THE MIDNIGHT MADNESS CHRONICLES
INSIDE DONALD TRUMP'S WET FEVER DREAMS
A Nation Held Hostage by Presidential Insomnia and the Billionaire Oligarchy's Bedtime Stories
WASHINGTON D.C. — In what historians are already calling "The Great Unraveling of 2025," America finds itself trapped in the nocturnal emissions of Donald Trump's fever-addled brain, where geopolitical strategy meets 3 AM Twitter tantrums and the Constitution is treated like a suggestion box at a bankrupt casino.
The Norway Incident: When Peace Prizes and Greenland Collide
It began, as all great catastrophes do, with wounded ego and a smartphone. Norwegian Prime Minister Jonas Gahr Støre confirmed receiving what can only be described as a diplomatic ransom note disguised as a text message: Trump, still nursing his Nobel Peace Prize snub like a toddler denied dessert, has decided that if he can't have a shiny medal, he'll settle for Greenland instead.
The logic is impeccable if you're suffering from sleep deprivation and mainlining Diet Coke at 2 AM. Can't win a peace prize? Threaten 10% tariffs on eight European countries! It's the geopolitical equivalent of keying someone's car because they didn't invite you to their birthday party.
Global stock markets, those delicate flowers of capitalism, promptly soiled themselves. Major indices worldwide plummeted faster than Trump's approval ratings in a fact-checking convention. Gold prices hit record highs as investors fled to the only safe haven left: shiny rocks that can't tweet.
The Great Greenland-Minneapolis Confusion: A Military Farce
Meanwhile, the 11th Airborne Division sits on deck, presumably staring at maps and wondering whether they're invading Greenland or Minneapolis—whichever comes first, really. It's like a demented game show: "Wheel of Military Deployment!"
Approximately 1,500 soldiers are currently on standby in Alaska, caught in the liminal space between Arctic conquest and domestic law enforcement. One imagines them checking their orders every few minutes: "Are we liberating ice sheets or suppressing protests? Anyone? Bueller?"
The confusion is understandable. In Trump's fever dreams, geography is fluid, sovereignty is negotiable, and the Insurrection Act is just another item on the late-night menu, somewhere between "Infrastructure Week" and "Covfefe."
The King Kong Conundrum: A President's Identity Crisis
Sources close to the White House—specifically, Stephen Miller, who now sleeps at the foot of Trump's bed like a particularly sinister Chihuahua—report that the President can't decide whether he identifies more as Godzilla or King Kong. He's leaning toward Kong, naturally, because of "the crown thing."
Never mind that Kong never wore a crown. We're past the point of factual accuracy. We're in the realm of pure id, where a 78-year-old man with nuclear codes oscillates between giant lizard and oversized ape, while his chief advisor awakens every few minutes to stoke the fires of imperial ambition like some twisted political Renfield.
The 25th Amendment: Gathering Dust in a Corner
Somewhere in Washington, the 25th Amendment sits in a glass case marked "Break in Case of Emergency," covered in so much dust it's become a historical artifact. Congress, that august body of supposed checks and balances, remains in a coma so deep that medical science cannot detect brain activity.
The Supreme Court majority, having traded their judicial robes for MAGA cheerleader uniforms and "Trump 2028" hats (because term limits are so 20th century), performs elaborate routines spelling out "EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE" in human pyramid form.
The Billionaire Oligarchy's Silver Lining
But let's look on the bright side! The billionaire oligarchy is positively giddy that Greenland has bumped Venezuela off the front pages. More importantly, the Epstein files have been relegated to page 47, right between the crossword puzzle and the obituaries where they belong.
Trump, ever the entrepreneur, has racked up another billion in Bitcoin graft—because why accept boring old campaign contributions when you can have imaginary internet money? The Trump Grift Shop™ has broken sales records, with pardons flying off the shelves faster than you can say "obstruction of justice." The J6 pardons? Child's play. We're talking premium, artisanal pardons now, aged in corruption and bottled at full moral bankruptcy.
The Heritage Foundation's Helpful Timeline
The Heritage Foundation, those cheerful architects of democratic demolition, are urging Trump to "speed up the destruction and disruption" before those pesky midterm elections potentially pump the brakes on this runaway train to authoritarianism.
Trump, always one to take constructive criticism, has helpfully noted that "election cancellation is still on the table." It's right there between the breakfast menu and the nuclear football—just another option for a Tuesday morning.
ICE as Distraction: The Minneapolis Smokescreen
While America's attention ping-pongs between Greenland and Norway like a demented game of geopolitical Pong, Trump's rebranded Gestapo—sorry, ICE—ravages Minneapolis. The shooting of Renee Good, a legal observer whom the administration creatively labeled a "domestic terrorist" (because observing is apparently terrorism now), has sparked nationwide protests.
But that's the beauty of the nocturnal emission strategy: throw so much crazy at the wall that nobody can focus on any single atrocity. It's the ADHD approach to authoritarianism. Why commit one constitutional violation when you can commit seventeen before lunch?
The Constitution: More Like Guidelines, Really
Trump continues to dither from foreign policy to domestic policy, treating the Constitution like a Terms of Service agreement—something you scroll past without reading before clicking "I Agree." The bounds and guardrails? More like gentle suggestions. Speed bumps on the highway to autocracy.
Analysts warn that additional tariffs could harm European GDP by 0.2 percentage points and increase U.S. consumer prices by 4%-10%. But who cares about economics when you're living inside a fever dream where you're a giant ape with a crown, threatening Scandinavia because they gave a peace prize to someone else?
Public Opinion: That Inconvenient Thing
In a rare outbreak of sanity, only 17% of Americans support acquiring Greenland, with even fewer backing military action. But since when has public opinion mattered in a fever dream? The people are merely extras in Trump's midnight movie, background characters in his delusional epic.
Conclusion: Welcome to the Fever
As dawn breaks on another day in Trump's America, Stephen Miller stirs at the foot of the presidential bed, ready to stoke the fires of madness once more. The 11th Airborne Division checks their maps again. Congress remains comatose. The Supreme Court practices their cheers.
And somewhere in the White House, a phone glows in the darkness, ready to launch the next nocturnal emission into an unsuspecting world. Will it be Canada this time? Panama? A strongly worded threat to the moon for being too bright?
The only certainty is uncertainty. The only plan is chaos. The only strategy is the fever dream.
Welcome to America, 2025: Where the Constitution is optional, geography is negotiable, and a good night's sleep is a distant memory for everyone except Congress.
God save us all. Or King Kong. Whichever comes first.
EDITOR'S NOTE: This article was written at 3 AM because that's when the President does his best work, and we felt it only fair to meet him on his level. The author is now seeking asylum in Greenland, assuming it still exists as an independent entity by publication time.
