purposes." He's also been accused of ghosting several important Senate votes because they conflicted with his "self-care Sundays."
THE GRIFTER'S PARADISE: Monetizing Government, One Loot Box at a Time
Scott Bessent: Secretary of the Treasury (MONOPOLY)
Finally, someone whose game actually relates to their job! Unfortunately, Bessent appears to have learned everything he knows about economics from Monopoly, which explains his proposal to replace the Federal Reserve with "just landing on Free Parking and collecting all the money."
His economic plan includes: making everyone start with $1,500, taxing people who land on your properties, and something called "Get Out of Recession Free" cards. When economists tried to explain why this wouldn't work, he reportedly said, "Sounds like someone's mad they landed on Boardwalk with a hotel."
Scandal Alert: Bessent has been accused of insider trading, which he defended by saying, "It's not cheating if you're the banker." He's also under investigation for attempting to purchase Mediterranean Avenue with taxpayer funds for "strategic economic reasons."
Doug Burgum: Secretary of the Interior (Oil Tycoon)
Putting an Oil Tycoon player in charge of America's public lands is like putting a fox in charge of henhouse security—if the fox also had a degree in business administration and a complete disregard for environmental regulations.
Burgum's vision for America's national parks includes: drilling rights, more drilling rights, gift shops that sell drilling equipment, and a rebrand of "Old Faithful" to "Old Profitable." His motto? "Can't spell 'conservation' without 'con.'" (Actually, you can, but don't tell him that.)
Scandal Alert: Burgum was caught attempting to lease Yellowstone to ExxonMobil for "exploratory purposes." When environmental groups protested, he suggested they "just play the game on a different map." He's also facing questions about why his office furniture is made entirely from endangered tree species.
Howard Lutnick: Secretary of Commerce (Commerce | Board Game)
In a rare case of someone actually playing a game related to their position, Lutnick brings his Commerce board game expertise to... well, commerce. The problem? He thinks international trade works like a board game where you can just flip the table if you're losing.
His trade policy consists entirely of: "I'll trade you two sheep for a wheat," which has left trade negotiators from other countries deeply confused. His attempt to explain tariffs using Settlers of Catan rules caused a minor diplomatic incident with Canada.
Scandal Alert: Lutnick has been accused of treating the Commerce Department like his personal Etsy shop, using government resources to sell "artisanal" products that are definitely just rebranded Chinese imports. His side hustle, "Lutnick's Luxury Goods," is currently under investigation for fraud, tax evasion, and crimes against taste.
THE WILDCARD CATEGORY: Too Weird to Classify
Robert F. Kennedy Jr.: Secretary of Health and Human Services (Hospital Surgeon: Doctor's Game)
RFK Jr., whose medical expertise comes entirely from Hospital Surgeon: Doctor's Game and a YouTube rabbit hole that started with "vaccine questions" and ended somewhere around "chemtrails are making the frogs gay," is now in charge of America's health.
His first official act? Proposing that we replace the CDC with "a really good Facebook group." His second? Suggesting that all diseases can be cured with a combination of essential oils, positive thinking, and whatever that dead worm in his brain was eating. His health policy is literally "thoughts and prayers," but he means it literally—he thinks thoughts and prayers have measurable medical efficacy.
Scandal Alert: Kennedy has been caught promoting his own line of "wellness products" that include: brain worm repellent (ironic), anti-vax vitamins (contradictory), and something called "Kennedy Kure-All" that's just repackaged snake oil. The FDA tried to intervene, but he claims they're "part of the conspiracy."
Tulsi Gabbard: Director of National Intelligence
Gabbard's game isn't listed, but based on her policy positions and questionable allegiances, we're guessing it's something like Among Us—because nobody's quite sure whose side she's on, and there's a decent chance she's the impostor.
Her intelligence briefings reportedly consist of: "I don't know, seems sus," "trust me bro," and long tangents about how "both sides are equally bad" when discussing literal adversarial nations. The CIA has taken to giving her fake intelligence just to see where it ends up. (Spoiler: It ends up on Russian state television.)
Scandal Alert: Gabbard was caught on a hot mic saying, "I mean, is espionage really that bad if everyone's doing it?" She's also under investigation for her mysterious trips to Syria, which she describes as "fact-finding missions" and everyone else describes as "deeply concerning."
Linda McMahon: Secretary of Education
The former WWE executive is in charge of education, which makes perfect sense if you've given up on sense entirely. McMahon's educational philosophy appears to be: "If it worked for professional wrestling, it'll work for schools."
Her proposals include: replacing standardized tests with cage matches, giving teachers folding chairs for "classroom management," and introducing a new grading system based on crowd reactions. Her slogan? "No Child Left Behind the Ropes."
Scandal Alert: McMahon has been accused of treating the Department of Education like a WWE storyline, complete with scripted feuds between different schools and a controversial "heel turn" where she proposed eliminating the department entirely. She's also facing questions about why she keeps referring to teachers as "jobbers."
THE FINAL BOSS: Susie Wiles, Chief of Staff (Mother Simulator: Family Life)
And finally, we have Susie Wiles, the Chief of Staff playing Mother Simulator: Family Life, which is appropriate because her job is essentially herding cats—if the cats were narcissistic billionaires with security clearances and Twitter addictions.
Wiles' day-to-day responsibilities include: preventing Trump from starting wars via social media, explaining to cabinet members why they can't just "do crimes," and maintaining the elaborate fiction that this is a functional administration. She's basically running a daycare for geriatric toddlers with nuclear codes.
Scandal Alert: Wiles was recently recorded saying, "I don't know how much longer I can do this" while drinking directly from a wine bottle at 10 AM. Sources say she's started a betting pool on which cabinet member will be indicted first. She's winning.
GAME OVER? NOT YET.
As this chaotic campaign continues, the American people are left wondering: Is this real life, or are we all trapped in some kind of twisted political simulation where the difficulty is set to "Impossible" and someone turned off the tutorial?
The Trump administration's cabinet reads like a character selection screen from a game that never should have been greenlit. It's got all the elements of a viral disaster: incompetence, corruption, narcissism, and enough scandals to fill a Netflix limited series (which will inevitably be made, probably starring actors who are somehow less believable than the real people).
But here's the thing about games: eventually, you run out of lives. Eventually, the timer runs down. Eventually, even the most dedicated grifter has to face the game over screen.
Or, in this case, the voters.
Achievement Unlocked: You've survived another day of this administration.
Current Status: Democracy.exe has stopped responding.
Press F to pay respects to the Republic.
Disclaimer: This is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is entirely intentional and deeply concerning. Please vote responsibly. Please.
