TRUMP MAKE AMERICA WEIRD AGAIN: A WEEK SO ABSURD, SATIRE FILED FOR UNEMPLOYMENT
Featuring: Ill-fitting footwear, well-executed war crimes, and zero self-awareness
WASHINGTON — In a city that once prided itself on dignified incompetence, March 2026 has delivered a masterclass in what historians will surely call "advanced absurdism." While most administrations juggle crises with at least a veneer of gravitas, the Trump White House has decided to throw the playbook out the window and replace it with a QVC catalog, a PlayStation controller, and what appears to be a dartboard for policy decisions.
Welcome to a week where shoes became a loyalty test, war became content, and the phrase "let's make a deal" took on terrifyingly literal dimensions.
THE CABINET CLUB: WHEN FOOTWEAR BECOMES FOREIGN POLICY
Let's start with the story that has Washington's political class staring at their own feet in existential dread: President Trump has apparently appointed himself the Tim Gunn of Pennsylvania Avenue, conducting impromptu fashion interventions during national security briefings.
The ritual is now well-documented: Mid-discussion about, say, nuclear proliferation, the President's gaze drifts downward. His face contorts. "Those shoes are shity," he announces, with the confidence of a man who has never been told "no" by a mirror. He then guesses the offending advisor's shoe size—because apparently measuring is for people who believe in science—and orders them a pair of $145 Florsheim dress shoes from a catalog he keeps in the Resolute Desk.
The result? A Cabinet that looks increasingly like a corporate team-building exercise gone wrong. VP JD Vance, Marco Rubio, Pete Hegseth, and Howard Lutnick now shuffle through the West Wing in matching footwear, their individuality literally stripped from the ankles down.
The pièce de résistance? Photos of Secretary of State Marco Rubio—a man tasked with representing American interests abroad—clomping around in shoes approximately three sizes too large, heels gaping like the credibility gap of this entire administration. One diplomatic correspondent described it as "watching a toddler play dress-up in his father's closet, except the toddler controls nuclear codes."
The delicious irony? Florsheim's parent company, Weyco Group, is currently suing the U.S. government over Trump's own tariffs, since these patriotic shoes are manufactured in—wait for it—China. Nothing says "America First" quite like forcing your Cabinet to wear Chinese-made shoes while fighting a trade war. Chef's kiss.
OPERATION EPIC FURY: CALL OF DUTY MEETS CRIMES AGAINST GOOD TASTE
If the shoe situation represents the administration's domestic weirdness, the Iran conflict has become its international cringe factory.
Somewhere in the White House communications bunker, a 23-year-old intern with a gaming addiction and zero understanding of the Geneva Conventions has been given the keys to America's military social media presence. The result is "Operation Epic Fury"—a name that sounds like it was focus-grouped among energy drink enthusiasts—promoted through videos that make Top Gun: Maverick look like a Ken Burns documentary.
Official White House accounts are now posting:
- "Kill score" graphics lifted directly from Call of Duty, with point values popping up over real explosions that killed real people
- SpongeBob SquarePants memes (specifically the "Wanna see me do it again?" clip) juxtaposed with footage of missile strikes
- Montages set to aggressive rap and movie soundtracks, because nothing says "solemn military operation" like Kendrick Lamar and Hans Zimmer having a baby over footage of infrastructure destruction
Veterans groups are apoplectic. International law experts are speechless. TikTok, however, is thriving.
In a mid-March interview, Trump casually suggested the U.S. might strike Iran's Kharg Island oil terminal "a few more times just for fun"—a comment that sent oil prices soaring, global markets into panic, and State Department officials diving for their resignation letters.
When asked about civilian casualties, sources say Trump responded: "Have you seen the engagement numbers? Incredible. Best military content ever."
LET'S MAKE A DEAL: JARED AND STEVE'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE
Meanwhile, in what can only be described as "shadow government meets game show," Jared Kushner and Steve Bannon have reportedly been conducting freelance diplomacy with all the oversight of a lemonade stand.
The duo—one a real estate heir who thinks peace is a PowerPoint presentation, the other a man who looks like he sleeps in a filing cabinet—have been jetting around making "deals" with the blessing of a President who apparently believes foreign policy works like The Apprentice.
Details are murky, but sources suggest these "negotiations" involve:
- Vague promises about infrastructure
- Cryptocurrency schemes that may or may not be legal
- At least one proposal to turn a disputed territory into a luxury resort
When questioned about oversight, a White House spokesperson said, "The President trusts them completely," which is exactly what you want to hear about unelected officials conducting international relations.
THE "SAVE AMERICA ACT" ULTIMATUM: LEGISLATION BY TANTRUM
Not to be outdone by external chaos, Trump has issued an ultimatum to Congressional Republicans: pass his "Save America Act"—a sprawling, barely coherent omnibus bill—or face his wrath in primary challenges.
The bill reportedly includes:
- Tax cuts for the wealthy (naturally)
- Funding for "the big, beautiful wall" (still)
- A provision requiring all federal buildings to display Trump's portrait
- Something about cryptocurrency that even crypto bros don't understand
- And, buried on page 847, what appears to be a personal tax exemption for the Trump Organization
Republicans are torn between their survival instincts and their last remaining shreds of dignity. Spoiler alert: dignity is losing.
CONTROVERSY OVER MILITARY RITES: WHEN PHOTO OPS GO WRONG
In a week already overflowing with tone-deaf moments, the administration managed to spark outrage over military funeral protocols. Reports suggest Trump attempted to turn a solemn ceremony for fallen service members into what witnesses described as "a campaign rally with a coffin."
The President allegedly:
- Arrived 45 minutes late
- Spent the ceremony checking his phone
- Posed for photos giving a thumbs-up next to grieving families
- Mentioned his poll numbers three times during brief remarks
Gold Star families are furious. Military leadership is quietly seething. And somewhere, a White House scheduler is updating their résumé.
Adding to the military-themed chaos, Trump posted a throwback photo of himself at New York Military Academy with the caption "At Military. High rank!"—a claim that sent fact-checkers into overdrive and meme creators into ecstasy. (Spoiler: He was a cadet. Not quite Joint Chiefs material.)
PUSH ON HAITIAN TPS: CRUELTY AS POLICY
Amidst the circus, the administration has quietly moved to terminate Temporary Protected Status for Haitian immigrants—a policy shift affecting thousands of people who fled natural disasters and political instability.
The move has been condemned by humanitarian groups, but in a week featuring shoe obsessions and war memes, it's barely making headlines. Which might be the point.
WHITE HOUSE "COLLEGE SPORTS SUMMIT": PRIORITIES, PRIORITIES
While global markets teeter and international crises multiply, the White House hosted a "College Sports Summit"—because apparently March Madness requires presidential intervention.
The event featured:
- Trump rambling about his bracket predictions
- Multiple sports metaphors applied to military strategy
- A lengthy digression about a referee who "treated him very unfairly" in the 1980s
- Zero discussion of actual policy
One attendee described it as "like being trapped in a sports bar with your uncle who won't stop talking, except the uncle has the nuclear codes."
CAMPAIGNING AGAINST "NUTJOB" REPUBLICANS: THE CIRCULAR FIRING SQUAD
Finally, in a move that would make Machiavelli say "dude, chill," Trump has begun actively campaigning against Republican incumbents he's deemed insufficiently loyal, calling them "nutjobs," "RINOs," and in one memorable instance, "that guy with the stupid face."
The targets? Republicans who committed such cardinal sins as:
- Voting their conscience once
- Expressing mild concern about constitutional norms
- Not wearing their Florsheim shoes with sufficient enthusiasm
The GOP, already a party eating itself like a ouroboros with indigestion, is now fully engaged in civil war. Democrats are watching with popcorn. Independents are updating their passports.
WOMEN'S HISTORY MONTH: A PARTICIPATION TROPHY FOR TRUMP
And because no week of Trump chaos would be complete without weaponized irony, a Women's History Month event—designed to honor female achievement—reportedly concluded with a medal being presented to... Donald Trump.
For what, you ask? Sources are unclear. Possible reasons include:
- "Supporting women" (citation needed)
- "Being related to women" (technically true)
- "Showing up" (the bar is in hell)
The women actually being honored were given approximately 30 seconds each. Trump spoke for 40 minutes, mostly about himself.
CONCLUSION: WELCOME TO THE TIMELINE NOBODY ORDERED
So here we are, America: a nation where the President plays shoe fairy to his Cabinet, war is content, diplomacy is outsourced to a son-in-law and a guy who looks like he's decomposing in real-time, and Women's History Month celebrates... men.
Weirdness in Trump World is nothing new. But this week has been a master class in how to turn governance into performance art—bad performance art, the kind where you're not sure if you're supposed to clap or call for help.
As one exhausted Hill staffer told me: "I used to think 'unprecedented times' was hyperbole. Now I think it's a threat."
The shoes, at least, are sensibly priced.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go stare at my own footwear and contemplate the fragility of democracy.
Big Education Ape is a political correspondent who has covered Washington for over 50 years and is seriously considering a career change to lighthouse keeping.
Big Education Ape: THE TOP NEWS STORIES THIS WEEK 3-8-26 TO 3-14-26 https://bigeducationape.blogspot.com/2026/03/the-top-news-stories-this-week-3-8-26.html
