TRUMP'S WORST WEEK EVER: HOW HE SHOT HIMSELF ON FIFTH AVENUE AND SURVIVED (BUT BARELY)
'The President Who Could Do Anything Just Did Everything Wrong'
WASHINGTON — For years, Donald Trump famously boasted he could "stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody" and not lose voters. Well, this week he finally tested that theory—except instead of shooting someone else, he turned the gun on himself. Five times. In front of Trump Tower. While his base watched in horror.
Welcome to November 8-14, 2025: the week Donald J. Trump managed to unite his enemies, enrage his allies, and make even Marjorie Taylor Greene say "I'm out." If there's a political Hall of Fame for self-immolation, this week just earned a bronze bust next to Richard Nixon's resignation letter.
The Epstein Files: When Your Past Calls You "Dangerous"
Let's start with the nuclear bomb that dropped Monday: newly released Jeffrey Epstein emails where the deceased pedophile—not exactly known for his moral compass—called Trump "one of the worst people I ever dealt with" and "dangerous." Even more damning? Allegations that Trump "knew about the girls."
Think about that. Jeffrey Epstein thought Trump was too sketchy. That's like Gordon Ramsay saying your cooking is too aggressive, or Elon Musk telling you to log off Twitter.
MAGA influencers immediately declared it a deep-state fabrication, which would be more convincing if they hadn't spent the last eight years insisting Epstein's client list would vindicate Trump. Oops. Meanwhile, Democrats have already printed the emails on T-shirts for the 2026 midterms. One features Epstein's mugshot with the caption: "Even I Had Standards."
The H1B Hostage Crisis: "You're Talentless, America!"
But wait—there's more! In what Fox News insiders are calling "the worst interview of his presidency," Trump and VP Vance defended expanding H1B visas, essentially telling American workers they're too dumb to fill tech jobs.
"We need the best and brightest," Trump said, waving dismissively at the camera like he was shooing away a pigeon. "Frankly, we don't have enough talent here."
Congratulations, Mr. President: You just called your base unemployable on national television. MAGA Twitter—sorry, X—erupted like a digital Vesuvius. Even Laura Loomer, who once chained herself to Twitter HQ for Trump, posted a crying emoji and the word "betrayed" seventeen times.
The "America First" crowd is now asking: "America first for what? Layoffs?" One viral post showed Trump's campaign slogan edited to read: "Make India Great Again." It has 4 million views. Trump's team has not commented, presumably because they're all updating their LinkedIn profiles.
Tariffs, Inflation, and the "Let Them Eat Cake" Moment
Remember when Trump promised to make America affordable again? Well, this week grocery prices hit levels so high they're now classified as a controlled substance in three states. Eggs cost $47. A gallon of milk requires a co-signer. Somewhere, a loaf of bread is being used as collateral for a car loan.
Trump's tariffs—sold as economic patriotism—are now blamed for tanking job growth and reigniting inflation. When asked about it in an interview, Trump called concerns "absurd" and suggested people "shop smarter."
Yes, the billionaire who eats gold-leaf steaks told struggling families to clip coupons. Marie Antoinette is somewhere nodding approvingly.
The Wall Street Journal reported the White House is quietly rolling back tariffs to avoid a market crash, which is like setting your house on fire and then taking credit for calling 911. Voters noticed. Trump's approval rating dropped faster than a piano in a cartoon.
Terrorist Tea Time at the White House
In a move that somehow wasn't a fever dream, Trump hosted Abu Mohammad al-Jolani—an actual designated terrorist with Al-Qaeda and ISIS ties—in the Oval Office this week. Al-Jolani, whose group killed U.S. troops, got the full red-carpet treatment: photo ops, handshakes, probably some Diet Cokes.
Veterans groups are apoplectic. Gold Star families are demanding answers. And Trump's defense? "He seemed nice. Very polite. Great guy, actually."
One X user summed it up: "Trump just invited the guy who killed our soldiers to sit in the chair where Lincoln sat. This is fine. Everything is fine." The post included a GIF of a dog in a burning room.
Even Tucker Carlson looked uncomfortable covering it, which is saying something for a man who once defended Russian war crimes with a straight face.
50-Year Mortgages: Debt Slavery, But Make It American
Facing backlash over unaffordable housing, the Trump administration proposed 50-year mortgages and 15-year car loans. Yes, you read that right. Your grandchildren can now inherit your Honda Civic payments.
Critics immediately dubbed it "generational debt slavery," while Trump's team insists it's "innovative financing." Sure, and the Titanic was an "innovative swimming opportunity."
One viral TikTok showed a millennial calculating that under this plan, they'd pay off their house in 2075—roughly when scientists predict the sun will explode. "At least I'll own it for a few minutes," she deadpanned.
Even Trump's base is furious, calling it a bailout for banks disguised as help for families. One comment read: "He promised to drain the swamp. Instead, he gave it a 50-year mortgage."
Election Bloodbath: The Voters Have Spoken (and They're Pissed)
As if the week wasn't bad enough, Republicans got demolished in off-year elections across New York, Virginia, New Jersey, and—brace yourself—Portland. Yes, Portland. Trump lost in a city where people unironically use "kombucha sommelier" as a job title.
Exit polls cited tariffs, broken promises, and "general exhaustion with the chaos." One voter in Virginia told reporters: "I voted for cheaper eggs. I got expensive eggs and a terrorist in the White House. I'm done."
Trump was reportedly booed at a rally in Ohio—Ohio—where a crowd member yelled, "What happened to America First?!" Trump responded by blaming the media, which is his version of "the dog ate my homework."
Groceries: That Special Word
And then there are the groceries. Oh, the groceries. Trump keeps saying the word "groceries" like it's a magical incantation that will make inflation disappear. "Groceries are doing great," he insisted Tuesday, despite prices being higher than Snoop Dogg at Coachella.
Groceries are so expensive right now, they're literally higher than half the people in his Cabinet—and that's including Robert F. Kennedy Jr., who's 6'2" and possibly made of kombucha.
One meme circulating X shows Trump at a supermarket, staring at a $12 gallon of orange juice with the caption: "I don't understand. I fixed this." Narrator: He did not fix this.
The MTG Defection: When Even the Chaos Caucus Says "Nah"
But perhaps the most shocking development? Marjorie Taylor Greene—yes, that Marjorie Taylor Greene, the woman who once blamed wildfires on Jewish space lasers—has reportedly distanced herself from Trump.
According to sources, MTG is "frustrated" with the H1B stance and feels Trump has "abandoned the base." When you've lost the person who thinks the government controls the weather, you've lost the plot.
Her latest tweet was cryptic: "Sometimes you have to stand for principles over personalities. 🇺🇸" Translation: "I'm out, but I'll leave the door open in case he pivots."
MAGA world is in shambles. If MTG is the canary in the coal mine, the mine just exploded.
The Verdict: A Week for the History Books (The Bad Ones)
So what have we learned? That even Trump's superpower—surviving scandals that would vaporize normal politicians—has limits. That his base will tolerate a lot, but not being called talentless while grocery prices soar. That hosting terrorists is bad optics. And that 50-year mortgages are, shockingly, unpopular.
Trump's approval rating is now in the low 40s, his 2026 midterm prospects look grim, and his own allies are Googling "how to unendorse someone."
Could he recover? Sure. He's done it before. But this week felt different—like watching a Jenga tower wobble after one too many bad moves.
As one X user put it: "Trump shot himself on Fifth Avenue five times this week. Turns out, he can lose voters. Who knew?"
Correction: An earlier version of this article stated eggs cost $47. They actually cost $46.99. We regret the error.
