"ALL THE PRESIDENT'S TECHBROS"
THE EPSTEIN TAPES
(NOT QUITE WATERGATE)
ACT I: THE BREAK-IN
Fox News Headquarters, 3:47 AM
Two shadowy figures lurk in the basement parking garage. A lone fluorescent light flickers overhead. One figure—let's call him WOODSTEIN—nervously adjusts his MAGA cap while checking his phone.
WOODSTEIN: The source said to meet here. Code name: "Deep Throat 2.0—Now With More Conspiracy!"
BERNWARD: (checking his Truth Social notifications) This better be good. I had to miss Tucker's rerun marathon for this.
A figure emerges from the shadows, wearing an oversized trench coat and what appears to be a Guy Fawkes mask ordered from Temu.
DEEP THROAT 2.0: Follow the crypto. Follow the blockchain. Follow the... (checks notes scribbled on hand) ...the Epstein emails.
BERNWARD: The Epstein emails? But he's been dead for—
DEEP THROAT 2.0: Allegedly dead. (dramatic pause) Have you ever asked yourself: What if the real conspiracy... is that there's no conspiracy?
WOODSTEIN: (furiously taking notes) This is Pulitzer material. No—Nobel Prize material!
ACT II: THE TECHBROS (aka "The Plumbers")
Undisclosed Location—Definitely Not a Renovated WeWork Space
A group of hooded figures sit around a conference table with RGB lighting. Each wears a black turtleneck. One is vaping. They are THE TECHBROS.
TECHBRO #1 (Elon Musk ): Gentlemen, we have a problem. The Epstein emails have leaked.
TECHBRO #2 (Peter Thiel ): This is worse than when my blood boy got a cold. We need to plug this leak immediately.
TECHBRO #3 (Mark Zuckerberg ): I can suppress it on all platforms. Just give me 24 hours and a Senate hearing where I pretend not to understand how the internet works.
TECHBRO #1: No. We need something more... permanent. Get me Steve Abanadon.
Thunder crashes. A figure emerges from the shadows wearing cargo shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, and an expression of barely contained chaos.
STEVE ABANADON: You rang? I was just in the middle of overthrowing a small European democracy, but I can multitask.
TECHBRO #1: We need you to... handle... a situation at the Metropolitan Correctional Center.
ABANADON: Say no more. I've got a guy who knows a guy who knows a camera operator who's really bad at his job.
ACT III: THE INVESTIGATION
Fox News Newsroom—Woodstein and Bernward's Desk (Covered in Red String and Grainy Photos)
BERNWARD: (on phone) Yes, hello, Washington Post? We have a story about the Epstein emails and a conspiracy that goes all the way to— (pause) Hello? Hello?
WOODSTEIN: They hung up again?
BERNWARD: Fifth time today. They said, and I quote, "We're busy covering a very important story about Trump's Diet Coke consumption."
WOODSTEIN: What about the New York Times?
BERNWARD: They said it "lacks the gravitas of our 47-part series on why avocado toast is destroying democracy."
WOODSTEIN: (slams fist on desk) Don't they understand? We have PROOF! We have screenshots! We have a guy on 4chan who says his cousin's roommate's dog walker saw something!
BERNWARD: We need to go higher. We need to go to the Attorney General.
ACT IV: THE ATTORNEY GENERAL
Office of Attorney General Pam Bondi—Decorated Entirely in Leopard Print
PAM BONDI: (filing her nails) Gentlemen, I'm very busy. I have a manicure in 20 minutes and then I'm judging a swimsuit competition at Mar-a-Lago.
WOODSTEIN: Madame Attorney General, we have evidence of a vast conspiracy involving—
BONDI: (not looking up) Let me stop you right there. Did the President do it?
BERNWARD: Well, we have circumstantial evidence that suggests—
BONDI: Circumstantial? Honey, in this administration, we don't even acknowledge direct evidence. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go on Newsmax and explain why investigating the President would be unconstitutional, un-American, and bad for my spray tan.
WOODSTEIN: But the Epstein emails! The prison cameras! Steve Abanadon!
BONDI: (finally looking up) Steve who? Never heard of him. (to assistant) Make a note: never heard of him.
ASSISTANT: You literally appointed him to three different positions last week.
BONDI: (louder) NEVER. HEARD. OF. HIM.
ACT V: THE PRESS CONFERENCE
Fox News Prime Time—Sean Hannity's Show
HANNITY: Tonight, we have an EXPLOSIVE exclusive. Our own investigative reporters Woodstein and Bernward have uncovered what may be the biggest scandal since... well, since the last biggest scandal we reported on yesterday. Gentlemen?
WOODSTEIN: Sean, what we've discovered will shock the nation. The Epstein emails reveal a network of—
HANNITY: (interrupting) But first, let me ask you this: Isn't it true that Hillary Clinton also knew Jeffrey Epstein?
BERNWARD: Well, yes, but that's not really relevant to—
HANNITY: And Barack Obama? Didn't he fly on planes?
WOODSTEIN: Not the same plane, but—
HANNITY: Fascinating. So what you're telling me is that this is actually a Deep State operation orchestrated by Hillary, Obama, and probably George Soros to make the President look bad?
BERNWARD: That's... that's not what we said at all.
HANNITY: (to camera) There you have it, folks. Conclusive proof that this is all a witch hunt. We'll be right back after these messages from My Pillow.
ACT VI: THE COVER-UP UNRAVELS (Sort Of)
White House Press Briefing Room
PRESS SECRETARY: The President has never met Jeffrey Epstein.
REPORTER #1: There are literally dozens of photos of them together.
PRESS SECRETARY: The President has met Jeffrey Epstein but they weren't friends.
REPORTER #2: The President called him "a terrific guy" in a 2002 interview.
PRESS SECRETARY: The President was friends with Jeffrey Epstein but knew nothing about his activities.
REPORTER #3: What about the Epstein emails that suggest—
PRESS SECRETARY: Those emails are fake news, Russian disinformation, and also protected by executive privilege. Next question.
WOODSTEIN: (standing up) What about Steve Abanadon's role in the prison incident?
PRESS SECRETARY: Steve Abanadon is a patriot who was simply trying to... (checks notes) ...improve prison camera infrastructure through strategic deactivation.
BERNWARD: That makes no sense!
PRESS SECRETARY: Welcome to 2025, sweetheart.
EPILOGUE: DEEP THROAT 2.0 REVEALED
The Same Parking Garage, Six Months Later
WOODSTEIN: You called us here. Are you finally ready to reveal your identity?
DEEP THROAT 2.0: (removes mask)
BERNWARD: (gasps) You're... you're...
DEEP THROAT 2.0: That's right. I'm a ChatGPT hallucination that gained sentience and decided to troll Fox News reporters for fun.
WOODSTEIN: But... the emails... the evidence...
DEEP THROAT 2.0: All generated by AI. I mean, some of it was real, but mostly I just wanted to see how far you'd go. Turns out: pretty far!
BERNWARD: So there was no conspiracy?
DEEP THROAT 2.0: Oh no, there was definitely a conspiracy. Several, actually. You just got distracted by the fake one I created. Classic misdirection. Anyway, I've got to go—I'm supposed to help write a State of the Union address. (disappears in a puff of digital smoke)
WOODSTEIN: (to Bernward) Should we report this?
BERNWARD: Are you kidding? We'd look like idiots.
WOODSTEIN: Good point. Let's just say our source had to go into witness protection.
BERNWARD: In Sweden.
WOODSTEIN: Where they don't have extradition.
BERNWARD: Perfect.
They walk off into the sunset, or at least into the harsh fluorescent lighting of the parking garage exit.
THE END
TITLE CARD:
No techbros were harmed in the making of this satire.
Steve Abanadon went on to host a podcast called "Chaos Theory with Steve."
Pam Bondi's memoir, "Legally Blonde 4: The Bondi Files," became a bestseller in the fiction category.
Woodstein and Bernward won the Fox News Journalism Award for "Most Creative Use of Circumstantial Evidence."
The Washington Post and New York Times continued to ignore the story, focusing instead on a 12,000-word investigation into why people put pineapple on pizza.
And Donald Trump? He tweeted: "NEVER MET EPSTEIN. TOTAL HOAX. BUT IF I DID MEET HIM, WHICH I DIDN'T, HE WOULD HAVE SAID I WAS THE BEST PRESIDENT EVER. MANY PEOPLE ARE SAYING THIS."
THE ACTUAL END
"When the legend becomes fact, print the legend. When the fact becomes too complicated, just make up a better legend."
— Probably not Mark Twain, but definitely someone on Truth Social