TRUMP DROPS SURPRISE SINGLE
"BOMB BOMB IRAN (PEACE THROUGH WAR WILL MAKE US STRONGER)" — CRITICS CALL IT "EXPLOSIVE"
MAR-A-LAGO, FL — In what political analysts are calling "the most on-brand musical debut since Nixon's lost jazz album," former President Donald Trump has announced the release of his cover of the Republican karaoke classic "Bomb Iran," originally popularized in the 1980s as a Beach Boys parody.
The new version, titled "Bomb Bomb Iran (Peace Through War Will Make Us Stronger)," premiered at a private event where attendees reported Trump performed it twice because "the first time was so tremendous, people were crying, big strong generals were crying."
A Song Four Decades in the Making
The original tune, a satirical reworking of "Barbara Ann," has been a staple at conservative gatherings since the Iran hostage crisis. John McCain famously sang a snippet during his 2008 presidential campaign, though he later claimed it was "just a joke" — the political equivalent of "I was hacked."
Trump's version, however, takes the concept to what music critics are calling "unprecedented levels of commitment to the bit, or possibly not a bit at all, we honestly can't tell anymore."
The Trump Touch
Sources close to the production reveal that Trump insisted on several creative changes:
- Extended the song from 2 minutes to 47 minutes ("People love long songs. Look at 'American Pie.' Mine's better.")
- Added a middle section where he rates various Middle Eastern countries "on a scale of one to ten, very fairly"
- Replaced all backing vocals with recordings of himself saying "many people are saying this"
- Demanded the producer make his voice "sound younger, like maybe 39"
The subtitle, "Peace Through War Will Make Us Stronger," reportedly came to Trump "like a beautiful vision" while watching Fox News at 3 AM, which he insists is "a very normal time to be awake and thinking about foreign policy through song."
Bipartisan Confusion
The release has united Washington in bewilderment, perhaps Trump's greatest political achievement to date.
"I... what?" said Senator Lindsey Graham when asked for comment, before adding, "But it's actually very catchy. I've been humming it all day. Please help me stop."
Democratic leadership issued a statement calling the song "deeply concerning," then admitted they couldn't stop playing it at strategy meetings "ironically."
Meanwhile, the Iranian government responded with their own diss track, which Supreme Leader sources describe as "fire" and "absolutely devastating to Trump's credibility as a recording artist."
The Music Video
The accompanying video, directed by Trump himself (credit: "Donald J. Trump, the best director since Orson Welles, maybe better"), features:
- 14 minutes of Trump standing in front of various gold things
- Confusing green-screen work placing him on aircraft carriers, in fighter jets, and inexplicably at a Dairy Queen
- A cameo from Kid Rock, who appears to be as confused as viewers about why he's there
- Closing credits that list Trump's name 47 times in various capacities
Chart Performance and Critical Reception
Billboard reports the song debuted at #1 on the "Charts We Didn't Know We Needed to Exist" list. Spotify has created a new category: "Music for People Who Get Their News from Bumper Stickers."
Rolling Stone gave it half a star, noting: "We would give it zero stars, but the production quality suggests someone involved knew what a microphone was."
Trump responded to critics on Truth Social: "ROLLING STONE IS FAILING. MY SONG IS #1 IN MANY COUNTRIES. PROBABLY ALL OF THEM. IRAN CALLED AND SAID 'PLEASE STOP, THE SONG IS TOO POWERFUL.' FAKE NEWS WON'T REPORT THIS!!!"
(Rolling Stone is not failing, the song is not #1 in any countries, and Iran definitely did not call.)
What's Next?
Insiders report Trump is already working on a full album, tentatively titled "The Art of the Deal: The Musical," featuring covers of "We Didn't Start the Fire" (retitled "I Didn't Start the Fire, It Was Always Burning Since Obama's Been Turning") and an acoustic version of "YMCA."
When reached for comment, the Beach Boys' representative said simply: "Please stop."
As America processes this latest cultural moment, one thing is clear: we live in a timeline where a former president releasing a hawkish foreign policy parody song barely cracks the top ten weirdest news stories of the week.
God bless America. We're gonna need it.
Editor's Note: This article is satire. The song is real in our nightmares only.
Bomb Iran
(To the tune of "Barbara Ann")
[Chorus] Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran Bomb Iran! We’ve got to make a stand Bomb Iran! (Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran)
[Verse 1] I went to a party, a-willing to dance They didn't give me a-much of a chance I went to Iran, a-Iran so far away I went to a mosque, gonna throw some rocks Tell the Ayatollah, "Gonna put you in a box!" Bomb Iran, bomb-bomb-bomb, bomb Iran
[Chorus] Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran (We've got to make a stand!) Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran Bomb Iran! We’ve got to make a stand Bomb Iran!
[Verse 2] Our country’s got a feeling, really hit the ceiling People, you’ve been stealing, now it’s time for dealing Bomb Iran, bomb-bomb-bomb, bomb Iran Ol' Uncle Sam’s gettin' pretty hot Time to turn Iran into a parking lot Bomb Iran, bomb-bomb-bomb, bomb Iran
[Chorus] Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran Bomb Iran! We’ve got to make a stand Bomb Iran!
[Outro] Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran (Repeat and fade with "Get 'em back alive" and "Make 'em pay" ad-libs)
