SUPREME POWER: THE VIDEO GAME
A Satirical Review of America's Most Unhinged Two-Player Campaign Mode
Rating: ★★★☆☆ — Wildly Unbalanced, Surprisingly Addictive, Ends Badly for Everyone
🕹️ LEVEL ONE: TWO PLAYERS INSERT QUARTERS
When the two oldest men ever to occupy the Oval Office sat down to play Supreme Power at the Supreme Court: Version 2.0, nobody expected it to be a fair game. The console itself was shaped like the Constitution — cracked in several places, suspiciously sticky, and missing the manual.
Player One, Joe Biden, shuffled to the controller with the quiet confidence of a man who had been told, repeatedly, that he was "sharp as a tack." He selected his character — a moderate centrist in aviator sunglasses — and began feeding legislation into the Roberts Court slot machine.
Half of it came back rejected.
Ding. Denied. Ding. Denied. Ding. Partially upheld pending further review in a jurisdiction yet to be determined.
Biden stared at the screen, mildly confused, and ordered a chocolate chocolate chip.
💰 LEVEL TWO: THE CHEAT CODE EXPANSION PACK
Meanwhile, Player Two — a large, orange-tinted character with gold-plated starting stats — had arrived at the console carrying something Biden did not have: a leather-bound book of cheat codes, personally sourced from one Elon Musk, available for the low, low price of several billion dollars in federal contracts and a seat at every table in Washington.
The book was titled: "So You Want to Be Emperor: Exploiting the Unitary Executive Theory for Fun and Profit."
Trump cracked his knuckles — a sound like a stock ticker — and entered the codes.
The screen exploded in gold confetti.
A booming announcer voice declared:
"CONGRATULATIONS. YOU HAVE UNLOCKED THE SUPREME UNITARY EXECUTIVE POWER. YOU MAY NOW LIE, CHEAT, AND STEAL — PROVIDED YOU FIRST DECLARE IT AN OFFICIAL PRESIDENTIAL Act. The Constitution is now a suggestion. The Bill of Rights has been moved to the gift shop."
Biden looked up from his ice cream. "Wait — can he do that?"
The Roberts Court shrugged in six-three unison.
👑 LEVEL THREE: EMPEROR MODE (OR KING — HE KEPT FORGETTING WHICH)
With total immunity equipped and checks-and-balances reduced to a decorative loading screen, Trump's character sprinted through Washington D.C. like a man who had just discovered that consequences were a Democrat hoax.
The Reflecting Pool — once a serene mirror of democratic ideals — turned a deep, suspicious green. Not emerald. Not forest. The specific green of a man who has confused net worth with self-worth.
The White House Oval Office filled, inexplicably, with golden tchotchkes — eagles, clocks, busts of himself, a commemorative plate, another bust of himself, a snow globe containing a miniature bust of himself.
Pennsylvania Avenue was gilded.
Not metaphorically. Gilded. With actual gold leaf. Applied at taxpayer expense. The pigeons were furious and frankly disoriented.
Meanwhile, Biden — having finally been eliminated by a Supreme Court power combo he never saw coming — quietly packed his things, patted the controller, and drove to Delaware, where he was last seen at a Baskin-Robbins, working his way through flavor number thirty-one with the peaceful serenity of a man who had done his best.
⚠️ LEVEL FOUR: THE MIDTERM TRAP (HIDDEN STAGE)
Here is what the cheat code book — for all its $40 billion in Musk-sourced wisdom — failed to mention:
Buried deep in the game's code, invisible to any player too busy gilding reflecting pools to read the patch notes, was a hidden level.
It appeared at polling places across the country.
It was called: The Midterm Trap.
No cheat code bypassed it. No immunity shield covered it. No official presidential declaration could declare it away. It was, in the parlance of game design, a feature, not a bug — placed there in 1788 by developers who had, it turns out, thought of quite a lot.
Trump's character — mid-grift, mid-gilt, mid-renaming-a-national-monument-after-himself — stepped directly on it.
The screen went white.
Then a pixelated bald eagle appeared, looked directly into the camera, and said nothing. It didn't need to.
"GAME OVER. ALL ILLICITLY ACQUIRED ASSETS HAVE BEEN RECLAIMED. YOUR HIGH SCORE HAS BEEN EXPUNGED. YOU ARE HEREBY BANNED FROM THIS GAME IN PERPETUITY. PLEASE COLLECT YOUR REMAINING TCHOTCHKES FROM THE LOST AND FOUND."
🏛️ EPILOGUE: THE CREDITS ROLL
The console cooled. The gold leaf peeled. The Reflecting Pool slowly, awkwardly, returned to its natural color.
Somewhere in Delaware, Biden finished his cone, started another, and smiled the smile of a man unbothered by history.
The Roberts Court issued a 47-page opinion explaining that the ending was, technically, constitutional — though three justices filed a dissent arguing the eagle had overstepped.
And Elon Musk, having already sold the cheat code book to three other interested parties, posted a single character on his social media platform:
"X"
Nobody was entirely sure what it meant.
Supreme Power at the Supreme Court: Version 2.0 is rated M for Mature — though the behavior depicted suggests the rating may be aspirational. A Version 3.0 is reportedly in development. The developers recommend reading the original source material: it's shorter than you think, and the ending is better.
🖊️ Satire. All characters are fictional exaggerations for comedic and political commentary purposes.
