BREAKING NEWS: THE PEACOCK GETS PLUCKED
AN AUTOPSY OF CABLE NEWS LATEST IDENTITY CRISIS
DATELINE: NOVEMBER 2025 — In what can only be described as a corporate panic attack dressed up as a "strategic pivot," MSNBC has announced it will henceforth be known as "MS NOW" (My Source for News, Opinion, and the World), because apparently, five-letter acronyms are the height of branding genius in 2025. The network that brought you Rachel Maddow's deep dives and Morning Joe's caffeinated rants has decided that what it really needs is a name that sounds like a rejected Microsoft product from 1998.
But let's address the elephant—or should I say, the orange orangutan—in the room: Is this rebrand really about "establishing independence," or is it about running faster than a roadrunner from Wile E. Coyote, except in this case, the coyote is an incoming Trump FCC, potential billionaire buyers, and the general stench of irrelevance?
The Great Peacock Massacre: Who Really Killed the Bird?
For decades, the NBC peacock has been synonymous with broadcast prestige, its colorful plumage representing the rainbow of programming options available to the American couch potato. But now, MSNBC is unceremoniously ditching the bird like it's a Thanksgiving turkey past its expiration date.
Who killed the peacock? Was it:
A) Comcast executives who looked at their cable portfolio and decided that spinning off networks into a company called "Versant" (which sounds like a pharmaceutical that treats vertigo) was the height of business acumen?
B) The ghost of Roger Ailes, haunting the halls of 30 Rock, whispering "ratings... ratings..." while cackling maniacally?
C) The collective American viewing public, who decided that getting their news from TikTok influencers and podcasters named Chad was somehow more reliable?
D) All of the above, plus the inevitable march of technological progress that makes cable news as relevant as a fax machine at a Gen-Z startup?
The answer, dear readers, is probably
"E) Corporate cowardice meets market forces meets existential dread."
The Versant Venture: Meet Your New Corporate Overlords (Same as the Old Corporate Overlords)
Let's talk about Versant, shall we? This shiny new company—formed from Comcast's decision to yeet its cable networks into the corporate equivalent of a life raft—will now own MS NOW, along with CNBC, USA Network, Oxygen, E!, SYFY, and the Golf Channel. Yes, nothing says "synergy" quite like combining left-leaning political commentary with reruns of "Law & Order: SVU" and competitive putting.
Versant is being led by Mark Lazarus, previously the chairman of NBCUniversal Media Group, which means the "independence" MSNBC is crowing about is roughly equivalent to a teenager moving into their parents' basement and calling it "living on my own."
But here's where it gets juicy: The rebrand conveniently positions MS NOW as a separate entity just as rumors swirl about potential buyers. Enter stage right: **Larry Ellison**, the Oracle billionaire and noted Trump supporter who's been making googly eyes at media properties like a kid in a candy store.
Is MS NOW running scared from Trump's FCC? Almost certainly. Is the rebrand designed to make a potential Ellison buyout more palatable? Probably. Will every billionaire eventually own their own propaganda outlet? We're well on our way. Will there be a reckoning for fake news and partisan hackery? Don't hold your breath.
The peacock is dead. Long live the... whatever MS NOW's mascot is supposed to be. A cow? A generic bird? A slowly deflating balloon shaped like journalistic integrity?
As we watch this trainwreck in slow motion, we can only ask: How now, MS NOW? How will you maintain credibility while running from political pressure? How will you compete with free content online? How will you convince viewers that this isn't just a desperate attempt to stay relevant in an increasingly fragmented media landscape?
The answer, dear readers, is blowing in the wind—or perhaps it's just hot air from another cable news segment where pundits argue about nothing while the world burns.
MS NOW launches November 15, 2025. Set your calendars, update your bookmarks, and prepare for a brave new world of journalism that's exactly the same as the old world, just with a worse name and a sportier logo.
How now, orange orangutan? Indeed.
*Disclaimer: This satirical article is protected by the First Amendment... for now. Check back after the next billionaire buyout to see if that's still the case.*
