TRUMP’S MOO-VELOUS MAKEOVER
WHITE HOUSE EAST WING UDDER-LY DESTROYED FOR 90,000-FOOT BILLIONAIRE MILKING BARN
By I. M. Satirist, Special Correspondent to the Court of King Donald I
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a move that has left historians clutching their pearls and Democrats clutching their subpoenas, President Donald J. Trump has announced the immediate demolition of the White House East Wing to make way for a 90,000-square-foot, gold-plated Billionaire Grifting Barn. The structure, which Trump insists is “yuge – the yugest barn in American history,” will reportedly house the latest in AI-assisted billionaire milking technology, a 24-hour grift shop hawking Trump-branded steaks, Bibles, NFTs, and cologne that smells like “victory and hairspray,” and enough red ties to choke a midsize dictatorship.
The barn – tentatively named “Mar-a-Lago North: The Milking Edition” – will stand proudly adjacent to the main White House residence, a gleaming testament to what Trump calls “presidential efficiency.” When asked why the East Wing – home to the First Lady’s offices, the White House theater, and centuries of priceless history – had to go, Trump was characteristically succinct: “I need room to milk my herd. The billionaires. They’re fat, they’re happy, and they’re loaded with cash. It’s time to extract.”
The Milking Machines: “Suckers Gonna Suck”
Gone are the days of quaint, manual grift. The new barn will feature state-of-the-art AI milking stations designed by xAI’s finest (rumor has it Elon Musk himself programmed the suction algorithm). Each billionaire donor – or “cash cow,” as Trump affectionately calls them – will be gently escorted into a velvet-lined stall, where robotic arms adorned with tiny MAGA hats will attach to their wallets with surgical precision.
“It’s humane,” Trump assured reporters at a press conference held in front of a life-size cardboard cutout of himself riding a golden calf. “No pain. Just gain. For me. I mean, America.”
The AI system, dubbed “GriftGPT,” will analyze each billionaire’s net worth in real time, adjusting suction pressure based on stock market fluctuations. “If Tesla drops 3%, we crank it to 11,” a White House aide explained. “If Bitcoin moons, we ease up. Gotta keep the herd healthy for the next cycle.”
The Grift Shop: “Everything Must Go (To Me)”
No barn would be complete without a gift shop, and Trump’s is a masterpiece of capitalist kitsch. Located in what was once the East Wing’s historic ballroom, the “Golden Grift Emporium” will sell:
- Trump Steaks 2.0: Now with 30% more gristle and a certificate of authenticity signed by an intern.
- MAGA Bibles: Printed in China, blessed in Trump Tower.
- NFTs of Trump Milking Billionaires: Already selling for 47 ETH a pop.
- “Covfefe” Brand Coffee: Tastes like burnt promises and tax cuts.
A rotating display case will feature limited-edition items, including a lock of Trump’s hair (allegedly) and a single tear from a crying liberal (synthetic).
Funding: “It’s All Private, Folks – Very Legal, Very Cool”
The project, estimated at $300 million (give or take a few Mar-a-Lago memberships), will be entirely privately funded, Trump claims. Donors already confirmed include:
- Comcast: Contributing $50 million in exchange for a lifetime supply of Trump-branded cable boxes that only play Fox News.
- Alphabet: Ponying up $75 million for the right to name the barn’s AI system “Google Suck 9000.”
- Saudi Arabia: Quietly wiring $100 million “for the cows.”
When pressed on why traditional oversight processes – including the National Capital Planning Commission and the Commission of Fine Arts – were bypassed, Trump shrugged. “I’m the president. I don’t need permission to milk. I am the permission.”
His appointees to the NCPC, a trio of former Trump Organization accountants with zero preservation experience, unanimously approved the project in a meeting that lasted 45 seconds. “Historic? Schmistortic,” one reportedly said. “This barn’s gonna be legendary.”
Critics: “This Is Udder Madness”
Historians are apoplectic. The National Trust for Historic Preservation has called the demolition “a cultural catastrophe on par with burning the Library of Alexandria – if Alexandria had a gift shop.” Democrats, meanwhile, have introduced the “Save the East Wing from Being a Barn Act,” which has exactly zero chance of passing.
“It’s not a barn,” House Speaker [REDACTED] fumed. “It’s a grift with a hayloft.”
Even some Republicans are squeamish. “I support the president,” one senator whispered off-record, “but do we have to milk them on the lawn?”
The Future: King Trump’s Third Term Palace
Trump has bigger plans. The barn is merely Phase One of “Project Presidential Palace,” a multi-decade renovation that will transform the White House into a 1.2-million-square-foot neo-Versailles complete with:
- A moat filled with Diet Coke.
- A Trump Tower Jr. attached to the West Wing.
- A 400-foot golden statue of Trump wrestling a bald eagle (the eagle is losing).
Construction on the palace proper will begin, Trump says, “the day I win my third term – which I will, because the Constitution is more of a guideline.”
Epilogue: A Barn for the Ages
As bulldozers rev outside the East Wing and billionaires line up for their first milking, one thing is clear: Donald Trump has done it again. He’s taken a national treasure, torn it down, and replaced it with something louder, gaudier, and infinitely more profitable.
“This,” Trump declared, gesturing at the rising steel skeleton of the barn, “is what America’s about. Milking. Grifting. Winning. And if you don’t like it, you can moo-ve to Canada.”
God bless the United States of America. And God bless the cash cows.
‘It’s your house. And he’s destroying it’: Trump demolishes White House East Wing - POLITICO https://www.politico.com/news/2025/10/22/white-house-demolition-sends-shock-waves-spurs-calls-for-pause-00618230
White House's entire East Wing to be demolished 'within days,' officials say https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/white-house/trump-administration-demolishing-entire-east-wing-white-house-add-new-rcna239018
