THE PALM BEACH GOLDEN CHEESECAKE CHRONICLES
A Satirical Report from the Newly Christened "P.B. Golden Cheesecake Factory"
By Staff Writers, The Onion-Adjacent Gazette | October 29, 2026
PALM BEACH, FL — In a move that stunned branding experts, dessert enthusiasts, and the English language itself, former-and-current President Donald J. Trump officially rechristened his Mar-a-Lago estate as "The P.B. Golden Cheesecake Factory" during a raucous, 97-minute campaign rally Tuesday night — a speech that somehow managed to be about everything and nothing at the same time.
The renaming, Trump explained, was a direct counterpunch to former President Barack Obama, who had spent several recent campaign stops roasting Trump's gilded palace as looking like "a Cheesecake Factory designed by Saddam Hussein."
"Obama thinks he's funny. He's not funny. I'm funny," Trump told the crowd, standing behind a podium that appeared to be wrapped in gold lamé. "He called this place the Cheesecake Factory? Fine. We're making it official. But it's the Golden Cheesecake Factory. Because everything I touch turns to gold. Unlike him — everything he touched turned to... you know... not gold."
The Speech: A Greatest-Hits Album Nobody Asked For
What followed was a familiar medley — a kind of political karaoke night where the setlist never changes but the audience keeps shrinking.
Trump recycled virtually every line from his previous rally appearances this month, including:
- His claim that he personally invented the concept of early voting ("I said, 'Why not vote early?' Nobody had thought of it.")
- A 12-minute tangent about water pressure in showers
- An unprompted ranking of world leaders by attractiveness ("Putin — solid 7. Macron — maybe a 4 on a good day. Me? Off the charts.")
But then — then — the speech took a turn that left even seasoned Trump-watchers reaching for their notebooks.
The MAGA Posteriors Monologue
Midway through what was supposed to be an endorsement of Florida congressional candidate Rep. Brenda Hargrove, Trump abruptly pivoted to what can only be described as an extended appreciation of MAGA supporters' backsides.
"We have the best people. The best. And I'll tell you what — we have the best assets. The assets of MAGA. Beautiful. I like big butts. I'm not going to lie. The other side can't compete. Have you seen a Democratic rally? Flat. Very flat. Sad."
The crowd erupted. Rep. Hargrove, standing six feet to his left, smiled the specific smile of a person whose career was actively disintegrating on live television.
The Hargrove Effect: A Pattern Emerges
And disintegrate it did. Within 24 hours of Trump's appearance, Hargrove's polling numbers dropped 11 points — perfectly in line with what campaign strategists have quietly begun calling "The Trump Endorsement Curse."
Here's how every MAGA-endorsed candidate has fared after a Trump rally visit this cycle:
| Candidate | State | Pre-Rally Lead/Deficit | Post-Rally Shift | Current Status |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Jake Tully | Ohio | +3 | −10 | Now trailing |
| Maria Sandoval | Arizona | −1 | −12 | "Exploring other options" |
| Brenda Hargrove | Florida | +6 | −11 | "Grateful for the support" |
| Doug Perkins | Nevada | Even | −10 | Reportedly changed his phone number |
The pattern is remarkably consistent. Political scientists at the University of Virginia have begun studying the phenomenon. Dr. Ellen Marsh, a professor of electoral behavior, told reporters: "We've never seen anything like it. It's as if each rally functions as a reverse campaign ad — for the opponent."
Why the Drop?
The theory is straightforward: Trump spends approximately 90% of each "endorsement" rally talking about himself — specifically, about how attractive he is compared to the candidate he's supposedly there to help.
At the Ohio rally for Jake Tully, Trump told the crowd: "Jake is a great guy. Not a good-looking guy — let's be honest, folks, he's no me — but a great guy. Look at him. He looks like he was assembled from spare parts. But he'll vote the right way."
Tully lost a 3-point lead overnight.
"Please, Sir, Rest": MAGA Candidates Beg Trump to Stay Home
With four days until Election Day, a remarkable new dynamic has emerged: Republican candidates across the country are actively discouraging the President of the United States from campaigning for them.
Internal campaign communications obtained by this publication reveal a coordinated effort among at least seven MAGA-aligned candidates to keep Trump away from their states. The language is delicate but unmistakable:
From the campaign of Senate candidate Rick Bellingham (Georgia): "We deeply appreciate the President's energy and commitment. At this critical juncture, we believe the President's time would be best spent resting and recharging at the beautiful P.B. Golden Cheesecake Factory. Perhaps enjoying some cheesecake. Several slices. Over multiple days."
From the campaign of House candidate Diane Cho (Pennsylvania): "We encourage the President to focus on the important work of governing. Also, we heard the golf course at the Cheesecake Factory is really nice this time of year."
One unnamed campaign manager was more blunt: "Every time he shows up, we lose double digits. At this point I'd rather have him endorse my opponent."
Trump, for his part, seems unaware of the pattern. At Tuesday's rally, he boasted: "Every candidate I endorse wins. Every single one. It's actually incredible. I have a perfect record. Better than perfect."
He does not have a perfect record.
Obama's Response: "The Cheesecake Factory Writes Itself"
Meanwhile, Obama has been gleefully leaning into the nickname war. At a packed rally in Philadelphia on Wednesday, the former president addressed the renaming:
"So I'm told he actually changed the name. He actually renamed it the Golden Cheesecake Factory. I... look, I've been in politics a long time. I have written jokes about this man for years. But he is now writing better material about himself than I ever could."
Obama paused for the laughter to subside, then added:
"These are not serious people. I said the place looked like a Cheesecake Factory, and instead of disputing it, they leaned in. They put it on the sign. That's like if I told someone their cooking was bad and they responded by naming themselves 'World's Worst Chef' and putting it on a business card."
He then pivoted to his now-signature closer on Trump's priorities:
"He's not mad about the corruption allegations. He's not mad about the inflation. He's not mad about the Saddam comparison. He's mad about the Cheesecake Factory. And now, apparently, he's talking about people's butts. At a congressional endorsement rally. This is who's running the country, folks."
The Takeaway: Four Days Out
As the midterms barrel toward November 3, the political landscape presents a surreal tableau:
- Trump is barnstorming the country delivering speeches that function as opposition research against his own candidates.
- Obama has discovered that the most effective campaign strategy is simply quoting Trump verbatim.
- MAGA candidates are hiding from their own party's leader like children avoiding a well-meaning but catastrophically embarrassing uncle at a school play.
- The P.B. Golden Cheesecake Factory is now, apparently, a real thing — complete with new signage, a gold-plated dessert menu, and a ballroom where the president ranks world leaders by bone structure.
And somewhere in Palm Beach, a man who likes big butts and cannot lie is preparing his next rally speech — one that will, statistically speaking, cost another Republican candidate double-digit polling points.
The only remaining question: which candidate draws the short straw?
This is satire. Any resemblance to actual events is entirely intentional and deeply unfortunate.
🧀 The P.B. Golden Cheesecake Factory is not affiliated with The Cheesecake Factory Incorporated, which has asked us to make that extremely clear.
Big Education Ape: DONALD TRUMP – “I LIKE BIG BUTTS (AND I CANNOT LIE, ESPECIALLY HUSTED’S)” https://bigeducationape.blogspot.com/2026/10/donald-trump-i-like-big-butts-and-i.html
DONALD TRUMP – “I LIKE BIG BUTTS (AND I CANNOT LIE, ESPECIALLY HUSTED’S)”
“I Like Big Butts (And I Cannot Lie, Especially Husted’s)” was inspired by Donald J. Trump’s deep, recurring frustration with the fact that America keeps electing politicians who look like they’ve never seen a free weight, while the true athletic specimen — Ohio Senator Jon Husted — walks around with what the 47th President has repeatedly described on the campaign trail as a “magnificent,” “pile-of-muscle” rump that simply demands to be examined.
Just as Sir Mix-A-Lot once rejected the “popsicle-stick” ideal of beauty, Trump has, at rally after rally (Ohio, Kentucky, even North Carolina), refused to stop staring. “I examined his ass… I never did that with a man before,” the President has confessed, before escalating into full anatomical study of Husted’s steel-like shoulders, claw hands, big feet, and jawline. The song is the inevitable next step: a full-throated, red-hatted anthem to the one Republican backside that has officially broken the Commander-in-Chief’s long-standing “I don’t do this with men” policy.
(A satirical parody in the style of Sir Mix-a-Lot’s “Baby Got Back,” reimagined as a campaign-rally banger)
[Intro: Trump voice, over a sparse beat]
Oh my God, folks… look at that butt. It is so big. Tremendous.
He looks like one of those athletes, but, you know…
Who understands these Senate candidates? They only talk to him
Because that rump is a total winner, okay?
I mean, his butt… it’s just so big.
I can’t believe it’s just so round, it’s like… out there.
I mean… magnificent. Look. He’s just so… athletic.
[Verse 1]
I like big butts and I cannot lie
You other guys can’t deny
That when a man walks in with an itty-bitty waist
And a round thing in your face, you get… focused
Wanna pull up tough ’cause you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the suit he’s wearin’
I’m hooked and I can’t stop starin’
Oh, John… I wanna get with ya
And take your picture (for the campaign!)
My advisors tried to warn me
But that butt you got makes me… very interested
Oh, Rump-o’-smooth-skin
You say you wanna get in my Benz?
Well, use me, use me, ’cause you ain’t that average groupie
I’ve seen ’em dancin’, to hell with romancin’
He sweats, wet, got it goin’ like a turbo ’Vette
I’m tired of magazines sayin’ flat butts are the thing
Take the average Trump supporter and ask him that
He gotta pack much back
So, fellas (Yeah!), Fellas (Yeah!)
Has your Senate candidate got the butt? (Hell yeah!)
Tell him to shake it (Shake it!) Shake it (Shake it!)
Shake that healthy butt… baby got back
[Chorus – crowd chant style]
Baby got back!
(Husted’s got that magnificent rump!)
Baby got back!
(First time I ever looked at a man that way… believe me!)
[Verse 2]
I like ’em thick and strong, with the attitude
He got that athletic look, makes the whole room improve
Some people say “Donald, that’s weird,” but I say
I’m just checkin’ if he’s fit enough to win bigly
Pete Buttigieg cried, said I shouldn’t stare
But folks, I’m only making sure the guy can run, repair,
And deliver for America… and that rear
Is a national treasure, the best you’ve ever seen
I’m not gay, I’m just thorough
When I size up a candidate, I go the full mile
Shoulders, arms, the whole package… but mostly
That magnificent rump that makes the crowd go wild
[Final Chorus]
I like big butts and I cannot lie
Especially Husted’s… my eyes just can’t deny
So shake it, John, shake that healthy butt
Baby got back… and it’s tremendous!
(Fade out with crowd roaring “MAGA! MAGA!” and Trump ad-libbing “We’re gonna win so much you’ll get tired of winning… and looking!”)
There you go — pure satirical gold.
Donald Trump Talks About John Husted's Ass Again on Campaign Trail https://www.tmz.com/2026/10/17/president-trump-talks-about-john-husted-butt-again/
