THE STATE OF THE BLAME
TRUMP'S GREATEST HITS TOUR OF FINGER-POINTING
A Preview of Tonight's Address
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump is set to deliver what aides are calling a "historic" State of the Union address tonight, though historians note that calling something "historic" before it happens is usually a bad sign, like naming your boat "Unsinkable" or your blimp "Definitely Won't Explode."
The speech, previewed by the White House as covering "the greatest economy we've ever had," is expected to run approximately four hours, or roughly the length of time it takes for a fact-checker to have a complete nervous breakdown.
But while Trump will undoubtedly tout his successes—real, imagined, and borrowed from a parallel universe where everything he touches turns to gold instead of litigation—the real question on everyone's mind is: Who will take the fall for everything that's gone spectacularly wrong?
THE BLAME GAME LINEUP: Tonight's Scapegoats
The Supreme Court: "Those Ungrateful Justices I Appointed"
In what political scientists are calling "the most awkward front-row seating arrangement since the Red Wedding," the Supreme Court justices will sit directly in front of the President as he presumably roasts them for their recent tariff ruling.
Expected Trump Logic: "I gave you this job, and this is how you repay me? It's like adopting a puppy and then it votes against your economic policy. Sad!"
The President is expected to announce he'll simply ignore the Court's ruling and implement tariffs anyway, using what constitutional scholars call "the 'I'm rubber, you're glue' legal doctrine."
Blame Percentage: 15% — Because nothing says "checks and balances" like publicly shaming the judicial branch while they're trapped in their seats by protocol.
Joe Biden: The Gift That Keeps On Giving (Excuses)
Despite being 14 months into his second term, Trump is expected to continue blaming his predecessor with the dedication of a man who still brings up his high school football stats at age 60.
The Narrative: Every economic problem—from your $8 gallon of milk to your nephew's unemployment to that weird rash you got last summer—is somehow Biden's fault.
Expected Quote: "I inherited the worst economy in history, maybe ever. People are saying it's the worst inheritance since that guy got his dad's Betamax collection. We've fixed it, mostly, but the Biden Stench lingers like a fart in an elevator."
The Reality Check: Economists have pointed out that Trump's own tariffs have contributed significantly to inflation, but economists also use phrases like "elasticity of demand," so who's really the crazy one here?
Blame Percentage: 25% — A classic. Reliable. The "Wonderwall" of presidential excuse-making.
Democratic Mayors and Governors: "The Sanctuary City Saboteurs"
Trump is expected to blame Democratic-led cities for everything from crime to immigration to why his rallies in those cities have poor attendance (definitely not because people don't like him).
The Target List:
- Chicago's mayor (for crime he has no jurisdiction over)
- Minneapolis officials (for not being grateful enough for federal intervention)
- California's governor (for existing)
Expected Rhetoric: "These Democrat-run cities are protecting criminals! Murderers! People who don't even recycle! It's a disgrace!"
The Irony: Many of these cities have lower crime rates than Trump-supporting rural areas, but statistics are just numbers, and numbers are just liberal propaganda with decimal points.
Blame Percentage: 20% — Because federalism is only good when it works in your favor.
Iran: "They Made Me Build Up Military Forces"
In the foreign policy portion, Trump will blame Iran for "forcing" him to amass a massive military presence in the Middle East, despite campaigning against forever wars.
The Logic: "I didn't want to do this, but they made me! It's like when you don't want to eat the entire pizza, but the pizza is developing nuclear weapons, so you have no choice."
The Deadline: Trump is expected to give Iran 10-15 days to dismantle their nuclear program, which is roughly the same amount of time he gives himself to finish a book.
Bonus Blame: European allies will be blamed for "not helping enough" while simultaneously being criticized for "getting involved in things that aren't their business."
Blame Percentage: 15% — Because nothing unites Americans like a good old-fashioned foreign threat (terms and conditions apply).
The "Fake News" Media: The Reliable Punching Bag
When all else fails, blame the messenger.
Expected Claims:
- His 32% approval rating is "fake news"
- Positive coverage of Democratic governors is "propaganda"
- Unflattering photos of him are "digitally altered" (the wind just always blows that way on his hair)
The Paradox: Trump will blame the media for negative coverage while simultaneously demanding they cover him more, like a restaurant patron complaining about the food while asking for seconds.
Blame Percentage: 10% — A palate cleanser between the main courses of blame.
The "Deep State" Bureaucrats: The Invisible Enemy
Trump's Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE—yes, really, like the meme) has been firing federal employees with the enthusiasm of a kid popping bubble wrap.
The Blame: Any policy that hasn't worked is because of "deep state resistance" from employees who were "probably working for Biden" or "secretly Democrats" or "just didn't believe in me enough."
The Evidence: Mostly vibes and that one time someone at the DMV was rude to him.
The Reality: Many of these "bureaucrats" were actually implementing his policies, but were fired before they could finish, leading to the governmental equivalent of a half-assembled IKEA bookshelf.
Blame Percentage: 10% — Because if you can't see them, they can't defend themselves.
Honorable Mention: Everyone Else
Expect brief blame cameos for:
- China (for existing and being good at manufacturing)
- NATO allies (for not spending enough while also spending too much on the wrong things)
- The weather (probably somehow Biden's fault)
- That one reporter who asked a tough question in 2023 (still not over it)
Blame Percentage: 5% — Distributed among various minor offenders.
WHAT WON'T BE BLAMED: A SHORTER LIST
Conspicuously absent from tonight's blame roster:
❌ His own policies — Obviously not a factor
❌ His cabinet appointments — They're all doing "tremendous" jobs
❌ His decision-making — Flawless, like a diamond made of other diamonds
❌ Reality — A liberal construct anyway
THE DEMOCRATIC RESPONSE: Abigail Spanberger's Impossible Task
Virginia Governor Abigail Spanberger will deliver the Democratic rebuttal, a job roughly equivalent to being asked to summarize "War and Peace" in a TikTok video.
Her Challenge: Respond to four hours of Trump in approximately 10 minutes, while standing in an awkwardly lit room that makes everyone look like they're being interrogated.
Expected Strategy:
- Focus on kitchen table issues (actual tables, not the metaphorical ones Trump flips)
- Leverage her CIA background to critique foreign policy (finally, someone who knows what "intelligence" means)
- Avoid getting dragged into the culture war quicksand
- Resist the urge to just shrug and say "Did you see that shit?"
THE BOTTOM LINE
Tonight's State of the Union will be less a presidential address and more a masterclass in deflection, a four-hour exercise in the ancient art of "it wasn't me."
Trump will paint a picture of an America that's simultaneously the greatest it's ever been (thanks to him) and under existential threat (thanks to everyone else). It's Schrödinger's America: both winning and losing until you open the box and check your bank account.
The real state of the union? Confused. Exhausted. Wondering if we can just skip to the part where this is a history lesson instead of current events.
But hey, at least the Supreme Court justices get front-row seats to their own roasting. That's entertainment you can't buy.
Tune in tonight to see which scapegoat gets the most airtime, and remember: in Trump's America, the buck stops anywhere but here.
DRINKING GAME WARNING: Do not drink every time Trump blames someone else. You will die. Your liver will file for political asylum. This is not hyperbole.
Fact-checking services will be working overtime tonight. Thoughts and prayers for their sanity.
