TRUMP CHANNELS MARIE ANTOINETTE IN PRIME-TIME ADDRESS
"LET THEM EAT CHEAPER EGGS"
Former President Declares Inflation Victory While Nation's Wallets Stage Peaceful Protest
WASHINGTON — In an 18-minute prime-time address that historians are already calling "The Versailles Moment," former President Donald Trump delivered what fact-checkers are describing as a "record-breaking lies-per-minute performance," surpassing even his own previously unassailable records.
The speech, which Trump was reportedly forced to deliver by Chief of Staff Susie Wiles in what insiders are calling a "mommy made me do it" situation, saw the visibly uncomfortable 78-year-old reading from a teleprompter with all the enthusiasm of a child reciting homework at gunpoint.
"Believe Me, Not Your Grocery Receipt"
In what political analysts are comparing to Marie Antoinette's legendary disconnect from reality, Trump insisted that grocery prices and inflation have plummeted, urging Americans to trust his assessment rather than the receipts currently causing their wallets to file for bankruptcy protection.
"Folks, groceries are down, way down," Trump declared, his voice reaching a pitch typically reserved for dog whistles, leading some observers to speculate he'd either doubled his Adderall dose or was experiencing what medical professionals call "restrictive undergarment syndrome."
The claim comes as actual Americans report spending an average of $235 per week on groceries, with beef prices up 11-16%, coffee up 35%, and the collective national budget for eggs requiring a second mortgage.
The Dazed and Confused Tour Continues
Looking more "dazed and confused than normal," according to multiple news outlets too polite to use the phrase "elderly man yells at teleprompter," Trump shuffled through his greatest hits of falsehoods with the energy of someone who really, really wanted to be anywhere else.
The performance included:
The "I Stopped Inflation" Fantasy: Trump claimed inflation had completely stopped during his presidency, a statement so divorced from reality that economists briefly considered whether he'd been living in an alternate dimension where numbers work differently.
The "$18 Trillion Investment" Illusion: Touting $18 trillion in investments during his "second presidency" (a term that requires significant creative interpretation of both time and reality), Trump cited figures that appear to include every vague corporate pledge, Monopoly money, and possibly his own net worth estimates.
The "I Ended Eight Wars" Spectacular: In a claim that left military historians checking their notes and wondering if they'd missed several major conflicts, Trump took credit for ending wars that are either still ongoing, never happened, or were actually resolved by other people.
The "25 Million Migrants" Math Disaster: Trump's assertion that 25 million migrants entered under Biden represents what mathematicians call "a number I pulled from somewhere the sun doesn't shine."
The Uncomfortable Truth
Political observers noted Trump's unusual discomfort at the podium, with theories ranging from pharmaceutical miscalculation to what one anonymous aide described as "a diaper situation that required immediate attention but couldn't get it due to the live broadcast."
His petulant demeanor throughout suggested a man who'd rather be literally anywhere else—perhaps a golf course, a courtroom, or a bunker where teleprompters can't hurt him.
The Reality Check
While Trump painted a rosy picture of an economy thriving under his... well, under something, the actual data tells a different story:
- Food insecurity has risen to 14.2% (up from 12.5% in 2024)
- Overall food prices are up 2.6% year-over-year
- Beef and veal prices have increased 13.9%
- The government currently stores 1.4 billion pounds of surplus cheese in caves because the economy is definitely fine
News outlets across the spectrum responded with what can only be described as collective exasperation, with fact-checkers working overtime and several reportedly requesting hazard pay for exposure to such concentrated falsehood density.
The Marie Antoinette Comparison
The comparison to France's most famous out-of-touch monarch is particularly apt. While Marie Antoinette allegedly suggested peasants eat cake if they had no bread (a quote historians debate), Trump has essentially told Americans to ignore their lying eyes and believe his "alternative facts" about grocery prices.
At least Marie Antoinette had the excuse of being 18 years old and living in a palace. Trump has the internet, economic advisors, and the ability to literally go to a grocery store—though sources confirm the last time he personally purchased groceries, Reagan was president and the government cheese caves were just getting started.
Looking Ahead
Trump concluded his address with what he called "a fantasy list of promises and predictions about the year ahead," which aides later clarified should be understood as "aspirational fiction" rather than actual policy proposals.
As Americans continue to struggle with actual grocery prices in the actual economy, Trump's message remains clear: Don't believe your receipts, your bank account, or your lived experience. Believe the man who thinks you need ID to buy cereal and that windmills cause cancer.
Marie Antoinette, for her part, could not be reached for comment, having been unavailable since 1793. Trump's teleprompter also declined to comment, citing emotional distress and a need for therapy after the ordeal.
Editor's Note: No Adderall, diapers, or teleprompters were harmed in the making of this speech, though several fact-checkers remain in critical condition.
