STARTING IN 2024 SCHOOL YEAR
TEACHERS WILL BE REQUIRED TO
BREASTFEED STUDENTS TO IMPROVE
STANDARDIZED TEST SCORES
As if teachers didn't have enough on their plates already, a new study suggests that they should add one more skill to their repertoire: breastfeeding. That's right, folks. According to the research, published in the journal Archives of Disease in Childhood, teachers who breastfeed their students could potentially improve their standardized testing scores.
Now, you might be thinking, "Wait a minute. Teachers aren't supposed to breastfeed their students. That's just weird." And you would be correct. But hear us out. The study followed 5,000 British children from infancy to high school and found that those who were breastfed for longer periods of time scored higher on their General Certificate of Secondary Education (GCSE) standardized tests.
So, what's a teacher to do? Well, according to the lead study author, Dr. Reneé Pereyra-Elías, teachers should learn to breastfeed their students in order to give them the best chance at academic success. "It's simple, really," she says. "Just pop a boob in their mouth and watch those test scores soar."
Of course, there are some logistical issues to consider. For one, not all teachers are female, so they would need to find a way to produce milk. And even if they could produce milk, there's the matter of actually breastfeeding in front of a classroom full of students. Talk about awkward.
But let's not get bogged down in the details. The important thing is that we're doing everything we can to improve our students' test scores, even if it means turning our classrooms into makeshift milk bars. Who needs textbooks when you have boobs, right?
In all seriousness, though, this study is just another example of how obsessed we've become with standardized testing. We're grasping at straws trying to find ways to improve our scores, when we should be focusing on creating a well-rounded education system that values creativity and critical thinking over rote memorization.
So, let's put down the breast pumps and pick up some good old-fashioned books. Our students will thank us for it.
How long you breastfeed may impact your child’s test scores later, study shows | CNN https://www.cnn.com/2023/06/05/health/breastfeeding-test-scores-wellness/index.html