IS RFK JR. A WITCH DOCTOR
OR JUST TRYING TO KILL US?
Ladies and gentlemen, step right up to the greatest show in public health—or rather, the greatest 'circus' in public health! In one corner, we have Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the newly minted Secretary of Health and Human Services, a man who’s taken the Hippocratic Oath and turned it into a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure novel. In the other corner, we have… well, science, reason, and a few thousand fired health workers wondering where their paychecks went. Is RFK Jr. a witch doctor brewing potions in the basement of the HHS, or is he simply a misunderstood maverick trying to save Americans from Big Pharma’s clutches—by accidentally unleashing measles, bird flu, and chaos? Let’s take a long, satirical stroll through the evidence and decide for ourselves.
The Measles Maestro of Samoa and Beyond
Picture this: it’s 2019, and a measles outbreak in Samoa is claiming lives faster than you can say “herd immunity.” Enter RFK Jr., not with a vaccine or a public health plan, but with a megaphone for anti-vaccine rhetoric. His organization, Children’s Health Defense, swoops in, cozying up to local anti-vaxxers and promoting unproven treatments like high-dose vitamin A. The result? A tragic 83 deaths, mostly children, in a preventable outbreak. Fast-forward to 2025, and RFK Jr. is now running the HHS, where a measles outbreak in Texas—600 cases and counting, with multiple fatalities—has public health experts screaming into their lab coats. Coincidence? Or is RFK Jr. conducting a grand experiment to see how many preventable diseases can stage a comeback tour?
Kennedy’s response to the Texas outbreak was peak performance art: downplaying measles as a “minor rash” and suggesting homeopathic remedies that sound like they were scribbled on a napkin at a crystal shop. Forget the MMR vaccine, folks—grab some elderberry syrup and a dreamcatcher! His supporters call this “empowering personal health choices.” Critics call it “a one-man wrecking ball to public health.” You decide.
The Autism Myth That Won’t Die
If there’s one thing RFK Jr. loves more than a good conspiracy theory, it’s the discredited notion that vaccines cause autism. Decades of peer-reviewed studies—hundreds of them, involving millions of kids—have shown no link. But Kennedy, undeterred by pesky things like evidence, has made this his hill to die on. His 2021 book, 'The Real Anthony Fauci', reads like a sci-fi thriller where vaccines are the villain, Fauci is the evil overlord, and RFK Jr. is the caped crusader armed with… a bibliography of blog posts.
As HHS Secretary, he’s taken this crusade to new heights, firing all 17 members of the CDC’s Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices in June 2025 and replacing them with vaccine skeptics who probably think “double-blind study” is a cocktail recipe. The result? Vaccination rates are plummeting faster than a lead balloon, and measles is throwing a rave in unvaccinated communities. But don’t worry—Kennedy assures us that autism rates will drop any day now. Any. Day. Now.
The Bear, the Whale, and the Heroin: A Personal Life Soap Opera
Let’s pivot to the man behind the myth. RFK Jr.’s personal life is a tabloid editor’s fever dream. In 2014, he allegedly dumped a dead bear cub in Central Park, claiming it was a prank. A prank! Because nothing says “funny” like a decomposing animal in a public park. Then there’s the whale incident—Kennedy was investigated for illegally collecting a whale skull, which he kept as a trophy. Environmental lawyer turned Captain Ahab? Check.
Oh, and let’s not forget the heroin. In the 1980s, Kennedy battled a heroin addiction, which he’s been open about. Admirable, sure, but it’s hard not to raise an eyebrow when the guy who once struggled with substance abuse is now preaching about “toxic pollutants” in water fluoridation. Speaking of which, Kennedy calls fluoride—widely hailed as a public health triumph—a “toxic industrial waste.” His solution? Ban it, obviously, and let Americans’ teeth fend for themselves in the Wild West of dental care.
The COVID Conundrums and Ethnic Targeting Tinfoil
During the COVID-19 pandemic, RFK Jr. was a one-man misinformation machine. He claimed the virus was a bioengineered weapon “ethnically targeted” to spare Ashkenazi Jews and Chinese people—a statement so unhinged it earned a rare rebuke from the American Jewish Committee and his own family. His niece, a physician, leaked emails showing him peddling COVID vaccine lies, while his cousin Caroline Kennedy called him a “predator” unfit for public office. Ouch. Nothing says “family reunion” like a public disowning.
As HHS Secretary, Kennedy doubled down, claiming young children faced “basically zero” risk from COVID-19 (false) and slashing $500 million in mRNA vaccine research funding in August 2025. His reasoning? A stack of papers from a vaccine skeptic that, upon review, had all the scientific rigor of a Reddit thread. Meanwhile, he’s vilified doctors and hospitals, tweeting that they profit from keeping Americans sick. Because nothing inspires trust in healthcare like accusing your doctor of being a Bond villain.
The MAHA Madness: Make America Healthy Again or Make America Hysterical Again?
Kennedy’s “Make America Healthy Again” (MAHA) agenda sounds like a bumper sticker for a juice cleanse cult. His adviser, Calley Means, calls the healthcare system “utterly failed” and wants to redirect NIH funding to “root-cause research” like lifestyle interventions. Noble in theory, but when you’re cutting vaccine research, elderly services, and rural health programs while a measles outbreak rages, it feels less like reform and more like a demolition derby.
Kennedy’s also restructuring SNAP to ban soda and processed foods, which sounds healthy until you realize low-income families in food deserts might just end up with no food at all. And his push to deregulate the FDA? It’s less about “innovation” and more about letting untested supplements flood the market like candy at a parade. His dream team—featuring Dr. Oz and other fringe figures—has health experts wondering if HHS is now auditioning for a reality show.
Witch Doctor or Public Health Menace?
So, is RFK Jr. a witch doctor, waving sage and chanting against Big Pharma’s evil spirits? Or is he just a lawyer with a famous last name, a knack for conspiracy theories, and a dangerous amount of power? The evidence leans toward the latter. His actions—firing 10,000 health workers, gutting vaccine programs, and promoting debunked theories—have already fueled a deadly measles outbreak and eroded trust in institutions. His personal life, from bear cubs to whale skulls, suggests a man more comfortable with chaos than competence.
But let’s give credit where it’s due: Kennedy’s got charisma. He’s convinced millions that he’s fighting the good fight, even as diseases like measles make a comeback. Maybe he’s not trying to kill Americans—maybe he just thinks he’s saving them from a world of fluoride and vaccines. Either way, the body count is rising, and the only thing spreading faster than measles is the disbelief of public health experts watching this trainwreck unfold.
In conclusion, RFK Jr. isn’t a witch doctor. He’s something scarier: a man with no medical degree, a lawyer’s knack for persuasion, and a government job that lets him turn fringe beliefs into policy. So, grab your essential oils and buckle up, America—it’s going to be a bumpy ride. Just don’t forget to vaccinate your kids first.
*Disclaimer: This is satire, but the facts are real. Measles is no joke—get vaccinated.
Americans’ views of RFK Jr.’s job as health secretary lean negative | Pew Research Center https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2025/06/05/more-americans-disapprove-than-approve-of-the-job-robert-f-kennedy-jr-is-doing-as-us-health-secretary/
