WHY JOE BIDEN SHOULD ISSUE A BLANKET PARDON FOR HIS ADMINISTRATION
A CASE FOR PREVENTIVE DEFENSE AND POLITICAL COMEDY GOLD
Ladies and gentlemen, gather 'round, for today we embark on a journey into the wild world of political strategy, legal gymnastics, and the ever-entertaining circus that is American politics. Our topic? Why President Joe Biden should issue a blanket pardon for anyone and everyone who worked in his administration. Yes, that’s right—a sweeping “get-out-of-jail-free” card for the whole gang. Before you roll your eyes or clutch your pearls, hear me out. This isn’t just about legal pragmatism—it’s about playing three-dimensional chess in the most delightfully absurd way possible.
Reason #1: Save the DOJ from Drowning in Legal Drama
Let’s face it: the Department of Justice (DOJ) already has its hands full. Between investigating January 6th insurrectionists, chasing down classified documents that somehow end up in Mar-a-Lago storage closets, and keeping tabs on Rudy Giuliani’s latest antics, they’re stretched thinner than a gas station receipt. Do we really want to burden them further by forcing them to sift through every decision made during the Biden administration?
Imagine the sheer volume of paperwork. Subpoenas flying left and right, lawyers arguing over whether a memo about infrastructure funding constitutes a “high crime or misdemeanor.” It would be like trying to prosecute someone for jaywalking in a city without crosswalks—technically possible, but utterly pointless.
By issuing a blanket pardon, Biden could save the DOJ from years of costly litigation that would ultimately lead to...nothing. Because let’s be honest: most of these cases would end up as political theater with no real convictions. Instead of wasting taxpayer dollars on endless investigations, the DOJ could focus on more pressing matters—like protecting democracy from actual threats or figuring out how to stop hackers from stealing everyone’s Netflix passwords.
Reason #2: Beat Trump at His Own Game
Ah, Donald Trump. The man who brought us phrases like “witch hunt” and “perfect phone call.” Love him or hate him (and let’s be real, there’s not much middle ground), you have to admit he’s a master of bending the rules to his advantage. So why not take a page from his playbook?
Trump famously dangled pardons like candy at a parade during his presidency. His allies? Pardoned. His cronies? Pardoned. Heck, he probably considered pardoning his favorite golf clubs just in case they got subpoenaed. By issuing a blanket pardon for his administration, Biden would be flipping the script—playing the game by Trump’s rules, but with a twist.
Picture this: MAGA Nation wakes up one morning to find out that Biden has pardoned his entire administration preemptively. The outrage! The memes! The Fox News segments with headlines like “Biden’s Banana Republic: Blanket Pardons Gone Wild.” It would be political chaos—and, let’s be honest, absolutely hilarious.
And here’s the kicker: Trump supporters wouldn’t know how to react. On one hand, they’d want to scream about corruption and abuse of power. On the other hand, they’d have to admit that their guy did basically the same thing (except with more gold-plated flair). Watching them try to reconcile those two conflicting emotions would be worth the price of admission.
Reason #3: Energize the Deep State Conspiracy Crowd
You know what really gets MAGA Nation fired up? Conspiracies. Whether it’s secret pizza parlor cabals or microchips in vaccines, they love a good tale of shadowy forces pulling the strings behind the scenes. A blanket pardon would pour gasoline on that fire in the most entertaining way imaginable.
Think about it: issuing a blanket pardon would immediately be spun as proof that Biden is covering up some grand, nefarious scheme. “What are they hiding?” Tucker Carlson would demand, his eyebrows furrowed like a man trying to solve a Sudoku puzzle with hieroglyphics. Social media would explode with theories about Hunter Biden’s laptop, Hillary Clinton’s emails, and probably aliens for good measure.
The beauty of this strategy is that it doesn’t actually require any wrongdoing. The mere act of issuing a pardon would be enough to send conspiracy theorists into overdrive. And while they’re busy chasing imaginary scandals, the rest of us can sit back with a bowl of popcorn and enjoy the show.
Reason #4: Prevent Fascist Takeover (No Big Deal)
On a more serious note (don’t worry, we’ll get back to the jokes soon), issuing a blanket pardon could actually serve as a form of preventive defense against authoritarianism. If Trump—or someone like him—were to return to power, you can bet they’d weaponize the justice system to go after their political enemies. It wouldn’t matter whether those enemies had actually done anything wrong; the goal would be to intimidate and silence dissent.
By pardoning his administration preemptively, Biden would be taking that weapon out of their hands. No investigations. No bogus trials. Just a clean slate that says, “Nice try, but we’re not playing your game.” It’s like putting up a giant “No Soliciting” sign on your front door—except instead of vacuum salesmen, you’re keeping out fascists.
Reason #5: Comedy Potential Is Off the Charts
Finally, let’s not underestimate the sheer comedic potential of this move. Imagine the press conference where Biden announces the blanket pardon. He could lean into it with his trademark folksy charm: “Look, folks, I know some people are gonna say this is controversial. But you know what? Life’s too short for lawsuits over budget memos.”
The late-night talk show hosts would have a field day. Stephen Colbert could do a mock segment where he pardons his entire writing staff for bad punchlines. Saturday Night Live could stage a skit where Biden hands out pardons like Oprah handing out cars: “You get a pardon! And you get a pardon! Everybody gets a pardon!”
Even better, imagine the awkward conversations among Biden administration officials who suddenly find themselves pardoned for things they didn’t even realize were questionable. “Wait, why am I being pardoned? All I did was order extra toner for the office printer!”
Conclusion: A Win-Win for Pragmatism and Entertainment
In conclusion, issuing a blanket pardon for everyone in his administration would be a bold, unconventional move that accomplishes multiple goals at once. It would free up the DOJ to focus on real threats, outmaneuver Trump at his own game, energize conspiracy theorists (for our amusement), and protect democracy from authoritarian overreach—all while providing endless material for comedians and late-night hosts.
So come on, Joe—take the plunge. Issue that blanket pardon and let the chips fall where they may. After all, if politics is already a circus, we might as well enjoy the show.
