A MODEST PROPOSAL FOR A TRIGGER-HAPPY NATION
In the land of the free and the home of the brave, where the Second Amendment is tattooed on the national psyche and "thoughts and prayers" are as common as apple pie, another tragedy unfolded today in Minneapolis. A Catholic school, once a sanctuary of crayons and catechism, became the latest stage for America’s ongoing performance of carnage: two children and a suspect dead, 17 others injured, mostly kids. The script is familiar—heartbreak, headlines, and hashtags. By noon, the usual chorus of "thoughts and prayers" flooded social media, as predictable as rain in Seattle. But solutions? Those remain as elusive as a unicorn in a gun shop.
The K-12 School Shooting Database, that grim ledger of American exceptionalism, tells us this is just one of 44 school shootings in 2025 alone, with 18 deaths and 74 injuries racked up like points in a dystopian video game. Southern states lead the scoreboard, with Texas as the all-star and Washington, DC, the per-capita MVP. Since 1966, the database has cataloged every bullet fired on school grounds, from gang squabbles to accidental discharges, painting a picture of a nation that loves its guns more than its geometry lessons. CNN’s fast facts confirm the trend: shootings dipped during the pandemic but have since roared back, with 2022’s Uvalde massacre—21 dead—as the deadliest encore since 2008.
Yet, amidst the candlelight vigils and teddy bear memorials, the United States remains stubbornly allergic to change. Politicians clutch their pearls and their NRA donations, while the Supreme Court guards the Second Amendment like it’s the last slice of pizza at a frat party. But fear not, dear reader, for I have a solution—a bold, capitalist cure for our bullet-ridden blues. Let’s treat guns like the consumer products they are, with all the taxes, liabilities, and red tape we gleefully heap on cars, cigarettes, and avocado toast. Behold, a modest proposal to tame the Wild West of American gun culture.
The Great American Gun Tax
Picture this: a world where owning a gun isn’t just a right but a responsibility, like paying for Netflix or tipping your barista. We start by taxing every firearm in private hands—over 500 million, by conservative estimates, or roughly 1.5 guns for every man, woman, and child. That’s more firepower than a Michael Bay movie, and it’s time to make it pay.
- Handguns: A modest $10 annual tax for revolvers that reload after six shots, the cowboy classic. Got a semi-automatic that spits 12 rounds before a reload? That’s $25, because extra bullets mean extra bureaucracy. And for those high-capacity handguns firing over 12 rounds without pause—think Glock 17 or Beretta 92FS—pay up $200 a year. If you’re packing that much heat, you can afford it.
- Long Guns: Hunting rifles that reload after six shots get a $25 tax, but hunters can waive it with a hunting tag—because nothing says “sportsman” like paperwork. For long guns that fire more than six rounds, like the AR-15s so beloved by enthusiasts, it’s $500 annually. Call it the “tactical tax” for those who need to cosplay as Rambo.
- Ammunition: Standard ammo gets a 10-cent-per-round tax, because every bullet should cost a little conscience. High-power or specialized rounds—hollow points, armor-piercing, the stuff that makes action movies jealous—cost $1 each. Reloading your own shells? That’s $50 for gunpowder, because DIY shouldn’t mean dodging taxes.
- Insurance: Every gun owner must carry insurance for theft or accidental discharge, just like car owners. Lose your pistol to a thief or shoot your neighbor’s prize-winning begonias? Your policy covers it. No insurance? That’s a year of community service or jail, plus a fine of 10 times the unpaid taxes for each year you dodged.
- Crime Penalties: Use a gun in any crime? Five years in prison and a $25,000 fine—non-negotiable. Injure someone? That’s 25 years and $50,000, because actions have consequences, even in a country that loves its outlaws.
And here’s the kicker: every time a mass shooting dominates the news, anyone tweeting “thoughts and prayers” instead of demanding action gets slapped with a $100 fine. Call it the Hypocrisy Tax. We’ll fund school counselors and bulletproof backpacks with the proceeds.
The Capitalist Cure
Now, let’s talk money. With 500 million guns in private hands, the revenue potential is juicier than a Wall Street bonus. Suppose half are handguns and half are long guns, with a conservative mix of types:
- 100 million six-shot handguns at $10: $1 billion.
- 100 million 12-shot handguns at $25: $2.5 billion.
- 50 million high-capacity handguns at $200: $10 billion.
- 200 million hunting rifles at $25 (assuming half get hunting waivers): $2.5 billion.
- 50 million high-capacity long guns at $500: $25 billion.
That’s $41 billion annually, and we haven’t even touched ammo taxes. Americans buy about 20 billion rounds a year. At 10 cents for standard and $1 for specialty (say, 10% specialty), that’s another $3 billion. Gunpowder taxes could add a few hundred million more. Suddenly, we’ve got a budget to fund mental health programs, school security, and maybe a few pothole repairs.
But the real genius is holding gun manufacturers liable for deaths and damages caused by their products. If Toyota can be sued for faulty brakes, why not Smith & Wesson for a semi-automatic that ends up in a school shooter’s hands? Let the market sort it out—watch how fast gunmakers innovate safer designs or lobby for stricter background checks when their bottom line’s at stake. Capitalism thrives on accountability, and it’s time the gun industry felt the sting.
The Supreme Court Conundrum
Of course, the Supreme Court, those robed arbiters of constitutional purity, might clutch their gavels and cry “Second Amendment!” But if they strike down the gun tax, let them explain why it’s different from taxes on cars, alcohol, or income. Last I checked, the Constitution doesn’t mention tax exemptions for AR-15s. Make them articulate why a right to bear arms means a right to dodge fiscal responsibility. And if they can’t, well, maybe they’ll have to pay the $100 Thoughts and Prayers Tax for dodging the issue.
A Day in the Life of the Gun-Taxed American
Imagine Joe, a proud gun owner with a modest arsenal: a six-shot revolver, a 15-round Glock, and a hunting rifle. Under the new system, Joe pays $10 for the revolver, $200 for the Glock, and nothing for the rifle (thanks to his hunting tag). He buys 1,000 rounds of standard ammo ($100) and 100 high-power rounds ($100). His gun insurance runs $200 a year. Total cost: $610 annually, less than his cable bill. Joe grumbles but complies, knowing his taxes fund school safety and his insurance covers his kid’s accidental discharge into the neighbor’s shed. Meanwhile, the local gun shop starts selling “smart” guns that lock without a fingerprint, because manufacturers don’t want to be sued into oblivion.
Across town, Karen, who once tweeted “thoughts and prayers” after every shooting, now thinks twice. Her last tweet cost her $100, and she’s not keen on funding the ATF’s coffee budget. Instead, she joins a rally for better mental health screening—her first step toward actual change.
The Satirical Silver Lining
This proposal isn’t about disarming America; it’s about making gun ownership a choice with consequences, like eating too many donuts or voting for a reality TV star. The K-12 School Shooting Database reminds us that 44 shootings this year alone have shattered lives, and CNN’s stats show the problem’s only growing. Thoughts and prayers won’t stop bullets, but a few capitalist incentives might. Tax the guns, insure the risks, punish the crimes, and make manufacturers sweat. If we’re going to live in a country with more guns than people, let’s at least make it a profitable tragedy.
And if the Supreme Court balks, let’s tax their robes. After all, in America, there’s nothing more patriotic than a good old-fashioned invoice.
Disclaimer: This is a satirical take, meant to provoke thought with a side of humor. The proposed taxes and penalties are fictional and not endorsed by any real policy. For actual data, check the K-12 School Shooting Database (Riedman, 2025) and CNN’s school shooting reports. If you’re curious about raw data or real solutions, start there—not with thoughts and prayers.
K-12 School Shooting Database - online https://k12ssdb.org/all-shootings
School shootings in the US: Fast facts | CNN https://www.cnn.com/us/school-shootings-fast-facts-dg
