TRUMP MAKE AMERICA WEIRD AGAIN: A WEEK SO ABSURD, SATIRE FILED FOR UNEMPLOYMENT

Featuring: Ill-fitting footwear, well-executed war crimes, and zero self-awareness

WASHINGTON — In a city that once prided itself on dignified incompetence, March 2026 has delivered a masterclass in what historians will surely call "advanced absurdism." While most administrations juggle crises with at least a veneer of gravitas, the Trump White House has decided to throw the playbook out the window and replace it with a QVC catalog, a PlayStation controller, and what appears to be a dartboard for policy decisions.

Welcome to a week where shoes became a loyalty test, war became content, and the phrase "let's make a deal" took on terrifyingly literal dimensions.

THE CABINET CLUB: WHEN FOOTWEAR BECOMES FOREIGN POLICY

Let's start with the story that has Washington's political class staring at their own feet in existential dread: President Trump has apparently appointed himself the Tim Gunn of Pennsylvania Avenue, conducting impromptu fashion interventions during national security briefings.

The ritual is now well-documented: Mid-discussion about, say, nuclear proliferation, the President's gaze drifts downward. His face contorts. "Those shoes are shity," he announces, with the confidence of a man who has never been told "no" by a mirror. He then guesses the offending advisor's shoe size—because apparently measuring is for people who believe in science—and orders them a pair of $145 Florsheim dress shoes from a catalog he keeps in the Resolute Desk.

The result? A Cabinet that looks increasingly like a corporate team-building exercise gone wrong. VP JD Vance, Marco Rubio, Pete Hegseth, and Howard Lutnick now shuffle through the West Wing in matching footwear, their individuality literally stripped from the ankles down.

The pièce de résistance? Photos of Secretary of State Marco Rubio—a man tasked with representing American interests abroad—clomping around in shoes approximately three sizes too large, heels gaping like the credibility gap of this entire administration. One diplomatic correspondent described it as "watching a toddler play dress-up in his father's closet, except the toddler controls nuclear codes."

The delicious irony? Florsheim's parent company, Weyco Group, is currently suing the U.S. government over Trump's own tariffs, since these patriotic shoes are manufactured in—wait for it—China. Nothing says "America First" quite like forcing your Cabinet to wear Chinese-made shoes while fighting a trade war. Chef's kiss.

OPERATION EPIC FURY: CALL OF DUTY MEETS CRIMES AGAINST GOOD TASTE

If the shoe situation represents the administration's domestic weirdness, the Iran conflict has become its international cringe factory.

Somewhere in the White House communications bunker, a 23-year-old intern with a gaming addiction and zero understanding of the Geneva Conventions has been given the keys to America's military social media presence. The result is "Operation Epic Fury"—a name that sounds like it was focus-grouped among energy drink enthusiasts—promoted through videos that make Top Gun: Maverick look like a Ken Burns documentary.

Official White House accounts are now posting:

• "Kill score" graphics lifted directly from Call of Duty, with point values popping up over real explosions that killed real people
• SpongeBob SquarePants memes (specifically the "Wanna see me do it again?" clip) juxtaposed with footage of missile strikes
• Montages set to aggressive rap and movie soundtracks, because nothing says "solemn military operation" like Kendrick Lamar and Hans Zimmer having a baby over footage of infrastructure destruction

Veterans groups are apoplectic. International law experts are speechless. TikTok, however, is thriving.

In a mid-March interview, Trump casually suggested the U.S. might strike Iran's Kharg Island oil terminal "a few more times just for fun"—a comment that sent oil prices soaring, global markets into panic, and State Department officials diving for their resignation letters.

When asked about civilian casualties, sources say Trump responded: "Have you seen the engagement numbers? Incredible. Best military content ever."

LET'S MAKE A DEAL: JARED AND STEVE'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE

Meanwhile, in what can only be described as "shadow government meets game show," Jared Kushner and Steve Bannon have reportedly been conducting freelance diplomacy with all the oversight of a lemonade stand.

The duo—one a real estate heir who thinks peace is a PowerPoint presentation, the other a man who looks like he sleeps in a filing cabinet—have been jetting around making "deals" with the blessing of a President who apparently believes foreign policy works like The Apprentice.

Details are murky, but sources suggest these "negotiations" involve:

• Vague promises about infrastructure
• Cryptocurrency schemes that may or may not be legal
• At least one proposal to turn a disputed territory into a luxury resort

When questioned about oversight, a White House spokesperson said, "The President trusts them completely," which is exactly what you want to hear about unelected officials conducting international relations.

THE "SAVE AMERICA ACT" ULTIMATUM: LEGISLATION BY TANTRUM

Not to be outdone by external chaos, Trump has issued an ultimatum to Congressional Republicans: pass his "Save America Act"—a sprawling, barely coherent omnibus bill—or face his wrath in primary challenges.

The bill reportedly includes:

• Tax cuts for the wealthy (naturally)
• Funding for "the big, beautiful wall" (still)
• A provision requiring all federal buildings to display Trump's portrait
• Something about cryptocurrency that even crypto bros don't understand
• And, buried on page 847, what appears to be a personal tax exemption for the Trump Organization

Republicans are torn between their survival instincts and their last remaining shreds of dignity. Spoiler alert: dignity is losing.

CONTROVERSY OVER MILITARY RITES: WHEN PHOTO OPS GO WRONG

In a week already overflowing with tone-deaf moments, the administration managed to spark outrage over military funeral protocols. Reports suggest Trump attempted to turn a solemn ceremony for fallen service members into what witnesses described as "a campaign rally with a coffin."

The President allegedly:

• Arrived 45 minutes late
• Spent the ceremony checking his phone
• Posed for photos giving a thumbs-up next to grieving families
• Mentioned his poll numbers three times during brief remarks

Gold Star families are furious. Military leadership is quietly seething. And somewhere, a White House scheduler is updating their résumé.

Adding to the military-themed chaos, Trump posted a throwback photo of himself at New York Military Academy with the caption "At Military. High rank!"—a claim that sent fact-checkers into overdrive and meme creators into ecstasy. (Spoiler: He was a cadet. Not quite Joint Chiefs material.)

PUSH ON HAITIAN TPS: CRUELTY AS POLICY

Amidst the circus, the administration has quietly moved to terminate Temporary Protected Status for Haitian immigrants—a policy shift affecting thousands of people who fled natural disasters and political instability.

The move has been condemned by humanitarian groups, but in a week featuring shoe obsessions and war memes, it's barely making headlines. Which might be the point.

WHITE HOUSE "COLLEGE SPORTS SUMMIT": PRIORITIES, PRIORITIES

While global markets teeter and international crises multiply, the White House hosted a "College Sports Summit"—because apparently March Madness requires presidential intervention.

The event featured:

• Trump rambling about his bracket predictions
• Multiple sports metaphors applied to military strategy
• A lengthy digression about a referee who "treated him very unfairly" in the 1980s
• Zero discussion of actual policy

One attendee described it as "like being trapped in a sports bar with your uncle who won't stop talking, except the uncle has the nuclear codes."

CAMPAIGNING AGAINST "NUTJOB" REPUBLICANS: THE CIRCULAR FIRING SQUAD

Finally, in a move that would make Machiavelli say "dude, chill," Trump has begun actively campaigning against Republican incumbents he's deemed insufficiently loyal, calling them "nutjobs," "RINOs," and in one memorable instance, "that guy with the stupid face."

The targets? Republicans who committed such cardinal sins as:

• Voting their conscience once
• Expressing mild concern about constitutional norms
• Not wearing their Florsheim shoes with sufficient enthusiasm

The GOP, already a party eating itself like a ouroboros with indigestion, is now fully engaged in civil war. Democrats are watching with popcorn. Independents are updating their passports.

WOMEN'S HISTORY MONTH: A PARTICIPATION TROPHY FOR TRUMP

And because no week of Trump chaos would be complete without weaponized irony, a Women's History Month event—designed to honor female achievement—reportedly concluded with a medal being presented to... Donald Trump.

For what, you ask? Sources are unclear. Possible reasons include:

• "Supporting women" (citation needed)
• "Being related to women" (technically true)
• "Showing up" (the bar is in hell)

The women actually being honored were given approximately 30 seconds each. Trump spoke for 40 minutes, mostly about himself.

CONCLUSION: WELCOME TO THE TIMELINE NOBODY ORDERED

So here we are, America: a nation where the President plays shoe fairy to his Cabinet, war is content, diplomacy is outsourced to a son-in-law and a guy who looks like he's decomposing in real-time, and Women's History Month celebrates... men.

Weirdness in Trump World is nothing new. But this week has been a master class in how to turn governance into performance art—bad performance art, the kind where you're not sure if you're supposed to clap or call for help.

As one exhausted Hill staffer told me: "I used to think 'unprecedented times' was hyperbole. Now I think it's a threat."

The shoes, at least, are sensibly priced.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go stare at my own footwear and contemplate the fragility of democracy.

Big Education Ape is a political correspondent who has covered Washington for over 50 years and is seriously considering a career change to lighthouse keeping.

Big Education Ape: THE TOP NEWS STORIES THIS WEEK 3-8-26 TO 3-14-26 https://bigeducationape.blogspot.com/2026/03/the-top-news-stories-this-week-3-8-26.html 

 

QUID PRO CRUDE: TRUMP'S TRANSACTIONAL LOVE AFFAIR WITH BIG OIL

From the Strait of Hormuz to the Supreme Court: The 2026 oil wars explained

March 15, 2026

In April 2024, at a Mar-a-Lago dinner that would make the Teapot Dome scandal look like a church potluck, Donald Trump made twenty oil executives an offer they couldn't refuse: Give me a billion dollars, and I'll give you the keys to the kingdom—or at least the keys to every oil field, pipeline route, and offshore drilling platform from Alaska to the Gulf of Mexico.

The pitch was so transactional it would make a used car salesman blush. "You should raise $1 billion for my campaign," Trump reportedly told the room full of fossil fuel titans. "It's a deal, because you'll save way more than that from the taxes and regulations I'll cut."

Two years later, the oil wars are going well—and yes, that pun is fully intended, because we're talking about oil wells sprouting up faster than lawsuits in a D.C. courtroom.

Welcome to 2026, where the "Oil-Garchy" is real, the regulations are rolled back, and the legal battles are just getting started.

Meet Your Oil-Garchs: The Billionaire Boys' Club Running Energy Policy

If you're wondering who exactly showed up to that fateful dinner and what they got for their money, here's your lineup:

Harold Hamm – The Energy Whisperer

Company: Continental Resources
Net Worth: $18.5billion$
Role: The man behind the curtain. Hamm didn't just donate—he helped pick the current Energy and Interior secretaries. When people say "Drill, Baby, Drill," they're basically quoting his daily affirmations.

Kelcy Warren – The Pipeline King

Company: Energy Transfer
Net Worth: $7.2billion$
The Payoff: After contributing over $$5 million to the 2024 campaign, Warren watched Trump fast-track pipeline permits on Day One. His company's stock? Let's just say it's been having a very good year.

Jeff Hildebrand – The Alaskan Adventurer

Company: Hilcorp Energy
Net Worth: $12billion$
The Bonus Round: Not only did Hildebrand get access to Alaskan federal lands at bargain-basement royalty rates, but his wife also scored an ambassadorship to Costa Rica. Nothing says "conflict of interest" like mixing diplomacy with drilling rights.

Tim Dunn – The Ideological Bankroller

Company: CrownQuest
Net Worth: $2.2billion+$
The Long Game: Dunn helped fund "Project 2025," the conservative policy blueprint that reads like the oil industry's Christmas wish list. He now sits on the board of the America First Policy Institute, where he can make sure those wishes keep coming true.

The Oil Cabinet: When the Foxes Guard the Henhouse

But why stop at campaign donations when you can just staff the entire government with oil executives?

Chris Wright (Secretary of Energy): Former CEO of Liberty Energy, a fracking company. His job now? Maximize fossil fuel production and downplay that pesky "climate science" thing.

Doug Burgum (Secretary of the Interior): The former North Dakota governor has deep ties to Harold Hamm and now oversees drilling leases on federal lands. Spoiler alert: There are a lot of new leases.

Scott Bessent (Treasury Secretary): While technically a financier, Bessent is championing the "3-3-3 plan"—increasing U.S. oil production by 3 million barrels per day by 2028. Because nothing says "fiscal responsibility" like betting the economy on petroleum.

The Great Rollback: 140+ Environmental Rules, Gone in a Year

If you're keeping score at home, the Trump administration has dismantled environmental protections at a pace that would make a demolition crew jealous. Here are the greatest hits:

1. The "Endangerment Finding" Kill Shot

In early 2025, the EPA began rescinding the 2009 Endangerment Finding—the legal basis for regulating greenhouse gases. By declaring that CO₂ and methane don't pose a "significant" threat to public health, the administration effectively neutered the government's ability to regulate emissions.

Translation: Oil companies can now pollute with impunity, and there's no legal framework to stop them.

2. Methane: The Silent Profit Booster

Methane leaks are a major byproduct of oil drilling—and a potent greenhouse gas. In March 2025, the administration used the Congressional Review Act to void Biden's "Methane Rule."

What got axed:

• The Waste Emissions Charge (companies no longer pay for methane leaks)
• Reporting requirements (pushed back to 2034—a full decade of unmonitored emissions)
• The "Super-Emitter Program" (satellite monitoring suspended, giving companies control over their own data)

The benefit to billionaires: Harold Hamm's Continental Resources alone saves hundreds of millions annually in compliance fees.

3. NEPA on Steroids: Pay-to-Play Permitting

The "One Big Beautiful Bill Act" (OBBBA) gutted the National Environmental Policy Act (NEPA), which required environmental reviews for new projects.

The new rules:

• Companies can pay a 125% fee to force expedited reviews
• Environmental Assessments must be completed in 180 days (instead of years)
• Agencies can no longer consider "cumulative effects" or "indirect impacts" (like, you know, climate change)

Translation: If you've got the cash, you can fast-track your pipeline, drilling rig, or refinery—environmental consequences be damned.

4. Federal Lands: Open for Business

Interior Secretary Doug Burgum replaced the Obama-era leasing program with what can only be described as a fossil fuel free-for-all.

The 11th National Program:

• Opened 1.27 billion acres for offshore lease sales
• Slashed royalty rates to 12.5% (the lowest since the early 2000s)
• Expanded drilling into previously protected areas in Alaska and the Atlantic

The winner: Jeff Hildebrand's Hilcorp, which is now expanding into Alaskan federal lands at fire-sale prices.

5. Suing the States: "Protecting" Energy from "Overreach"

In April 2025, Trump issued an executive order directing the Attorney General to sue states like California, New York, and Vermont for imposing their own environmental regulations.

The goal: Prevent states from taxing or regulating oil companies that operate across state lines. Because why should California get to protect its own coastline?

The Resistance: Lawsuits, Lawsuits Everywhere

Of course, gutting decades of environmental law doesn't come without a fight. As of March 2026, a "tsunami of litigation" has hit federal courts, with environmental groups, labor unions, and blue states leading the charge.

The Big Three Legal Battles:

1. The Endangerment Finding Mega-Suit
Plaintiffs: Earthjustice, Sierra Club, SEIU, American Lung Association
The Argument: Rescinding the Endangerment Finding ignores 15 years of climate science and violates the Supreme Court's precedent in Massachusetts v. EPA.
Status: Headed for a Supreme Court showdown later this year.

2. The Methane Wars
Plaintiffs: Environmental Defense Fund, Food & Water Watch
The Argument: The EPA bypassed mandatory public comment periods, making the methane rule delay "arbitrary and capricious."
Status: Active litigation in multiple circuits.

3. California vs. Sable Offshore: The Defense Production Act Showdown
Plaintiffs: State of California, Center for Biological Diversity
The Issue: The administration is using the Defense Production Act (DPA)—a national security law—to override California's safety regulations and restart offshore drilling.
Recent Development: On March 12, 2026, a federal judge ordered the Interior Department to release all internal communications with Sable Offshore, following allegations of political meddling by billionaire donors.

The Youth Appeal: Lighthiser v. Trump

Perhaps the most compelling case comes from 18 young petitioners arguing that the 2025 executive orders violate their constitutional right to life and liberty by knowingly accelerating climate disasters.

Hearing date: April 13, 2026, Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals.

The Geopolitical Twist: Venezuela, Iran, and the New Oil Map

But wait—there's more! The oil wars aren't just happening in courtrooms and boardrooms. In 2026, they're also playing out on the global stage.

Venezuela: The Comeback Kid

Following political changes and eased U.S. sanctions, Chevron has become the primary U.S. player in Venezuela, expanding production in joint ventures like Petropiar. The goal? Provide a "heavy crude" alternative to Middle Eastern supply, which has been severely disrupted.

Fun fact: Jeff Hildebrand has pledged (at Trump's request) to help "rebuild" Venezuela's oil infrastructure. Because nothing says "America First" like investing in South American oil fields.

Iran: The Strait of Hormuz Crisis

As of March 2026, the U.S. and Israel are engaged in a kinetic conflict with Iran, leading to the "de facto" closure of the Strait of Hormuz—through which 20% of the world's oil typically flows.

The result: Oil prices are spiking, and U.S. companies are scrambling to secure alternative supply routes.

The Middle East Hub: Where the Oil-Garchs Play

Despite the conflict, major U.S. companies maintain deep interests in "stable" partner nations:

Chevron: Natural gas production in Israel (Leviathan & Tamar fields), Egypt, Kuwait, Saudi Arabia
ExxonMobil: LNG projects in Qatar (North Field), UAE (Abu Dhabi, Dubai)
ConocoPhillips: Massive LNG expansion in Qatar, Libya (Waha Concession)
Occidental: Enhanced oil recovery in Oman, UAE, Qatar

Risk note: Many companies have evacuated non-essential staff due to Iranian drone strikes and the ongoing naval blockade.

The Bottom Line: A Billion-Dollar Bet That Paid Off

Let's do the math. The oil industry didn't hand over a single $1billioncheckatthatMar-a-Lagodinner\mathrm{.}Butbyearly2025,the{y}^{\mathrm{\prime }}dfunneledover$200 million into the campaign and associated Super PACs.

The return on investment?

According to 2026 financial tracking, the net worth of the top 15 "Oil-Garch" billionaires has surged by over $$40 billion since April 2024—largely due to deregulation and "Drill, Baby, Drill" policies.

That's a 20,000% return. Not bad for a dinner party.

Meanwhile, the administration has fulfilled nearly every promise made at that table:

• LNG export freeze: Ended
• Gulf of Mexico and Alaskan drilling: Expanded
• EV transition rules: Rescinded
• Methane regulations: Gutted
• Federal land leases: Skyrocketing

The Verdict: Corruption or "Energy Dominance"?

Critics call it "open corruption." The administration calls it "restoring American energy dominance."

House and Senate Democrats have launched investigations into whether the administration is essentially "selling" federal policy. Environmental groups are filing lawsuits faster than the EPA can issue permits. And young activists are arguing in court that their constitutional rights are being violated.

But for now, the Oil-Garchy is winning. The wells are drilling, the pipelines are flowing, and the billionaires are getting richer.

As for the rest of us? Well, well, well—we'll just have to wait and see how this all plays out in court.

And maybe invest in some waterfront property. You know, before it's underwater.

For more information on the legal challenges to oil industry rollbacks, visit Earthjustice.org or the Center for Biological Diversity's litigation tracker.

The No Kings Coalition's next major mobilization is March 28, 2026. Find events near you and learn how to safely participate at nokings.org. Remember: nonviolent action, de-escalation, and constitutional rights are our principles and our power.

 #NoKingsProtest #NoKingsMar28 #NoKingsInAmerica #NoKings 

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