TRUMP ISSUES GET-OUT-OF-JAIL-FREE CARDS (PARDONS) TO ENTIRE CABINET, REBRANDS GOVERNMENT DEPARTMENTS BECAUSE WHY NOT
TRUMP UNVEILS HISTORIC "MINISTRY OF MALEVOLENCE": A Cabinet for the Ages. "Very Fine People, And Some, I Assume, Are Good People Too," Says President
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a Rose Garden ceremony shrouded in ominous clouds and the faint smell of sulfur, President Donald J. Trump proudly introduced his reimagined Cabinet for his second term, complete with freshly rebranded department names that he insists "finally tell it like it is."
"We're done with the fake names, folks. The FAKE names," Trump declared to thunderous applause from a crowd of one. "We're calling things what they really are now. Transparency. Beautiful, perfect transparency."
THE CABINET OF CURIOSITIES
VICE PRESIDENT: J.D. "The Hillbilly Sellout" Vance
Office of the Understudy
Once wrote a book about forgotten Americans; now professionally forgets them for a living. Spends most Cabinet meetings nodding vigorously and practicing his tie-breaking vote signature. His main qualification: mastered the art of saying "Yes, sir" in 47 different inflections.
SECRETARY OF STATE: Marco "Little Marco (Still Little)" Rubio
Department of Diplomatic Disasters
Finally got the big boy job after years of trying! Now travels the world explaining why America's allies should actually be terrified of us. Signature achievement: making other countries nostalgic for the days when America just ignored them. Still drinks water funny.
SECRETARY OF THE TREASURY: Scott "The Foreclosure King" Bessent
Department of Billionaire Welfare
Tasked with making sure tax cuts trickle up efficiently. His economic plan: "What if we tried the same thing that's never worked, but like, MORE?" Currently working on a cryptocurrency called "TrumpCoin" that somehow loses value even when you don't buy it.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: Pete "The God of War (Who Never Actually Fought in a War)" Hegseth
Department of Eternal Conflict
Former Fox News host whose main military experience involves weekend paintball and yelling at the TV. Confirmed by a single vote after promising to make camouflage formal White House attire. His defense strategy: "What if we just acted really, really tough?" Currently investigating whether the Pentagon can be rebranded as "Trump Tower: Warfare Edition."
ATTORNEY GENERAL: Pam "The Loyalty Oath" Bondi
Department of Injustice
Where the "Just Us" in Justice really shines! Bondi's mission: prosecute enemies, pardon friends, and make sure the scales of justice are permanently tilted at a 45-degree angle. Her legal philosophy: "The law is whatever makes Trump happy today." Currently working on making "I plead the Fifth" the national motto.
SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR: Doug "Drill, Baby, Drill (Into Hell if Necessary)" Burgum
Department of Environmental Destruction
Believes national parks are just oil fields with better marketing. His vision: Mount Rushmore, but it's all Trump faces. Currently accepting bids to turn Yellowstone into a luxury golf resort. Old Faithful will be renamed "Trump Geyser: Always Erupting, Just Like the Boss."
SECRETARY OF AGRICULTURE: Brooke "Factory Farm Barbie" Rollins
Department of Corporate Corn
Ensuring that small family farms are efficiently replaced by massive agricultural conglomerates. Her slogan: "From Farm to Table to Monopoly!" Currently working on a bill to classify ketchup as a vegetable again, but this time for adults too.
SECRETARY OF COMMERCE: Howard "The Vulture" Lutnick
Department of Profit Over People
Wall Street's favorite ghoul, now with government power! His business model: if it makes money, it's moral. If it makes MORE money, it's patriotic. Currently exploring whether we can just sell Montana to the highest bidder.
SECRETARY OF LABOR: Lori "Union Buster Lite" Chavez-DeRemer
Department of Worker Suppression
In a shocking twist, actually has some union ties, making her the Cabinet's designated "moderate" (translation: will only crush 80% of worker protections instead of 100%). Her job: make sure "labor" remains theoretical rather than empowered.
SECRETARY OF HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES: Robert F. "Brain Worm" Kennedy Jr.
Department of Medical Misinformation
The man who makes your conspiracy theorist uncle look reasonable! RFK Jr. promises to make measles great again and ensure that every American has the freedom to die from preventable diseases. His health plan: crystals, bear meat, and vibes. Currently investigating whether vaccines cause adulthood.
SECRETARY OF HOUSING AND URBAN DEVELOPMENT: Scott "Gentrification Guru" Turner
Department of Homelessness Acceleration
Former NFL player now tackling affordable housing by making sure there isn't any. His strategy: if we make housing expensive enough, being homeless will seem like a lifestyle choice! Currently designing luxury condos for billionaires on former public housing sites.
SECRETARY OF TRANSPORTATION: Sean "The Road to Nowhere" Duffy
Department of Crumbling Infrastructure
Former reality TV star (because that's apparently the only qualification needed) now in charge of America's roads, bridges, and rails. His transportation plan: thoughts and prayers for your suspension system. Infrastructure week is finally here—it's just indefinitely postponed.
SECRETARY OF ENERGY: Chris "Frack the Planet" Wright
Department of Fossil Fuel Forever
Believes climate change is just the Earth getting a fever, and the cure is more oil! His energy policy: drill everywhere, burn everything, and make sure solar panels are classified as "communist technology." Currently working on extracting oil from the Constitution itself.
SECRETARY OF EDUCATION: Linda "The Stunner (of Child Development)" McMahon
Department of Ignorance Promotion
WWE executive body-slams public education into oblivion! Her education policy: replace textbooks with Trump tweets, make gym class mandatory, and ensure that critical thinking remains critically absent. School choice means choosing between bad and worse.
SECRETARY OF VETERANS AFFAIRS: Doug "Support the Troops (But Not Really)" Collins
Department of Veteran Neglect
Promises to honor veterans by continuing to underfund their healthcare while spending billions on military parades. His motto: "Thank you for your service, now please hold for the next available representative... indefinitely."
SECRETARY OF HOMELAND SECURITY: Kristi "The Puppy Punisher" Noem
Department of Fear and Trembling
Fresh off admitting she shot her own dog, Noem now oversees America's security with the same compassion. Her border policy: shoot first, ask questions never. Currently training TSA agents in "enhanced meanness techniques." Her campaign slogan for the department: "We'll treat you like family—HER family."
CABINET-LEVEL VILLAINS & HENCHPEOPLE
WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF: Susie "The Invisible Hand (of Chaos)" Wiles
Office of Controlled Chaos
The only person who can manage Trump's tantrums, mostly by agreeing with everything and hiding his phone. Rumored to communicate exclusively through sighs and eye rolls.
DIRECTOR OF NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE: Tulsi "The Turncoat" Gabbard
Department of Contradictory Intelligence
Former Democrat turned Trump devotee, proving that principles are negotiable! Her intelligence briefings are just Russian state media with American flags Photoshopped in. Currently investigating whether she can investigate herself.
DIRECTOR OF THE CIA: John "The Ratcatcher" Ratcliffe
Central Incompetence Agency
His qualification: absolute loyalty to Trump, which apparently matters more than knowing where countries are. His CIA stands for "Constantly Ignoring Actual-threats." Currently working on a covert operation to find Obama's "real" birth certificate.
ADMINISTRATOR OF THE EPA: Lee "The Pollution Promoter" Zeldin
Environmental Destruction Agency
Believes the "P" in EPA stands for "Profit." His environmental policy: if you can't see the smog through the smog, there's no problem! Currently reclassifying toxic waste as "freedom molecules."
DIRECTOR OF THE OMB: Russell "The Budget Butcher" Vought
Office of Malicious Budgeting
Believes government spending is evil unless it's on Trump properties. His budget strategy: cut everything that helps people, increase everything that hurts them. Currently working on a line item called "Miscellaneous Corruption: $4 Trillion."
U.S. TRADE REPRESENTATIVE: Jamieson "The Tariff Terrorist" Greer
Department of Trade Wars We're Definitely Winning (We're Not)
Believes tariffs are magic spells that make other countries pay us. Spoiler: they don't. His trade policy: alienate allies, empower adversaries, confuse everyone. Currently in a trade war with Canada over maple syrup "dumping."
AMBASSADOR TO THE UNITED NATIONS: Michael "The UN-Ambassador" Waltz
Office of International Embarrassment
His job: make sure the rest of the world knows America doesn't care what they think. Spends most UN sessions walking out dramatically. Currently trying to get the UN to relocate to Mar-a-Lago.
ADMINISTRATOR OF THE SMALL BUSINESS ADMINISTRATION: Kelly "The Insider Trader" Loeffler
Department of Small Business Crushing
Billionaire tasked with helping small businesses, which is like hiring a shark to teach swimming safety. Her small business policy: they should try being born rich. Currently investigating whether "small business" can be redefined as "any business worth less than $100 million."
DIRECTOR OF THE FBI: Kash "The Purge" Patel
Federal Bureau of Intimidation
Trump's personal loyalty enforcer now runs America's premier law enforcement agency! His FBI priorities: investigate Trump's enemies, protect Trump's friends, and make sure the "I" in FBI stands for "Intimidation." Currently compiling an enemies list that's just the phone book with Trump's friends crossed out.
SPECIAL ADVISOR: Stephen "Dracula" Miller
Office of Cruelty Coordination
The pale prince of darkness himself, Miller emerges from his coffin daily to devise new ways to make immigration more nightmarish. His policy philosophy: "What if we made the Statue of Liberty cry?" Currently working on a moat filled with alligators for the border (he's only half-joking).
IN CONCLUSION
"These are very fine people," Trump insisted, gesturing to his Cabinet as several members fought over the last Diet Coke. "And some, I assume, are good people too. But mostly fine. The finest. People are saying these might be the finest people ever assembled, maybe in history. Probably in history."
When asked if he had any concerns about potential conflicts of interest, corruption, or basic competence, Trump replied: "No."
The Cabinet then adjourned to discuss their first order of business: renaming the Washington Monument to "Trump Monument (Washington Was Here Too, I Guess)."
God help us all.
DISCLAIMER: This is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual competent governance is purely coincidental and probably accidental.
