GOP DECLARES JACK SMITH STAR CHAMBER A ROUSING SUCCESS
FUNDRAISING EMAILS ALREADY IN YOUR SPAM FOLDER
WASHINGTON — In what Republicans are hailing as a "historic triumph of accountability" (translation: a made-for-TV spectacle), the House Judiciary Committee's interrogation of former Special Counsel Jack Smith wrapped up Tuesday with all the subtlety of a monster truck rally and twice the noise.
Before the gavels had even cooled, GOP inquisitors were practically trampling each other in a mad dash to the Fox News green room, their one-liners polished to a high sheen and their fundraising emails already clogging inboxes across America. Subject lines ranged from "WE DESTROYED Deep State Jack!" to "I Just EXPOSED the Witch Hunt—Chip In $25?"
The Star Chamber That Wasn't
For those keeping score at home, Republicans invoked the term "star chamber" approximately 47 times during the hearing—a delicious irony, considering the original Star Chamber was an English court notorious for secretive, arbitrary, and oppressive proceedings that operated without juries and trampled due process. You know, kind of like a congressional hearing where members ask questions, answer them themselves, and then storm out before the witness can respond.
The historical Star Chamber, abolished in 1641 for its abuses, would have been proud. Or possibly confused. Probably both.
The GOP's Greatest Hits (Themselves)
In typical committee hearing fashion, Republican members deployed their signature move: the rhetorical question that's actually just a speech with a question mark stapled to the end.
"Mr. Smith, isn't it TRUE that you're a partisan hack who hates America and probably kicks puppies?" (Not an actual quote, but you get the drift.)
Before Smith could even open his mouth, they'd pivot to their next talking point, eyes already glazing over with visions of campaign ad footage and donor dollars dancing in their heads. Each performance was carefully calibrated for maximum sound-bite potential—short, punchy, and utterly divorced from any interest in actual answers.
One particularly ambitious congressman managed to work in references to Hunter Biden, George Soros, AND Hillary's emails in a single 90-second rant. Efficiency!
Meanwhile, Jack Smith Brought Receipts
While Republicans were auditioning for their own prime-time shows, Jack Smith sat there like a man waiting for a bus that's running late—patient, unruffled, and mildly bemused by the chaos swirling around him.
Cool, calm, and collected (adjectives rarely associated with congressional hearings), Smith listened attentively to each theatrical performance. When actually permitted to speak, he methodically corrected lies, dismantled conspiracy theories, and responded to self-serving BS with the kind of prosecutorial precision that made him, well, a prosecutor.
"No, Congressman, that's not accurate," became his polite refrain, followed by citations of actual evidence, legal precedent, and—revolutionary concept—facts.
Those who know Smith weren't surprised. The man who spent years investigating war crimes and public corruption wasn't about to be rattled by performative outrage from people whose biggest legal challenge is usually reading their own legislation.
Democrats: Actually Asking Questions
On the other side of the aisle, most Democrats took a radically different approach: they asked questions based on the public record of Smith's investigations into January 6 and Trump's handling of classified documents. Wild, right?
Smith answered each inquiry with the same professional demeanor, walking through evidence, explaining legal reasoning, and generally behaving like someone testifying before Congress rather than auditioning for reality TV.
Democrats also formally requested to continue questioning after Judge Aileen "Donald's Girl" Cannon lifts her gag order on certain matters related to the Florida classified documents case. (Cannon, you may recall, has distinguished herself with rulings so favorable to Trump that even some conservative legal scholars have done spit-takes.)
The Public Got a Look
Perhaps most significantly, the American public finally got to see Jack Smith in action—not filtered through Trump's characterizations of him as a "deranged lunatic" or a "thug," but as an actual human being capable of forming complete sentences and citing legal precedent.
The contrast was, to put it mildly, shocking.
Trump's hyperbolic descriptions of Smith as some kind of crazed Deep State demon didn't quite square with the composed, methodical attorney calmly explaining prosecutorial decisions to a room full of people screaming at him.
It turns out that when you spend months calling someone a monster, and then the public sees them behaving like a normal professional, the disconnect is... noticeable.
The Aftermath: Mission Accomplished?
As the hearing concluded, Republicans declared total victory. Victory over what, exactly, remained unclear—Smith wasn't arrested, no smoking guns were revealed, and the evidence he compiled didn't magically disappear—but victory nonetheless!
The fundraising emails, however, were very specific about what they'd accomplished: "We just GRILLED the Deep State! Now we need YOUR help to finish the job! Donate NOW!"
The job, presumably, being the continued funding of their campaigns.
Meanwhile, Jack Smith left the hearing the same way he entered: professionally, quietly, and with significantly more dignity than the proceedings deserved.
The Star Chamber, it seems, was indeed a success—just not in the way Republicans intended. Instead of exposing a corrupt prosecutor, they inadvertently revealed the difference between theatrical performance and actual legal work.
But hey, at least the Fox News interviews went well.
Editor's Note: No historical Star Chambers were harmed in the making of this hearing, though the term's reputation took yet another beating.
