THE OFFICIAL TRUMP ADMINISTRATION CORRUPTION MENU™
"Democracy à la Carte: Because Draining the Swamp Was Getting Expensive"
A Satirical Public Service Announcement for Confused MAGA Donors, Bewildered Billionaires, and Anyone Who's Ever Wondered What a Senator Actually Costs These Days
"It won't show up anywhere if you wire money to American Express. That's all that will show." — Kimberly Guilfoyle, apparently reinventing the concept of a discreet transaction
📋 WELCOME TO THE MENU
For too long, the art of American corruption has been needlessly complicated. Donors wandered the halls of power like tourists without a map — overpaying for a regulatory rollback, accidentally bribing the wrong cabinet member, or worse, wiring $100,000 to someone's personal Amex and getting absolutely nothing in return.
No more.
In the spirit of efficiency, transparency (of the ironic variety), and the proud MAGA tradition of running government like a business, the Trump Administration is proud to present the Official Corruption Menu™ — your comprehensive, laminated, Signal-encrypted guide to getting things done in Washington, D.C.
All prices are approximate. Results not guaranteed. The White House assumes no legal liability. Void where prohibited by the Constitution, which is most places, but we're working on that.
🥗 STARTERS
"Just Getting Your Foot in the Door"
These entry-level offerings are perfect for the first-time influence buyer, the mid-tier donor who's tired of being ignored at galas, or the crypto bro who just wants someone to return his calls.
| Item | Price Range | What You Get |
|---|---|---|
| The Handshake Special | $25,000–$50,000 | A photo with a cabinet member. They will not remember your name. |
| The Signal Starter Pack | $50,000–$100,000 | A direct text from an ambassador. May include praying emojis and PDF wiring instructions. |
| The Inaugural Appetizer | $1,000,000 | A seat at the Inaugural Gala, a gift bag, and the vague sense that someone in power now owes you something. |
| The Golden Ballroom Table | $250,000+ | Dinner adjacent to someone adjacent to the President. Breadsticks included. |
Chef's Note: The Signal Starter Pack was pioneered by Ambassador Kimberly Guilfoyle, who streamlined the solicitation process by cutting out the middleman entirely and going straight to "Honey please I need you to get this done for me today." Bold. Efficient. Allegedly criminal.
🍽️ MAIN COURSES
"The Serious Business of Serious Business"
🏛️ THE REGULATORY RELIEF PLATTER
For corporations tired of being regulated like they're subject to laws.
| Regulatory Relief Type | Suggested Donation | Reported Outcome |
|---|---|---|
| SEC Enforcement Dismissal (Crypto) | $1M–$10M to Inaugural Fund / MAGA Inc. | Ask Coinbase, Kraken, or Gemini — they'll tell you it works |
| FCPA Investigation Closure | $1M to Inaugural Fund | Johnson & Johnson sends its regards |
| FDA Regulatory Delay | Undisclosed tobacco-sector contribution | Your lungs, your problem |
| NLRB Labor Probe Dropped | Multi-million Super PAC donation | Private prison firms currently very happy |
| ICE Contract Expansion | Bundled Super PAC contributions | GEO Group currently extremely happy |
Pairing Suggestion: Best enjoyed with a side of "no legal wrongdoing occurred" press release and a Deputy Attorney General who holds up to $500,000 in crypto assets while closing your crypto case. See: Todd Blanche, who apparently didn't see a conflict because he was too busy not looking.
⚖️ THE PARDON & CLEMENCY PRIX FIXE
Because justice, like everything else, is better when it's personalized.
The Presidential Pardon is the crown jewel of the menu — a constitutional privilege so unreviewable that it practically comes with its own immunity sauce.
How It Works:
- Commit fraud, ideally at scale
- Donate generously to Trump-affiliated funds
- Retain a Trump-connected lobbyist (six-figure retainer recommended)
- Await your pardon like a soufflé — timing is everything
Recent Satisfied Customers Include:
Trevor Milton (Nikola Founder): Donated $1.8M to Trump-affiliated funds. Received full pardon. Court-ordered restitution of hundreds of millions? Gone. Like it never happened. Like the trucks that never worked.
Philip Duran (Medicare Fraud Enthusiast): Multi-million dollar sentence commuted. Tens of millions in restitution to taxpayers? Also gone. The taxpayers have been informed they should have donated more.
Nursing Home Executives Paul Walczak & Joseph Schwartz: Million-dollar contributions. Presidential clemency. The circle of life, Washington-style.
Note: The White House maintains these pardons reflect the President's deep commitment to justice. Critics maintain they reflect the President's deep commitment to donors. Both groups agree money changed hands.
🌍 THE AMBASSADORSHIP SELECTION
For when you want a title, a residence in a beautiful foreign country, and absolutely no relevant qualifications.
| Posting | Estimated Contribution | Qualifications Required |
|---|---|---|
| Greece (Mediterranean, lovely) | $100K personal Amex wire + prior relationship | Must be willing to text donors on Signal |
| Gulf State of Your Choice | $5B in Middle Eastern sovereign capital (Jared Kushner model) | Willingness to do "informal foreign policy" |
| Anywhere Nice in Europe | $1M+ bundled donations | Ability to spell the country's name |
| Anywhere Less Nice | $500K | Pulse |
The Guilfoyle Special: For an additional $100,000 wired directly to a personal credit card account, receive the promise of being someone's "Trump ride or die, forever and ever." Offer subject to availability. Donor Eric Deters declined and reports she "never came through on anything." Caveat emptor.
🪖 THE DEFENSE DEPARTMENT DAILY SPECIAL
"War is expensive. So is knowing about it in advance."
The Defense Department menu is our most exclusive offering, available only to those with the foresight to invest in the right contractors before the bombs start falling.
The Hegseth Hedge: Place multi-million dollar investments in Lockheed Martin and Northrop Grumman equity funds weeks before major Middle East military operations are announced. Results: Excellent. Ethics reviews: Ongoing.
The Don Jr. Pentagon Loan: Have your venture capital firm acquire an undisclosed equity stake in a defense company. Watch as Senior Trade Adviser Peter Navarro secures said company a $620M Pentagon loan. Smile for the House Oversight Committee cameras.
The Stephen Miller Portfolio: Maintain financial equity in defense and security contractors. Personally oversee multi-billion-dollar ICE facility expansion contracts. Decline to see the problem.
Disclaimer: The Defense Department would like to clarify that all policy decisions are driven by national security interests and absolutely not by anyone's brokerage account. The brokerage accounts are just a coincidence. A very profitable coincidence.
🌐 THE TECH BRO & BILLIONAIRE TASTING MENU
"Because Regular Corruption Isn't Scalable"
For our most valued customers — the visionaries, the disruptors, the men who believe democracy is a legacy system in need of an update.
The Trump Administration is proud to offer a bespoke corruption experience for the ultra-high-net-worth individual. No fixed menu. No fixed prices. Just vibes, access, and the quiet understanding that the regulatory apparatus of the United States government is, for the right investor, surprisingly flexible.
Featured Offerings:
🪙 The World Liberty Financial Token Package
- Purchase Trump family cryptocurrency tokens at tiered investment levels
- Higher tiers unlock: private resort access, White House summit invitations, direct contact with Cabinet-level policymakers
- The UAE got a 49% stake for $187 million. What's your number?
- Foreign Emoluments Clause concerns: Yes. Enforcement: Pending. Vibes: Immaculate.
🏌️ The Golf & Policy Bundle (Middle East Edition)
- Pay tens of millions in branding and licensing fees to the Trump Organization
- Receive: favorable U.S. foreign policy stances, security guarantees, weapons sales approvals
- Available in: Oman, UAE, Saudi Arabia, and wherever else has money and a golf course
- Jared Kushner's $5 billion in sovereign wealth fund commitments available as a case study upon request
✈️ The Qatar Upgrade
- For the sovereign nation that has everything: gift a $400 million Boeing 747 luxury jet to the administration
- Receive: warm bilateral relations, favorable policy positioning, and the satisfaction of knowing the U.S. taxpayer will spend another $1 billion retrofitting it
- Constitutional scholars call this an Emoluments Clause violation. The administration calls it "a very beautiful plane."
💰 ACCEPTED FORMS OF PAYMENT
We have modernized. We are very pro-innovation.
| Payment Method | Accepted? | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| Wire Transfer to Personal Amex | ✅ Highly Encouraged | "It won't show up anywhere." — K. Guilfoyle |
| Bitcoin & Major Cryptocurrencies | ✅ Preferred | Especially if you've bought Trump family tokens |
| Super PAC Donation (MAGA Inc.) | ✅ Standard | The classic. Reliable. Boring but effective. |
| Inaugural Fund Contribution | ✅ Standard | Gets you in the door. Barely. |
| Cash in Taped Recording | ⚠️ Use Caution | See: Tom Homan investigation. Charges dropped. Still, be careful. |
| Foreign Sovereign Wealth Fund | ✅ Premium Tier | Direct family access. Crypto stake preferred. |
| Luxury Aircraft | ✅ For Nations Only | Must be Boeing. Must be $400M+. |
| Golf Course Licensing Fees | ✅ Premium | Middle Eastern clients especially welcome. |
| Six-Figure Lobbying Retainer | ✅ For Pardon Seekers | Pay the connected operative. Await the call. |
| Blind Trust | ❌ Not Accepted | The Trump family uses a family-managed trust. The "blind" part was considered but rejected as inconvenient. |
| Moral Suasion | ❌ Absolutely Not | Please do not try this. |
🧾 THE PRICE LIST: PEOPLE & POSITIONS
A rough guide, compiled from public reporting, watchdog investigations, and the general vibe of things.
| Person / Role | Access Level | Estimated Entry Price | What You're Buying |
|---|---|---|---|
| The President | Supreme | $1M+ crypto token purchase OR foreign real estate deal | Policy stances, weapons approvals, the occasional tweet |
| Cabinet Secretary | Very High | $1M Inaugural + ongoing Super PAC | Regulatory rollback, enforcement closure, favorable contract |
| Senior Advisor (e.g., S. Miller) | High | Defense contractor equity alignment | ICE contracts, immigration policy, stern looks |
| Ambassador (e.g., Guilfoyle) | Medium-High | $100K personal wire OR prior relationship | Access promises, Signal texts, praying emojis |
| Deputy AG (e.g., Blanche) | High | Crypto industry alignment | DOJ probe closure, enforcement freeze |
| FAA Administrator (e.g., Bedford) | Sector-Specific | Republic Airways stock, apparently | Seven months of favorable aviation regulation |
| Defense Secretary (e.g., Hegseth) | Very High | Defense equity fund investment | Pre-strike portfolio positioning |
| Congressional Senator | Variable | $500K–$2M bundled donations | Confirmation votes, oversight inaction, strategic silence |
| Congressional Congressman | Variable | $250K–$1M | Committee assignments, floor votes, enthusiastic cable news appearances |
| Border Representative (e.g., Homan) | High | $50K cash (allegedly, on tape) | Immigration enforcement direction. Investigation: dropped. |
Note: All prices are estimates based on publicly reported figures. The administration notes that correlation is not causation, that all donations are legal, and that anyone who suggests otherwise is relying on media sources, which Secretary Rubio has indicated are not to be trusted, especially when he is standing in Greece and reporters are asking about his ambassador.
🍰 DESSERT MENU
"The Sweet Taste of Impunity"
The Conflict-of-Interest Soufflé — Delicate, legally precarious, collapses under scrutiny but is usually gone before anyone notices.
The Emoluments Crème Brûlée — A foreign gift, torched with constitutional concern, but the hard shell of "unreviewable executive privilege" keeps it intact.
The Inspector General Sundae — Ordered by Democratic lawmakers. Never actually arrives. The waiter (Senate majority) keeps losing the ticket.
The MAGA Donor's Lament — A bitter digestif. You gave millions. You got a photo. The billionaires got the crypto access, the pardons, the ambassadorships, and the Boeing 747. You got a red hat. It's a very nice hat.
⚠️ TERMS, CONDITIONS & FINE PRINT
Please read before bribing.
The President is legally exempt from standard conflict-of-interest statutes. This is the administration's position. Ethics lawyers disagree. The ethics lawyers do not have a $400M jet.
All pardons are an unreviewable constitutional privilege. The fact that they correlate with seven-figure donations is, legally speaking, a coincidence. A very consistent coincidence.
Family business interests are managed independently by the President's adult children. Jared Kushner's $5 billion in sovereign wealth fund commitments were secured entirely on the merits of his extensive private equity experience, which began approximately when he married into the family.
Signal messages may be disputed. If you receive encrypted texts asking for money, the sender's legal team reserves the right to question their authenticity after the story breaks in the Wall Street Journal.
MAGA rank and file donors: You are valued. Your $50 monthly contribution is the foundation of this movement. The billionaires get the crypto tokens and the policy access. You get the rallies, the merchandise, and the satisfaction of knowing you're fighting the establishment, which is now the government, which is run by your team. It's complicated. Buy a hat.
The administration maintains no legal ethics violations have occurred. All policy decisions are driven purely by "America First" economic priorities, which, coincidentally, tend to benefit whoever donated most recently.
📰 EDITOR'S NOTE
This is satire — a pointed, documented, and frankly exhausted satire, built on a foundation of real congressional investigations, watchdog reports, Wall Street Journal reporting, and the publicly stated positions of the people involved. The prices are illustrative. The corruption allegations are, unfortunately, not.
The Kimberly Guilfoyle situation alone — a sitting U.S. Ambassador allegedly texting a donor on Signal asking him to wire $100,000 to her personal Amex to cover debt, offering Cabinet access in return, and then having her lawyer question the authenticity of the messages after the Wall Street Journal published them — is the kind of story that, if submitted as fiction, an editor would reject for being too on the nose.
Democracy à la carte. The menu writes itself.
🗽 The Official Corruption Menu™ is a satirical work of political commentary protected under the First Amendment — which, we are relieved to report, has not yet been rolled back, though we'd check the price list before assuming it's off the table.
