TRUMP 2.0
EXECUTIVE ORDERS THAT SING, DANCE, STIR THE CULTURE WAR POT, AND SHAKESPEARE
Ladies and gentlemen, hold on to your MAGA hats and prepare for a whirlwind tour of Trump 2.0. The executive orders are back, and this time, they’re bigger, bolder, and more controversial than ever. If you thought the first term was a reality TV show, buckle up—this sequel is a mashup of *The Apprentice*, *Survivor*, and *Game of Thrones*, with a sprinkle of *Shark Tank* just for fun. Let’s dive into the greatest hits of Trump’s latest executive order playlist, where culture wars meet policy chaos, and the Constitution gets a serious workout.
Birthright Citizenship: The Constitution vs. The Apprentice
In a move so bold it could’ve been a season finale twist on *The Apprentice*, Trump has decided to tackle birthright citizenship. His executive order declares that babies born to undocumented immigrants (or certain temporary residents) on U.S. soil are no longer citizens. Yes, you read that right—he’s taking on the 14th Amendment like it’s a poorly negotiated trade deal.
Legal scholars are already sharpening their pencils (and their wit), pointing out that this little thing called the Constitution might have something to say about it. But Trump seems undeterred. His message? “You’re born here? Big deal. Not a citizen. Next!”
Energy Emergency: Drill, Baby, Drill (and Cancel Those Windmills)
If there’s one thing Trump loves more than a golden escalator, it’s oil. Declaring a “national energy emergency,” he’s ordered expedited drilling in Alaska and beyond. Forget Biden’s coastal protections—Trump’s executive order rescinds them faster than you can say “polar bear habitat.”
And those offshore wind turbines? Trump paused leasing federal waters for wind projects, citing his long-standing feud with the spinning giants. “They’re ugly, they kill birds, and they make me seasick,” he probably didn’t say but definitely thought.
Oh, and the Paris Climate Agreement? Once again, Trump has ghosted it like a bad Tinder date. “We’re out,” he declared, proving that when it comes to climate commitments, he’s the Houdini of global diplomacy.
DEI: Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion? Not on My Watch!
In his crusade against “woke” culture, Trump has set his sights on diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) initiatives. His executive order eliminates policies that promote these values across federal agencies. He even went so far as to revoke Lyndon B. Johnson’s Equal Employment Opportunity order from 1965—because apparently, 58 years of progress was just too much.
Trump also directed the FAA to ditch DEI hiring practices in favor of good old-fashioned “merit-based hiring.” Translation: “If you’re woke, you’re broke.”
And just in case that wasn’t enough, he ordered agencies to investigate large corporations and universities with hefty endowments. Nothing says “small government” like micromanaging billion-dollar institutions from the Oval Office.
Transgender Policies: Back to Binary Basics
Trump’s executive orders have also taken aim at transgender Americans. He declared that official documents must recognize only two sexes—male and female—because apparently, biology is now a matter of presidential decree.
He also rescinded Biden-era provisions that allowed transgender individuals to serve in the military. While he didn’t immediately reinstate his first-term ban, he left the door wide open for a sequel. It’s like he’s teasing us with a cliffhanger: “Will he or won’t he? Tune in next season!”
Jan. 6 Pardons: Forgive and Forget?
In one of his most eyebrow-raising moves yet, Trump pardoned the majority of Jan. 6 defendants and commuted the sentences of 14 others. Among the lucky recipients were leaders of the Proud Boys and Oath Keepers, proving once again that loyalty pays—especially if it involves storming the Capitol.
Trump referred to these individuals as “hostages” in need of rescue, which is certainly one way to describe people convicted of crimes against democracy. He even pardoned Ross Ulbricht, creator of the infamous Silk Road marketplace, because why not throw in a wildcard?
Health Orders: WHO’s Out and Big Pharma Wins
Remember when Trump pulled the U.S. out of the World Health Organization (WHO) during his first term? Well, he’s doing it again—for good measure. Citing the WHO’s “mishandling” of the COVID-19 pandemic and its alleged political biases, Trump’s executive order makes it clear: America is breaking up with global health diplomacy.
As for prescription drug costs? Biden’s 2022 order to lower them has been tossed out like last season’s fashion trends. Big Pharma is back in business, baby!
TikTok Ban: Suspended but Not Forgotten
In a surprising twist, Trump has suspended his beloved TikTok ban—for 75 days. Why 75 days? No one knows. Maybe it’s a grace period for him to perfect his renegade dance moves or launch his own TikTok rival app called *TrumpTok*. Whatever the reason, Gen Z can breathe easy… for now.
The Name Game: Denali Becomes Mount McKinley Again
If renaming mountains were an Olympic sport, Trump would take gold. In an executive order that feels oddly personal, he renamed Denali back to Mount McKinley and rechristened the Gulf of Mexico as the Gulf of America. Because nothing says “Make America Great Again” like slapping new labels on old landmarks.
Federal Workers: Back to the Office or Bust
Federal employees hoping for continued remote work privileges are in for a rude awakening. Trump has ordered all government workers back to their cubicles full-time and implemented a hiring freeze across federal agencies (except for the military and immigration enforcement).
But wait—there’s more! He also reinstated his infamous Schedule F executive order, making it easier to fire civil servants deemed disloyal to his administration. It’s like *The Apprentice*, but with less drama and more bureaucracy.
A Department for Efficiency (and Irony)
In perhaps the most ironic move of all, Trump established the Department of Government Efficiency via executive order. Because nothing screams “efficient” like creating an entirely new department to oversee efficiency. It’s like hiring a personal trainer who spends all their time eating donuts instead of lifting weights.
Final Thoughts: A Symphony of Chaos
Trump 2.0’s executive orders are many things—bold, divisive, legally questionable—but above all, they’re entertaining in a way only Trump can deliver. Whether you agree with his policies or not, you have to admit: The man knows how to keep us talking.
So grab your popcorn and settle in for what promises to be a wild ride through the next four years of executive orders, culture wars, and bureaucratic mayhem. Love him or hate him, Trump is back—and he’s singing to his choir louder than ever before.
If William Shakespeare had attended the Trump Inauguration he might have said:
Now is the winter of our discontent,
Made glorious summer by this son of Queens;
And all the clouds that lour’d upon our house
In the deep bosom of executive orders buried.**
Now are our brows bound with MAGA hats;
Our bruised arms hung up for monuments of walls;
Our stern alarums changed to Twitter storms,
Our dreadful marches to rallies and chants.
Grim-visaged truth hath smooth’d her wrinkled front;
And now, instead of mounting facts and reason
To fright the souls of fearful adversaries,
He capers nimbly in a golden tower
To the lascivious pleasing of a base.
But I, who am not shaped for woke agendas,
Nor made to court an amorous progressive press;
I, who am rudely stamped, and want the virtue
To strut before a liberal ambling crowd;
I, who am curtail’d of this fair proportion,
Cheated of decorum by dissembling polls,
Deformed, unfinish’d, sent before my time
Into this breathing world, scarce half made up,
And that so lamely and unfashionable
That fact-checkers bark at me as I tweet by them;
Why, I, in this weak piping time of peace,
Have no delight to pass away the time,
Unless to sign my shadow in the press
And descant on mine own executive orders:
And therefore, since I cannot prove a uniter,
To entertain these fair well-spoken days,
I am determined to prove a disruptor
And hate the idle pleasures of these elites.
Orders have I laid, proclamations dangerous,
By drunken prophecies of fake news and fraud,
To set my predecessor and the woke
In deadly hate the one against the other:
And if the courts be as true and just
As I am subtle, false and treacherous,
This day should birthright citizenship be mew’d up,
About a clause, which says that ‘soil’
Of America’s heirs the citizen shall be.
Dive, thoughts, down to my soul: here
Alaska drills.
Now is the age of culture wars declared,
With genders fixed and DEI dismantled;
Where monuments rise to classical columns,
And windmills pause at the stroke of a pen.
Pardons flow like wine at a feast,
And the hostages of January 6th walk free.
The Paris Climate burns in the flames of my ire,
While gas and coal rise from the ashes of treaties.
TikTok dances on a temporary stay,
And the WHO withdraws to the sound of my scorn.
But I, who am unfit for compromise,
Will stride this stage with a villain’s glee.
For I am the winter of their discontent,
And glorious summer shall never return.
