HI HO, HI HO, IT’S OFF TO WAR WE GO
TRUMP’S TROPICAL TANGO FOR VENEZUELAN BLACK GOLD
THE DONROE DOCTRINE AND AMERICA'S GREATEST COMEBACK TOUR
Washington, D.C. — In a stunning display of early 20th-century nostalgia, the Trump administration has announced that "Making America Great Again" apparently means rewinding the clock to 1904, when gunboats were the preferred method of international diplomacy and "regime change" was just called "Tuesday."
Move over, Monroe Doctrine. There's a new sheriff in the Western Hemisphere, and his name rhymes with "Blonde Roe." Welcome to the Donroe Doctrine, where the Caribbean is once again America's private swimming pool, and Venezuela's oil reserves are just "misplaced American property."
THE BANANA WARS: RELOADED
Historians had foolishly believed that the era of "Banana Wars" ended in 1934, when the U.S. finally stopped occupying Haiti after a casual 19-year stay. But as it turns out, we were just on a really long coffee break.
"Why should China, Russia, and Iran get to have all the fun meddling in other countries?" asked one anonymous State Department official, presumably while polishing a vintage 1916 Marine Corps saber. "We invented regime change in this hemisphere. It's basically our intellectual property."
The new strategy is refreshingly straightforward: Venezuela has oil. We want oil. They won't give us oil. Therefore, they are a "narcoterrorist state" that requires immediate freedom delivery via aircraft carrier.
LITTLE MARCO'S BIG MOMENT
Secretary of State Marco Rubio—affectionately known as "Little Marco" by his boss, who definitely respects him—gets the added bonus of finally cutting off Cuba's Venezuelan oil supply. It's like Christmas morning for Miami hardliners, except instead of presents under the tree, there's a naval blockade in the Caribbean.
"This has nothing to do with the fact that my entire political career has been built on promising Cuban-American voters I'd be tough on Castro's ghost," Rubio didn't say, but probably thought really loudly.
The timing is impeccable. Legal efforts to seize Venezuelan assets through boring methods like "international arbitration" and "court proceedings" have been dragging on for 18 years. ExxonMobil and ConocoPhillips have been waiting since 2007 to collect their $13 billion in judgments. Apparently, the solution to slow-moving litigation is to simply park the USS Gerald R. Ford off the coast and ask really nicely for the money back.
THE NARCOTERRORIST EXCUSE-O-MATIC™
Every good intervention needs a catchy justification, and "narcoterrorism" is the gift that keeps on giving. Sure, Venezuela is facing a humanitarian catastrophe with 7.7 million refugees, hyperinflation, and widespread starvation—but have you considered that Nicolás Maduro is also involved in drug trafficking?
Never mind that the U.S. has been perfectly happy to work with drug-trafficking regimes when convenient (see: the entire history of U.S.-Latin American relations). This time it's different because... well, because they said so.
The "Cartel of the Suns"—a nickname for corrupt Venezuelan military officials—sounds like a rejected Marvel villain team, but it's apparently sufficient justification for designating an entire government as a "foreign terrorist organization." By this logic, we should probably invade half the countries we currently consider allies, but let's not overthink it.
BIG OIL'S GREATEST HITS ALBUM
Speaking of not overthinking things, let's talk about the elephant in the room—or rather, the oil derrick in the Caribbean.
Venezuela has the world's largest proven oil reserves. American oil companies used to own significant stakes in those reserves. Then Hugo Chávez had the audacity to nationalize them in 2007, compensating foreign companies but insisting on majority Venezuelan ownership. The nerve.
ExxonMobil and ConocoPhillips have been fighting in international courts ever since, racking up arbitration awards that now total over $13 billion with interest. But here's the problem with international law: it's slow, it's boring, and it doesn't involve nearly enough aircraft carriers.
Enter the Donroe Doctrine, which updates the Roosevelt Corollary with a simple addendum: "If you owe American oil companies money, we reserve the right to park a naval armada outside your territorial waters until you pay up. Also, we might just take the oil. We haven't decided yet."
THE CITGO FIRE SALE
In a delicious irony, while the U.S. Navy is blockading Venezuelan oil exports, American courts are simultaneously auctioning off Citgo—Venezuela's crown jewel U.S. refinery—for $5.9 billion, roughly half its actual value.
The winning bidder? Amber Energy, an affiliate of Elliott Investment Management, a private equity firm affectionately known as a "vulture fund" for its habit of picking the bones of distressed assets.
Several creditors are screaming that the auction was rigged, the price is too low, and the whole process reeks of conflicts of interest. But Judge Leonard Stark has already approved the sale, presumably while humming "God Bless America" and not making eye contact with anyone from Gold Reserve Inc., whose $1.1 billion claim might not get paid because the bid came in too low.
It's the legal equivalent of a fire sale, except the fire was started by U.S. sanctions, and the firefighters are also the ones buying the property.
THE CHEVRON EXCEPTION: WHEN HYPOCRISY BECOMES POLICY
Here's where it gets truly beautiful: While the U.S. Navy is seizing "dark fleet" tankers and Trump is demanding Venezuela "return" oil rights to America, Chevron is still operating in Venezuela, loading 150,000-200,000 barrels per day and shipping it directly to U.S. refineries.
How? A special Treasury Department license that allows Chevron to take oil as payment for debts Venezuela owes them, while ensuring "not a single dollar reaches the Maduro regime."
So to recap: Venezuela's oil belongs to America (according to Trump), but also Venezuela can't sell oil to anyone (according to the blockade), except Chevron can take oil (according to the license), but that's totally different because reasons.
It's Schrödinger's oil policy: simultaneously stolen, sanctioned, and actively being imported.
THE CYBERATTACK PLOT TWIST
Just when you thought this geopolitical telenovela couldn't get more dramatic, a mysterious cyberattack on December 13, 2025, crippled PDVSA's computer systems, forcing port workers to track oil shipments on paper like it's 1925.
Venezuela immediately blamed the U.S. The U.S. said nothing, which in diplomatic terms is basically a wink and a nudge. Meanwhile, tankers are turning around mid-voyage because the Jose Terminal is now operating at the speed of a DMV on a Monday morning.
It's almost like someone wanted to make sure Venezuela couldn't export oil even if they tried. But that would be crazy, right?
TRINIDAD GETS THROWN UNDER THE BUS
In a fit of pique, Maduro suspended gas agreements with Trinidad and Tobago, accusing them of turning their island into a "U.S. aircraft carrier." This is particularly unfortunate for Trinidad, whose economy desperately needs that Venezuelan gas, but also hilarious because Trinidad's Prime Minister probably didn't expect to get dragged into a 21st-century gunboat diplomacy revival.
"We just wanted some natural gas," Trinidad presumably muttered while watching U.S. destroyers dock in their harbors. "How did we end up in the middle of this?"
THE MONROE DOCTRINE'S GREATEST COMEBACK
The original Monroe Doctrine (1823) told European powers to stay out of the Western Hemisphere. The Roosevelt Corollary (1904) added that the U.S. could intervene anywhere in Latin America to maintain "stability"—which coincidentally always seemed to benefit American business interests.
The Donroe Doctrine (2025) streamlines the whole process: "It's our hemisphere. We want the oil. Any questions?"
Between 1900 and 1934, the U.S. occupied Haiti for 19 years, the Dominican Republic for 8 years, Nicaragua for 21 years, and invaded Mexico twice. We called it the "Banana Wars" because it sounded better than "Corporate Profit Protection Expeditions."
Now we're bringing it back, except instead of protecting the United Fruit Company, we're protecting ExxonMobil. Progress!
THE LEGAL FICTION
The truly impressive part is maintaining the fiction that this is all about "democracy" and "human rights."
Yes, Maduro is an authoritarian who has destroyed Venezuela's economy, rigged elections, and driven millions into exile. These are all true and terrible things.
But let's be honest: if Maduro were a pro-American authoritarian sitting on the world's largest oil reserves, we'd be calling him a "strategic partner" and selling him weapons. See: the entire history of U.S. relations with Saudi Arabia, Egypt, and dozens of other non-democratic regimes.
The problem isn't that Maduro is a dictator. The problem is he's a dictator who nationalized American oil assets and won't pay the bill.
THE ENDGAME
So what's the actual plan here? Regime change, obviously. But how?
Option A: The naval blockade starves the regime of revenue until it collapses. Downside: It also starves the Venezuelan people, who are already experiencing a humanitarian catastrophe.
Option B: Direct military intervention. Downside: Iraq and Afghanistan suggest this might not go as smoothly as PowerPoint presentations indicate.
Option C: Wait for the regime to implode on its own while maintaining maximum pressure. Downside: We've been trying this since 2017 and Maduro is still there.
Option D: Negotiate a settlement where Venezuela pays the arbitration awards in exchange for sanctions relief. Downside: This is boring, doesn't involve gunboats, and doesn't satisfy the "Make America Great Again" aesthetic.
Clearly, Option D is off the table.
CONCLUSION: HISTORY DOESN'T REPEAT, BUT IT SURE DOES RHYME
As the USS Gerald R. Ford steams through the Caribbean, as Chevron loads tankers under special license, as ExxonMobil and ConocoPhillips wait for their billions, and as Marco Rubio dreams of cutting off Cuba's oil supply, one thing is clear:
We've seen this movie before. In 1903 (Panama), 1914 (Mexico), 1954 (Guatemala), 1961 (Cuba), 1973 (Chile), 1983 (Grenada), and 1989 (Panama again, because apparently once wasn't enough).
The names change. The justifications evolve. But the pattern remains: American interests in Latin America, a government that won't cooperate, and a sudden discovery that military intervention is the only solution.
The Donroe Doctrine isn't new. It's just honest.
So hi ho, hi ho, it's off to war we go—or at least to a "maximum pressure campaign with significant naval assets deployed for regional stability operations."
Because if there's one thing we've learned from 125 years of intervention in Latin America, it's that this time will definitely be different.
Right?
EDITOR'S NOTE: At press time, the Trump administration announced it was also considering "liberating" Greenland's rare earth minerals and "protecting" the Panama Canal from "Chinese influence." The Donroe Doctrine apparently has a very expansive definition of "hemisphere."
HI HO, HI HO (IT'S OFF TO WAR WE GO)
A Parody
(To be sung to a tune that definitely doesn't belong to any mouse-related entertainment corporation)
VERSE 1: Hi ho, hi ho It's off to war we go With gunboats bright and missiles tight Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho, hi ho
We'll seize the oil, we'll take the spoils Hi ho, hi ho
VERSE 2: Hi ho, hi ho To Venezuela we go We'll blockade ports and file reports Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho, hi ho
For ExxonMobil's toil, we'll grab that oil Hi ho, hi ho
VERSE 3: Hi ho, hi ho The Donroe Doctrine's go With regime change planned across the land Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho, hi ho
Little Marco smiles for miles and miles Hi ho, hi ho
VERSE 4: Hi ho, hi ho It's 1904, you know We're bringing back the good old days Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho, hi ho
Banana Wars redux, for Big Oil bucks Hi ho, hi ho
VERSE 5: Hi ho, hi ho The aircraft carriers flow Through Caribbean seas with such great ease Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho, hi ho
We'll call it "freedom's fight" to seize what's right Hi ho, hi ho
VERSE 6: Hi ho, hi ho Maduro's got to go He's narco-this and terror-that Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho, hi ho
(But really it's the oil beneath the soil) Hi ho, hi ho
VERSE 7: Hi ho, hi ho The arbitration's slow So park a fleet upon their street Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho, hi ho
Thirteen billion's owed, let's hit the road! Hi ho, hi ho
VERSE 8: Hi ho, hi ho While Chevron's in the flow They load their ships with special permits Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho, hi ho
Rules for thee, not Chevron's spree Hi ho, hi ho
FINAL VERSE: Hi ho, hi ho It's off to war we go We've done this dance in every land Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho, hi ho
From 1900 to today, hooray! Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho, hi ho Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho, hi ho Hi hooooooo!
ALTERNATE ENDING (Cynical Version):
(Tempo slows, becomes ominous)
Hi ho... hi ho... Where will we next go? When Venezuela's done, we'll find someone Hi ho... hi ho... hi ho... hi ho...
The hemisphere's our own, it's always known Hi ho... hi ho...
(Whispered) Hi ho...
CURTAIN
