DOGE BOYS DISCOVER THE 1968 GTO AND COBOL
Once upon a time, in a world where bell-bottoms were considered high fashion and the Beatles were still defining cool, two titans emerged to shape their respective domains. One was a beast of muscle and chrome, the 1968 Pontiac GTO—Motor Trend’s Car of the Year and the undisputed king of the muscle car jungle. The other was COBOL (Common Business-Oriented Language), a programming language so revolutionary it promised to make government and business computing as smooth as Burt Reynolds’ mustache. Fast forward to today, and both of these relics have found themselves in the hands of the Doge Boys, a group of modern-day treasure hunters who stumbled upon these ancient marvels while trying to “fix” the government. What they unearthed was less a treasure and more a cautionary tale about nostalgia, duct tape, and billionaire mischief.
The GTO: A Car That Could Bench-Press Your Dad
The 1968 Pontiac GTO wasn’t just a car; it was a statement. With its sleek lines, aggressive stance, and a 360-horsepower Ram-Air engine that could make even the most stoic driver giggle like a schoolgirl, this car was the epitome of swagger. It wasn’t just about speed—it was about owning the road, turning heads at every corner, and making every other car feel like it needed therapy.
The GTO pioneered the use of Endura bumpers, flexible rubber-like contraptions that could absorb impact without flinching. It was as if Pontiac engineers had asked themselves, “What if we made a car that could survive a bar fight?” The answer was the GTO, a machine so tough it felt like it could drive through walls. Add a Hurst 4-speed shifter and a hood-mounted tachometer for extra flair, and you had a car that was less transportation and more rock concert on wheels.
But while the GTO roared through the streets like a lion with a midlife crisis, COBOL quietly hummed along in back offices and government buildings, crunching numbers and organizing data with the precision of an accountant who moonlights as a ninja.
COBOL: The Language That Wouldn’t Die
COBOL was introduced in 1959 and standardized in 1968—the same year the GTO hit its peak. Designed for business data processing, it was like the nerdy kid who sat in the back of the class but secretly ran the school. COBOL powered payroll systems, tax calculations, and even military operations. It was stable, reliable, and readable—qualities that made it indispensable but also about as exciting as watching paint dry.
By the 1980s, when Reaganomics was all the rage and people started saying things like “government is too big,” COBOL was still chugging along in IRS systems, Social Security databases, and military applications. It wasn’t flashy like the Corvette (the GTO’s nemesis) or modern programming languages like DOS or NT; it was more like your dad’s old recliner—worn out but still functional with a little duct tape.
The Y2K Bug: COBOL’s Midlife Crisis
As the millennium approached, COBOL faced its biggest challenge yet: Y2K. Programmers realized that COBOL’s date system didn’t account for years beyond 1999. This wasn’t just a minor hiccup; it was like discovering your car’s brakes only work until you hit 50 mph. Panic ensued. Governments scrambled to find programmers who could fix this ticking time bomb, but most of them had retired or moved on to more glamorous languages.
Cue the return of old-school programmers—gray-haired veterans who looked like they’d stepped out of a time machine from 1965. Armed with coffee, nostalgia, and an alarming amount of duct tape, they patched COBOL systems just in time to avoid global catastrophe. Civilization didn’t collapse, but COBOL’s reputation as an ancient relic was cemented forever.
Enter the Doge Boys: WTF is This Crap?
Fast forward to today, where the Doge Boys—modern tech-savvy troubleshooters—found themselves knee-deep in government systems still running on patched-up COBOL code. It was like discovering an old GTO in Cuba: shiny on the outside but held together by hope and chewing gum on the inside.
“WTF is this crap?” they exclaimed as they sifted through lines of code that looked like hieroglyphics written by accountants. But as they dug deeper, they realized this wasn’t just about outdated technology—it was about politics, billionaires, and the art of breaking things on purpose.
The Billionaire Playbook: Breaking Government 101
The Doge Boys uncovered what can only be described as “The Billionaire Playbook,” a four-step guide to dismantling government while pretending to save it:
1. Defund – Starve the Beast
First, you convince everyone that government is inefficient (cue Reagan’s “government is too big” speech). Then you slash budgets so agencies can’t afford to modernize their systems. It’s like telling someone their house is falling apart while refusing to buy them new tools to fix it.
2. Degrade – Failure by Design
Next, you let outdated systems run until they break down completely. Imagine trying to run a marathon in flip-flops—it’s not going to end well. Government agencies running on COBOL became prime examples of “failure by design,” reinforcing the narrative that government doesn’t work.
3. Demonize – Blame Anyone but the Billionaires
When things inevitably go wrong (like COBOL systems crashing), you blame everyone except the people who caused the problem. Politicians point fingers at bureaucrats, techies blame old programmers, and billionaires sit back sipping champagne while tweeting about “efficiency.”
4. Dismantle – Privatization Nation
Finally, you swoop in with calls for privatization because “the private sector is so much better.” Never mind that private companies often charge twice as much for half the service—it’s all about selling the illusion of efficiency while cashing in on government contracts.
Nostalgia vs Progress: The GTO vs COBOL Debate
The Doge Boys couldn’t help but draw parallels between the GTO and COBOL. Both were revolutionary in their time but had become relics in an era that values innovation over nostalgia. Sure, owning a GTO today might be cool for weekend joyrides, but no one wants to rely on it for everyday transportation. Similarly, while COBOL proved its worth for decades, clinging to it now feels like insisting your rotary phone is still good enough for Zoom calls.
Hands Off! The Fight Against Billionaire Influence
As the Doge Boys unraveled this mess, they stumbled upon something else: mass protests scheduled for April 5, 2025, under the banner “Hands Off!” These rallies aim to push back against billionaire influence in politics—particularly figures like Elon Musk and Donald Trump—who have championed privatization as the cure-all for government inefficiency. Activists are calling for modernization and investment in public systems rather than selling them off to the highest bidder.
From Alaska to Florida, protestors are gearing up to say “no” to dismantling democracy one COBOL patch at a time. Blankets will be spread out; snacks will be shared; contact info will be exchanged—all in an effort to reclaim a government that works for people instead of profits.
Conclusion: Nostalgia is Nice, But Progress is Better
In the end, what do we make of this tale? The 1968 Pontiac GTO remains an icon—a symbol of freedom, power, and unapologetic coolness. COBOL, on the other hand, is less an icon and more a cautionary tale about what happens when you refuse to invest in progress. Both serve as reminders that while nostalgia has its place (who wouldn’t want to take a GTO for a spin?), clinging to outdated systems out of stubbornness or political convenience only leads to inefficiency and frustration.
As for the Doge Boys? They’ve learned that fixing government isn’t about duct tape or flashy marketing campaigns; it’s about investing in modernization and refusing to let billionaires dictate our future. And maybe—just maybe—it’s also about taking that old GTO out for one last joyride before sending it off to a museum where it belongs. After all, some relics deserve preservation—just not as tools for running civilization.
Pontiac GTO: Motor Trend’s 1968 Car of the Year https://www.motortrend.com/features/pontiac-gto-1968-motortrend-car-of-the-year/
What is COBOL? | IBM https://www.ibm.com/think/topics/cobol#:~:text=COBOL%20was%20ultimately%20standardized%20as,%2D74%20and%20COBOL%2D85.
HANDS OFF: April 5th Mobilization Informational For Event Hosts · Indivisible https://www.mobilize.us/indivisible/event/764476/
Indivisible https://indivisible.org/
