Big Education Ape: ELON MUSK, DOGE, AND THE GREAT PRIVATIZATION CIRCUS

Friday, March 28, 2025

ELON MUSK, DOGE, AND THE GREAT PRIVATIZATION CIRCUS

A TRAGICOMEDY IN FOUR ACTS

Grover Norquist, who founded Americans for Tax Reform in 1985 declared in 2001: “I don’t want to abolish government. I simply want to reduce it to the size where I can drag it into the bathroom and drown it in the bathtub.”

Ah, Elon Musk. The man, the myth, the meme. The guy who can launch a car into space but somehow can't launch a coherent sentence on Twitter (or X, or whatever he's calling it this week). And now, as if his résumé of techno-feudalism wasn’t dazzling enough, Musk has decided to take on the federal government with his Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE). Yes, DOGE. Because nothing screams "serious reform" like naming your initiative after a cryptocurrency meme featuring a Shiba Inu. Much wow. Very governance.

But before we dive into this Silicon Valley fever dream of an "Apple Store Government," let’s address the elephant—or should I say, the billionaire oligarch—in the room. Musk and his merry band of tech bros didn’t invent the idea of "fixing" government inefficiency. No, no, this playbook has been around for decades, meticulously crafted by the same people who brought you yacht tax loopholes and the phrase "trickle-down economics." Spoiler alert: the only thing that ever trickled down was a sense of existential dread.

Act I: Defund – Starve the Beast

Step one in the Billionaire’s Guide to World Domination™ is simple: starve the government of resources until it’s about as effective as a wet paper towel in a hurricane. This is where Grover Norquist enters stage left, twirling his metaphorical mustache and declaring his desire to shrink government to the size of a bathtub toy. And oh, how the oligarchs have delivered! Public schools? Underfunded. Infrastructure? Crumbling. Healthcare? A Kafkaesque nightmare of paperwork and despair.

And now Musk wants to "streamline" this already skeletal government? That’s like taking a starving man and putting him on a juice cleanse. But don’t worry—DOGE isn’t here to abolish government services. No, they just want to "modernize" them. And by modernize, they mean privatize. Because nothing says efficiency like turning Social Security into a subscription-based service where you have to pay extra for ad-free retirement benefits.

Act II: Degrade – Failure by Design

Once you’ve defunded public institutions into oblivion, the next step is to point at their inevitable failures and yell, "See? Told you so!" It’s like slashing someone’s tires and then blaming them for being late to work. Public schools are overcrowded? Must be those lazy teachers and their pesky unions! Roads full of potholes? Clearly, we need a private highway company that charges $12 every time you merge lanes.

Musk and his DOGE cronies are playing this game to perfection. They’ve already dismantled agencies like USAID under the guise of "efficiency." Because who needs international aid when you can just send thoughts and prayers via Starlink? And when these cuts lead to chaos—as they inevitably will—Musk will simply shrug and say, "Well, what did you expect from a government that wasn’t run by Tesla engineers?"

Act III: Demonize – Blame Anyone but the Billionaires

Ah, the scapegoating phase. This one’s a classic. When public systems falter under the weight of deliberate sabotage, you need someone to blame. Teachers? Lazy. Government workers? Overpaid bureaucrats. Protesters? Entitled snowflakes who don’t understand how hard it is to be a billionaire with three ex-wives and a failing social media platform.

And let’s not forget the pièce de résistance: blaming the very people who rely on these services. Can’t afford healthcare? Should’ve worked harder. Public school not meeting your needs? Should’ve been born into a family that could afford private tutors and organic kale smoothies. Musk and his DOGE disciples are masters of this tactic, painting themselves as benevolent disruptors while throwing everyone else under the electric bus.

Act IV: Dismantle – Privatization Nation

Finally, we arrive at the grand finale: privatization. This is where the oligarchs really shine, swooping in with their "solutions" like vultures descending on a carcass. Charter schools! AI-driven learning platforms! Blockchain-based voting systems that definitely won’t be hacked by a 12-year-old with an iPad!

DOGE’s vision of an "Apple Store Government" fits perfectly into this narrative. Imagine walking into a sleek, minimalist Social Security office where employees in black turtlenecks upsell you on premium retirement packages. Need to renew your passport? There’s an app for that—just make sure to watch a 30-second ad for SpaceX before proceeding. And if your benefits are delayed due to website crashes? Well, that’s just the price of innovation, baby!

But let’s not kid ourselves: this isn’t about making government more efficient or user-friendly. It’s about turning public goods into private commodities that can be bought, sold, and monetized by the same people who brought you $8 Twitter verification badges. And while Musk might claim that DOGE is eliminating fraud and waste, the real fraud is pretending that billionaires have anyone’s interests at heart but their own.

The Curtain Call: Don’t Fall for It

So here we are, watching this tragicomedy unfold in real time. Elon Musk and his DOGE brigade want us to believe they’re revolutionizing government when in reality, they’re just rebranding an old grift with some Silicon Valley buzzwords and a Shiba Inu mascot. It’s not about efficiency; it’s about control. It’s not about modernization; it’s about monetization.

We don’t need an "Apple Store Government." We need a government that works for everyone—not just for billionaires who think they’re Tony Stark but act more like Lex Luthor with Wi-Fi access. So let’s keep our eyes open, our sarcasm sharp, and our public institutions intact. Because if we let these oligarchs have their way, the only thing left public will be our outrage—and even that might come with a monthly subscription fee.

Much wow indeed.