IT'S EASIER TO CATCH A UNICORN THAN TAX A BILLIONAIRE IN AMERICA

A FIELD GUIDE TO THE WORLD'S MOST ELUSIVE CREATURE: THE TAXABLE BILLIONAIRE

Listen, I've got some bad news for the IRS: unicorns are real, and they're probably easier to wrangle than a billionaire's tax return.

You know that old expression "take the money and run"? Well, it turns out that's not just a Steve Miller Band classic—it's the official financial strategy of America's ultra-wealthy. And in 2026, it's working better than ever.

The Holy Trinity of Tax Avoidance: Buy, Borrow, Die

Forget the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. The real trinity that billionaires worship goes like this: Buy, Borrow, Die. It's elegant. It's legal. And it's absolutely infuriating if you're someone who actually pays taxes on your income—you know, like a sucker with a W-2.

Here's the playbook that lets billionaires live like kings while reporting taxable income that would make a substitute teacher say, "Hey, we're basically the same!"

Step 1: BUY — Accumulate assets that grow in value but don't pay cash. Mark Zuckerberg doesn't need a salary when his Meta stock is busy compounding like a Chia Pet on steroids. No cash = no income tax. Brilliant.

Step 2: BORROW — Need $100 million for a new yacht? A private island? A solid gold statue of yourself riding a dolphin? Don't sell your stock (that would trigger those pesky capital gains taxes). Instead, waltz into Goldman Sachs and take out a Securities-Based Line of Credit. Boom—$100 million in cash, zero dollars in taxes. Why? Because in America, loans aren't considered income. It's not a loophole; it's a feature.

Step 3: DIE — And here's where it gets truly perfect. When you die, your heirs get a "step-up in basis." Translation: if Elon bought Tesla stock at $1 and dies when it's worth $200, his heirs inherit it as if they bought it for $200. They sell just enough to pay off all those loans from Step 2, and because of the step-up, they owe exactly zero in capital gains tax. The IRS gets nothing. The dynasty rolls on. Cue the confetti made of shredded tax forms.

The Math That Makes Teachers Weep

Let's talk numbers, because the gap between what you pay and what they pay isn't a gap—it's the Grand Canyon wearing a tuxedo.

Say a billionaire needs $100 million in spending money. If they sell stock in California, they're looking at:

Federal tax: $34.6 million (23.8%)
California state tax: $19.4 million (13.3%)
Total cost: $54 million

Or... they could just borrow it:

Tax bill: $0
Interest over 10 years: ~$65 million

"Wait," you say, "that's MORE expensive!"

Ah, but here's the kicker: by borrowing instead of selling, they keep the $145 million in stock. If that stock grows at a modest 10% annually, in 10 years it's worth $376 million.

Net result: They spent $100 million, paid $65 million in interest, but their stock grew by $231 million. That's a profit of $166 million just for not paying taxes.

Meanwhile, you're clipping coupons and wondering if you can write off your Netflix subscription as a "home office expense."

When Billionaires Run the Government (Spoiler: They Do)

Here's the thing about letting billionaires purchase politicians like they're collecting Pokémon cards: you end up with a tax system designed by billionaires, for billionaires.

The One Big Beautiful Bill Act (OBBBA) passed in 2025 is Exhibit A. It made "100% bonus depreciation" permanent, which is fancy talk for "corporations can write off their entire capital spending in Year One."

The result?

Tesla: $5.7 billion in U.S. profit, $0 in federal taxes
Amazon: $89.5 billion in U.S. profit, $1.2 billion in federal taxes (a 1.3% rate)
Your local teacher: $50,000 salary, pays more in federal taxes than Tesla

Tesla and Amazon aren't breaking the law. They're just playing a game where they wrote the rules, hired the referees, and own the stadium.

The Great California Exodus: Take the Money and RUN (Literally)

California tried to fight back with a proposed 5% wealth tax on billionaires. The response? A billionaire exodus that makes the Gold Rush look like a slow Tuesday.

Larry Page and Sergey Brin? Moved their assets to Nevada and Delaware. Why? Because if you're Mark Zuckerberg with a $200 billion fortune, a 5% California wealth tax means a $10 billion bill—more than Meta has paid in U.S. federal taxes in years.

So they just... leave. Florida. Nevada. Singapore. Wherever the tax man isn't.

The billionaire motto: "You can't tax what you can't catch."

Where the Money Actually Goes (Hint: Not Here)

While paying near-zero U.S. taxes, the Big Four—Gates, Bezos, Musk, and Zuckerberg—are busy building empires overseas:

Bill Gates: Owns 71.25% of Four Seasons Hotels (126 properties in 47 countries), massive stakes in Canadian railways, and Mexican Coca-Cola bottlers.

Jeff Bezos: Pouring $15 billion into "Sovereign Cloud" data centers in Germany, India, and Japan. He's not just rich—he's building the digital infrastructure of other nations.

Elon Musk: Gigafactories in China, Germany, and Mexico. He doesn't just invest in countries; he owns physical chunks of them.

Mark Zuckerberg: Through Meta, he owns a piece of India's digital identity (400 million+ users via Reliance Jio) and is building AI hubs in Paris.

Oh, and they pay billions in taxes to foreign governments—China, the EU—because those countries actually enforce their tax laws. Imagine that.

The Margin Call: The Only Thing Billionaires Fear

There's one scenario where this whole house of cards collapses: the margin call.

If the stock market crashes 30-50%, banks demand more collateral. If the billionaire can't provide it, the bank force-sells their stock at the worst possible time, triggering the massive tax bill they spent their entire life avoiding.

It's the financial equivalent of a vampire finally seeing sunlight.

But let's be real: the government will probably bail out the banks before that happens. Again.

So What Are We Going to Do About It?

Here's the uncomfortable truth: this system isn't broken. It's working exactly as designed—by billionaires who bought the politicians who wrote the laws.

But it doesn't have to stay this way.

Push for a fair tax system. Demand a billionaire tax. Show up.

The No Kings Coalition is mobilizing on March 28, 2026. It's time to remind our government that we don't do royalty in America—financial or otherwise.

Find events near you at nokings.org and learn how to safely participate at nokings.org/kyr.

Remember: nonviolent action, de-escalation, and constitutional rights are our principles and our power.

Because right now, catching a unicorn seems more likely than getting a billionaire to pay their fair share. But unicorns aren't real.

Billionaires are.

And it's time they started acting like citizens instead of kings.

#NoKingsProtest #NoKingsMar28 #NoKingsInAmerica #NoKings

The author pays more in federal taxes than Tesla. So do you. Let that sink in.

The No Kings Coalition's next major mobilization is March 28, 2026. Find events near you and learn how to safely participate at nokings.org. Remember: nonviolent action, de-escalation, and constitutional rights are our principles and our power.

Don’t miss the #NoKings Kick-off call on March 19th. Hear directly from movement leaders, organizers on the ground, and special guests as we discuss the vision, urgency, & moral imperative behind this national day of nonviolent action.

No Kings 3 Kickoff Call

No Kings https://www.mobilize.us/nokings/event/916978/