IN THE BEGINNING, THERE WAS CHAOS
A BIBLICAL PARODY OF THE OLIGARCHY’S RAW-DOGGING OF THE CONSTITUTION
*And lo, in the days of old, when the parchment of the Constitution still held a sacred sheen, there came a cabal of conservative oligarchs, cloaked in the garb of righteousness, who gazed upon the land of liberty and said, “Let us remake this in our image.” And thus began the great raw-dogging of the Constitution, a tale so fraught with hubris and havoc it could rival the plagues of Egypt or the fiery brimstone of Sodom. This is no mere history lesson, dear reader, but a modern Genesis, complete with serpents, floods, and a golden calf named King Trump.*
The First Day: The Senate’s Original Sin
In the beginning, there was the Senate, a body meant to be a temple of deliberation, a check on the passions of the mob. But behold, under the stewardship of Mitch McConnell, that grizzled high priest of obstruction, it became a den of opportunists. With a wave of his gavel, McConnell blocked Merrick Garland’s ascension to the Supreme Court in 2016, proclaiming, “Let the people decide!”—as if the people hadn’t already decided when they elected Obama. The seat was left vacant, a sacrificial lamb to the gods of partisanship, until Neil Gorsuch, a herald of originalism, was anointed in 2017.
Not content with this single act of sacrilege, McConnell invoked the “nuclear option,” stripping the filibuster for Supreme Court nominees like a thief stripping an altar. The threshold for confirmation plummeted from 60 votes to a mere 51, ensuring that the conservative flock could pack the courts with ease. And when Ruth Bader Ginsburg ascended to the heavens in 2020, McConnell, with the hypocrisy of a Pharisee, rushed Amy Coney Barrett onto the bench mere days before an election, claiming divine right because the Senate and presidency were aligned. Thus, the Senate begat a 6-3 conservative Supreme Court, and the people wept, for the scales of justice were tipped.
The Second Day: The Supreme Court’s Fall from Grace
And so, the Supreme Court, once a bastion of impartiality, became a citadel of conservative dogma. With its new majority, it embraced the Unitary Executive Theory, a doctrine as seductive as the serpent in Eden. This theory, rooted in the Vesting Clause of Article II, declared that the president alone wielded all executive power, free to smite agency heads and bend bureaucrats to his will. In rulings like *Seila Law v. CFPB*, the Court chipped away at the independence of agencies, granting the president the power to fire at whim, like a king casting out disloyal courtiers.
The Court, now a rubber stamp for the executive, turned its gaze to the Constitution itself, rewriting it with each ruling. It declared corporations to be people, money to be speech, and presidential power to be nigh limitless. The checks and balances, those sacred pillars of the republic, crumbled like Jericho’s walls. And the people looked upon this and said, “Is this not the work of a king?” And lo, it was.
The Third Day: The Rise of King Trump
From this unholy trinity of Senate, Court, and unitary executive arose King Trump, a figure so gilded and bombastic he could make Nebuchadnezzar blush. With the Court’s blessing and the Senate’s acquiescence, he ruled as if ordained by divine right. He fired the a director of the Federal Reserve Board for daring to whisper of economic caution. He ousted the head of the CDC for speaking truths about plagues that did not suit his narrative. And he sent the military into cities, not to quell rebellion, but to hunt immigrants in a spectacle of extralegal fervor.
His flunkies and loyalists, like locusts, swarmed the agencies, replacing experts with sycophants. The Department of Justice became a royal court, the EPA a playground for polluters, and the State Department a stage for diplomatic farce. Congress, meant to be the people’s voice, sat on its hands, as idle as the Israelites before the golden calf. And the billionaires, those high priests of the oligarchy, rejoiced, for the chaos allowed them to loot the nation’s wealth unchecked.
The Fourth Day: The Plagues of Chaos and Confusion
Like the plagues of Egypt, chaos descended upon the land. The citizenry, bewildered by the upheaval, turned against one another. The oligarchs, guided by algorithms more cunning than any soothsayer, raised energy prices faster than AI could steal jobs. The wealth of the nation flowed upward, a reverse manna from heaven, into the coffers of billionaires who stood above the law. The United States, once dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal, became a wholly owned subsidiary of the billionaire class, a nation where the only inalienable right was the right to profit.
The Supreme Court, bowing to King Trump, upheld his every decree. When he declared himself immune from prosecution, they nodded. When he rewrote the rules of governance, they clapped. And when he turned the military into his personal posse, they looked the other way, their robes stained with the ink of complicity.
The Fifth Day: The People’s Last Stand
Yet, in the midst of this darkness, a light flickers. We, the people, stand as the last line of defense against this fascist tide. The Constitution, though battered, still whispers its truths: “We the People.” Not “We the Billionaires,” nor “We the King.” The preamble calls us to form a more perfect union, not a perfect autocracy.
We must organize, as the minutemen did against the redcoats. We must protest, as the suffragists did for the vote. And above all, we must vote, as if the soul of the nation depends on it—for it does. We must elect leaders who cherish democracy, who reject the siren songs of authoritarianism and oligarchy. We must demand a Supreme Court that serves justice, not power, and reject the heresies of the unitary executive, corporate personhood, and money as speech.
Let us restore the checks and balances, those sacred covenants that keep tyranny at bay. Let us rebuild a government where the legislative, executive, and judicial branches dance in harmony, not in servitude to a single master. And let us proclaim, with the fervor of prophets, that this nation belongs to its people, not its plutocrats.
The Sixth Day: A New Covenant
And so, we stand at the precipice, gazing into the abyss of chaos or the promise of renewal. The oligarchs may have raw-dogged the Constitution, but it is not yet dead. It lives in the hearts of those who believe in justice, equality, and the rule of law. The plagues of division and destruction can be overcome, not with fire and brimstone, but with the quiet power of the ballot box and the unyielding spirit of a free people.
In the end, the story of America is not Genesis, nor Revelation, but a testament to resilience. Let us write the next chapter, not as subjects of a king, but as architects of a republic reborn. For if we fail, the locusts will feast, the fires will burn, and the oligarchs will laugh all the way to the bank. But if we rise, we can say, as the framers did, “We the People”—and mean it.
*Sources: As cited in the user’s provided context, including references to McConnell’s judicial strategies, Supreme Court rulings, and the unitary executive theory. No additional search was needed, as the provided information was sufficient to craft this satirical lament.*
