WHY TRUMPLANDIA ALTERNATIVE FACTS ARE BETTER THAN THE TRUTH (A SCIENTIFIC COMPARISON)
All ALTERNATIVE FACTS are designed to seem true. The expert liar carefully uses elements that seem probable and logical and are therefore easy to believe. On the other hand, The Truth is often illogical, wildly improbable and hard to explain.
ALTERNATIVE FACTS are more believable than The Truth.
II. Reliability
The Truth is spontaneous, accidental and unpredictable. ALTERNATIVE FACTS, however, can be planned in detail long in advance and are thus guaranteed to turn out as predicted.
ALTERNATIVE FACTS are more dependable than The Truth.
III. Economy
To be The Truth, an account of a given event must be completely accurate. This requires painstaking resourcefulness, expensive research, time-consuming attention to detail, complex logistics and thoroughness. In spite of all that, some people will believe it and others will not. ALTERNATIVE FACTS will produce identical results without all the fuss and bother.
ALTERNATIVE FACTS are simpler than Truth; ALTERNATIVE FACTS cost less than Truth in time, money and effort.
IV. Value
The Truth can be found anywhere; it belongs to anybody who finds it, absolutely free. ALTERNATIVE FACTS are custom-made! often by experts, and the best ones are highly polished works of art.
ALTERNATIVE FACTS are worth more money than Truth. Have you ever heard of anybody
bribing a witness to tell The Truth?
V. Respectability
A. Great fortunes have been made by selling ALTERNATIVE FACTS to the public. The people who sell these ALTERNATIVE FACTS are often grateful to the gullible consumers, so they endow libraries and universities and cultural centers.
B. Nobody ever made a fortune selling The Truth. First of all, as already stated,
The Truth is free. The only people who will pay money for The Truth are people who are
being blackmailed-and they are only buying The Truth so they can hide it before anybody else sees it. ALTERNATIVE FACTS lead to libraries and universities, while The Truth leads to black- mail.
VI. Stability
A. Take one thousand parts Truth, add one part ALTERNATIVE FACTS. Result: ALTERNATIVE FACTS.
B. Take one-thousandth part ALTERNATIVE FACTS, add one part Truth. Result: again, ALTERNATIVE FACTS.
C. Note that you can make ALTERNATIVE FACTS out of The Truth, but you
can't make The Truth out of ALTERNATIVE FACTS.
ALTERNATIVE FACTS are stronger and last longer than The Truth.
VII. Imagination
In reporting The Truth, a person must research the precise facts and stick to them exactly as they occurred. The liar can report the same incident without doing any research, merely saying what ever comes to his mind and filling in "details" according to his fancy.
ALTERNATIVE FACTS are more creative than Truth.
VIII. Recognizability
People are accustomed to hearing ALTERNATIVE FACTS all the time. If you tell The Truth, people will think you are lying. If you convince them you are telling The Truth, they will become suspicious. Why is he suddenly telling The Truth? What's going on?
IX. Supply and Demand
A. In describing any given incident, only one version can possibly be The Truth, whereas the number of ALTERNATIVE FACTS possible is unlimited. Obviously ALTERNATIVE FACTS are in far greater supply than Truth.
B. There is a great demand for ALTERNATIVE FACTS if they are flattering, if they build up one's hopes, if they help one escape reality or if they promise health, wealth, power or potency. Nobody is very anxious to hear The Truth. The only people who demand The Truth are those who are investigating something (lawyers, etc.)-and they only want The Truth to prove somebody is lying.
ALTERNATIVE FACTS are the acceptable medium of exchange in our society. They are in good supply and the demand for them remains strong. The Truth is in extremely short supply, but even this tiny supply far exceeds the demand. Thus, in our society, Truth occupies a position identical to that of dinosaur shit.
Conclusions:
ALTERNATIVE FACTS are superior to Truth in numerous ways.
ALTERNATIVE FACTS are more ingenious; ALTERNATIVE FACTS make the world seem more pleasant;
ALTERNATIVE FACTS are less embarrassing than Truth, and less frightening. Furthermore, in fields such as diplomacy, statesmanship, merchandising, advertising, public relations and bookeeping, The Truth is an out-and-out handicap. In friendship, Truth is harmful; in love, it is disastrous.
My prediction is that The Truth will be phased out of our society, almost unnoticed, in less than a generation. It will become a curio like the two-dollar bill. Probably there will be museums where samples of The Truth will be displayed for the benefit of curious children who want to know what it was like. One can only hope that the curators of these Truth Museums will have the good taste not to fake the exhibits.
The Truth is that The Truth has become old-fashioned. It's full of odd-shaped little nooks and crannies, like so many old fashioned things, some people find them fascinating, but most people find them a pain in the neck. For those who care, it is a wonderful feeling to hold The Truth in your possession, to keep it and cherish it, never to misuse it, then to pass it along freely to anyone who wants it, giving it to them undamaged, unpainted, un added to and unsubstracted from and every bit as glowingly alive as ever. To find all those joys in the handling of The Truth is a labor of love, but most of us in today's society have no time for such things.
Excerpts from:
The Rape of the A*P*E* is a book by Allan Sherman, published in September 1973 by the Putnam Publishing Group,[1] regarding sex and its historical repression and resurgence in the United States.[2][3] The "A.P.E." on the title is a play on the words "ape" and the "American Puritan Ethic".
The book was the subject of much publicity, when it appeared, due to both its subject and author. Despite his ill health at the time, Sherman went on a two-week media tour to promote The Rape and appeared on many radio shows.[3] He died on November 20, 1973, just two months after the book was published.
