As Joe Biden took to the Oval Office on Friday to deliver a speech on the bipartisan debt ceiling deal, the nation held its breath. Would he stumble over his words? Would he forget his lines? Would he fall asleep mid-sentence?
But as the president began to speak, it quickly became clear that he still had it. His voice was strong, his words were clear, and his wit was as sharp as ever.
In fact, as he delved into the details of the debt ceiling deal, Biden's speech became a masterclass in political comedy. He cracked jokes about Mitch McConnell, teased Nancy Pelosi, and even poked fun at himself.
"Let me tell you folks, negotiating with Mitch McConnell is like trying to teach a turtle to tap dance," he quipped. "It's slow, it's painful, and you're never quite sure if you're making any progress."
The crowd chuckled, but Biden wasn't done yet. He went on to describe the deal in detail, using metaphors and analogies that had the audience in stitches.
"It's like we're trying to balance a stack of pancakes on a rollercoaster," he said. "One wrong move and the whole thing comes crashing down. But with this deal, we've managed to keep those pancakes perfectly balanced."
As the speech came to a close, Biden thanked the American people for their patience and understanding. "I know this debt ceiling business can be confusing," he said. "But trust me, it's nothing compared to trying to explain TikTok to my grandkids."
The room erupted in laughter, and Biden smiled. He may be an old sheep dog, but he still had plenty of tricks up his sleeve.
BROADIE COWBOY MIKE MILES ORDERED TO HOUSTON INDEPENDENT SCHOOL DISTRICT TO PRIVATIZE
Breaking News: Houston Independent School District (HISD) has a new superintendent, Mike Miles, who is here to destroy and privatize the district! Or at least that's what some people are saying.
Miles, a former Army Ranger and U.S. State Department official, has a reputation for being a reformer and a disruptor in education. He started his career as a teacher and principal in Colorado Springs, where he founded a charter school network called Pikes Peak Prep. He then became the superintendent of Harrison School District 2, where he implemented a pay-for-performance system for teachers and principals that linked their salaries to student achievement.
But that's not all! Miles is also a graduate of the Broad Superintendent Academy, a program that trains current and aspiring urban school system leaders in the principles and practices of business management. It was founded by billionaire philanthropist Eli Broad, who believes that public education can be improved by applying corporate strategies and market-based reforms. So, basically, Miles is a corporate privatizer who is here to ruin HISD. Or is he?
Miles was appointed by Texas Education Commissioner Mike Morath on June 1, 2023, as part of the state’s takeover of HISD. The takeover was triggered by years of poor academic outcomes at a single campus in the district, Phillis Wheatley High School; allegations of misconduct against school board members; and the ongoing presence of a conservator who’s been overseeing the district for years. So, it's not like Miles just showed up one day and said, "Hey, let me ruin your schools!"
In fact, Miles has said he decided to come back to Texas and take on the challenge of leading HISD because he believes he can make a difference for the students and families in Houston. He said he plans to focus on 30 of the highest-need schools in his first year, introducing a new staffing model that pays teachers more but cuts some positions like librarians. He also said he will not close any schools in his first year, but that there will likely be closures down the line. He predicted his vision of a transformed HISD would take about five or six years to execute.
But let's get back to the fun stuff. Miles has been described as a military-minded leader who pushes reform but doesn’t do well with politics or people. He has been accused of undermining academic standards, censoring free speech, and imposing his ideology on others. He has also faced lawsuits and complaints from former employees and parents who alleged discrimination, harassment, retaliation, or violation of rights. So, basically, he's like your boss who thinks he knows everything but really just makes everyone's life miserable.
But hey, maybe Miles will surprise us all and actually do some good for HISD. Maybe he'll turn those 30 high-need schools into shining examples of academic excellence. Maybe he'll find a way to pay teachers more without cutting positions like librarians. Maybe he'll even learn how to do well with politics and people!
In conclusion, Mike Miles may or may not be a corporate privatizer who is here to destroy HISD. But one thing is for sure: he's going to have a tough job ahead of him. Let's hope he's up for the challenge. And if not, well, at least we can make some jokes about it.
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has been on a mission to transform the state's education system into his own personal circus. And where better to host this spectacle than in the coastal city of Sarasota? But why Sarasota, you ask? Well, it all goes back to DeSantis' childhood fascination with the Ringling Museum of Art.
Yes, you heard that right. The man who is supposed to be running the state of Florida is more interested in clowns and acrobats than COVID-19 and climate change. But I digress. DeSantis saw John Ringling, the circus tycoon who built the museum, as a role model and rebel who defied convention. And now, he wants to be like Ringling and turn Sarasota into his own personal shrine.
But not everyone is amused by DeSantis' antics. Many residents, educators, students, and parents have protested against his policies and actions, accusing him of undermining academic standards, censoring free speech, and imposing his ideology on others. They have also questioned his motives and priorities, wondering why he is spending so much time and energy on education issues when there are more pressing problems facing the state.
Some have even suggested that DeSantis should leave Sarasota alone and focus on his own backyard. After all, he lives in Tallahassee, the state capital, where he has plenty of work to do as governor. But according to sources close to the governor, there's a reason why he's so eager to leave Tallahassee behind.
It all goes back to DeSantis' college days at Yale University. When he visited Tallahassee with his friends, he fell in love with the Florida State University cheerleaders. He was smitten by their beauty and charm, especially one cheerleader named Casey Black. DeSantis saw Casey as his soulmate and wanted to make her his wife.
But alas, Casey had other plans and rejected DeSantis for another guy. And now, he's running away from Tallahassee to escape his heartbreak and forget about Casey. But let's be real, you can't run away from your problems, Ron.
Many people have mocked DeSantis for being a sore loser and a creepy stalker. They have also criticized him for being irresponsible and immature, wondering why he is running away from his duties and obligations as governor. They have also challenged him to face reality and move on with his life.
But it seems like DeSantis is determined to keep chasing after his dreams of turning Sarasota into a circus of education. Maybe he'll even hire some clowns to teach math and science. Who knows? All we can do is sit back and watch the show. But let's hope it doesn't come at the expense of our children's education.
THE OLD GRAY MARE AIN'T WHAT SHE USED TO BE OR IS SHE
Welcome to the United States of Gerontocracy, where the old gray mare ain't what she used to be. We have a government run by old people, and I'm not talking about the wise and experienced kind. No, I'm talking about the kind that still uses AOL and thinks Facebook is a newspaper.
Our President is 79 years old, which means he was born before the invention of sliced bread. And don't even get me started on the U.S. Senate, where the average age is 62. These guys are so old, they probably think TikTok is a clock that only tells time in seconds.
Now, I know what you're thinking. "But wait, isn't age just a number?" Well, sure, if that number is 21 and you're trying to buy alcohol. But when it comes to running a country, age can be a real problem.
Older people may have experience and wisdom, but they also have a tendency to be set in their ways. It's like trying to teach an old dog new tricks, except the dog has access to nuclear codes. And let's not forget that as we age, our physical and mental abilities decline. I mean, have you seen Joe Biden try to climb stairs?
But why is our government so old? One reason is that people are living longer. And I'm not just talking about politicians who refuse to retire. Thanks to advancements in medicine and technology, people are living well into their 80s and 90s. Which is great news for them, but not so great for the rest of us who have to suffer through their outdated policies.
Another reason is that running for office has become too expensive for younger people. It's like trying to buy a house in San Francisco on a minimum wage salary. Unless you have a trust fund or a sugar daddy, you're out of luck.
But fear not, my fellow Americans. There is hope on the horizon. In the 2018 midterm elections, the number of millennials in Congress doubled. That's right, we finally have some fresh blood in the game. And by fresh blood, I mean people who know how to use Snapchat filters.
These young leaders bring new ideas and perspectives to the table. They understand the struggles of everyday Americans because they're still paying off their student loans. They know how to use technology because they grew up with it. And they're not afraid to speak their minds because they haven't been around long enough to develop a filter.
So what can we do to support these young leaders? Well, for starters, we can vote for them. And not just in presidential elections, but in every election from city council to Congress. We can donate to their campaigns, even if it means giving up our daily Starbucks fix. And we can volunteer our time to help them get elected, even if it means missing an episode of The Bachelor.
It's time for us to take back our government from the gerontocracy. It's time for us to elect leaders who represent us, not just their own outdated views. It's time for us to embrace change and progress, even if it means learning how to use TikTok.
So let's raise a glass of prune juice to the future of America. A future where age is just a number, and where young leaders have a seat at the table. Because if we don't, we'll be stuck with politicians who think dial-up internet is still a thing.
Student debt, oh student debt, the bane of our existence. It's like a millstone around our necks, dragging us down into the depths of financial despair. But fear not, my fellow debtors, for I have a solution! And it involves brushing off that pesky debt and laughing in its face.
You see, student debt relief is a hot topic in Washington these days. Everyone's talking about it, from the president to Bernie Sanders to your weird uncle who always wears a MAGA hat. But what's the deal with all this talk? Why can't we just make our debt disappear with a snap of our fingers like Thanos?
Well, my dear readers, it's not that simple. You see, there are these pesky things called laws and regulations that prevent us from just wiping out all our debt. And Republicans. Don't forget about them. They're like the Grinches of student debt relief, stealing our hopes and dreams with their cold, dead hearts.
But let's not dwell on them. Instead, let's focus on the good news. President Biden has a plan to forgive up to $20,000 in student debt for some borrowers. Hooray! That's like winning the lottery, but without the money. And there's a catch, of course. The plan is facing legal challenges from Republicans who think Biden doesn't have the constitutional authority to cancel student debt without congressional approval. Because apparently, the Constitution cares more about the rights of lenders than the rights of borrowers.
But let's not get bogged down in legal mumbo-jumbo. Let's talk about the real issue here: how do we get rid of our debt and still have enough money to buy avocado toast? Well, my friends, I have a solution. It's called "brushing off your debt and pretending it doesn't exist."
Now, I know what you're thinking. "But wait, won't that ruin my credit score and make it impossible for me to buy a house or a car or anything else I want in life?" Well, yes. But think about it this way: if you don't acknowledge your debt, it doesn't exist. It's like a tree falling in the forest with no one around to hear it. Did it really make a sound? Who cares! You didn't hear it, so it doesn't matter.
Of course, this strategy might not work for everyone. If you have a lot of debt, you might need to come up with a more creative solution. Like robbing a bank or marrying a billionaire. Or maybe just getting a higher-paying job and paying off your debt like a responsible adult. But where's the fun in that?
No, my friends, we must embrace the absurdity of our situation and laugh in the face of our debt. We must make jokes about Sallie Mae and Navient and all those other loan servicers who are constantly harassing us with phone calls and emails and carrier pigeons. We must turn our debt into a punchline and refuse to let it control our lives.
So go ahead, my fellow debtors. Brush off that millstone and show it who's boss. And if anyone asks why you're not paying your loans, just tell them you're too busy living your best life to worry about such trivial matters. Because in the end, isn't that what life is all about? Being happy, even if you're broke as hell?
"Turning His Back on Student Debtors": Biden's Debt Deal Ends Freeze on ... https://youtu.be/K8PFjk7FWT8 via @YouTube
Gone are the days of dirty and repetitive jobs being automated. Now, even high-paid professionals are feeling the heat. Journalists, teachers, lawyers, and even doctors are worried that ChatGPT will replace them or reduce their income. And who can blame them? ChatGPT is a product of OpenAI, a research organization that aims to create machines that can perform any intellectual task that humans can. That's right, any task. So, what's next? ChatGPT performing brain surgery? I wouldn't be surprised.
But fear not, my fellow humans. There are still jobs that ChatGPT cannot do (yet). Jobs that require physical labor, emotional intelligence, creativity, or human interaction. And some people are taking advantage of this fact. Take, for example, the former journalist who now works as a dog walker. Sure, it may not be as glamorous as writing articles for a living, but at least they get to enjoy the fresh air and the company of furry friends. Or how about the former teacher who now works as an air conditioner repair technician? They get to fix broken units and cool down customers while ChatGPT is stuck behind a screen. And let's not forget about the former lawyer who now works as a clown. Yes, you read that right. A clown. They entertain children at birthday parties and make them laugh. Who needs legal advice when you have a balloon animal?
But let's not get too carried away with the job-switching frenzy. After all, ChatGPT is here to stay, and it's only getting smarter. Some experts predict that it could eliminate up to 40% of jobs in the next decade. That's a lot of people out of work. So, what can we do to cope with the rise of ChatGPT? Well, some are trying to adapt and learn new skills. Some are trying to compete and differentiate themselves from the AI chatbot. And some are trying to collaborate and leverage its capabilities.
But let's face it, none of us can compete with a machine that can understand and generate natural language responses to text prompts. So why not embrace it? Let ChatGPT do the dirty work while we focus on what we do best: being human. We have emotions, creativity, and empathy. We can connect with others on a deeper level than any machine ever could. So let's use that to our advantage.
Who knows, maybe in the future, ChatGPT will even write funny articles like this one. But until then, let's enjoy our human quirks and let ChatGPT walk the dogs and fix the air conditioners. After all, we don't want it getting too big for its digital boots now, do we?
ChatGPT took their jobs. Now they walk dogs and fix air conditioners. Read here: https://wapo.st/3WQpmTc
BREAKING NEWS: NPR/IPSOS POLL SHOWS MAJORITY OF AMERICANS BELIEVE MATH IS A SCAM INVENTED BY TEACHERS TO TORTURE STUDENTS
After a surprising look into the latest NPR/Ipsos polls, I have come to the conclusion that Americans have some pretty interesting views on education. And by interesting, I mean downright hilarious.
First up, let's talk about teacher pay. According to the poll, a majority of Americans believe that public school teachers are underpaid and deserve a raise. No surprises there. But when it comes to how to fund those raises, things get a little tricky. Only 37% of Americans support raising taxes to pay for higher teacher salaries. And among Republicans, that number drops to a measly 17%. I guess they'd rather their kids' teachers work for free.
Moving on to what students should learn in school, the poll found that a majority of Americans support having national standards for what students should learn in each grade level. Democrats are all for it, while Republicans are a bit more hesitant. But things get really interesting when you start talking about critical race theory and transgender rights.
Apparently, only 28% of Americans support teaching critical race theory in public schools. For those of you who don't know, critical race theory is an academic framework that examines how racism and power structures shape society and institutions. So basically, it's a way of teaching kids about systemic racism. But apparently, almost three-quarters of Americans would rather their kids remain blissfully ignorant.
And don't even get me started on transgender rights. According to the poll, only 24% of Americans support allowing transgender female athletes to compete on women's and girls' sports teams. And among Republicans, that number drops to a pathetic 4%. I mean, come on guys. Is it really that hard to let people be who they are?
But there is one issue that seems to have more bipartisan agreement: school censorship. The poll found that about half of Americans oppose banning books from school libraries or classrooms that some parents or groups find offensive or inappropriate. Finally, something we can all agree on.
Of course, the poll also revealed some common misconceptions that Americans have about education issues. For example, many Americans overestimate how much public school teachers are paid on average. The median estimate of annual teacher salary among Americans is $60,000, while the actual average teacher salary in the U.S. was $62,304 in the 2019-2020 school year. So basically, we all think teachers are getting paid less than they actually are. Oops.
And then there's the issue of immigrants. The poll found that a plurality of Republicans believe that immigrants are more likely to commit crimes or use public benefits than native-born Americans. But studies have consistently shown that immigrants are actually less likely to commit crimes or be incarcerated than native-born Americans. So maybe we should stop demonizing them?
All in all, the NPR/Ipsos poll offers a fascinating look into how Americans view education issues. And by fascinating, I mean hilarious. From Republicans opposing book bans to misconceptions about teacher pay and immigrants, it's clear that we still have a long way to go when it comes to educating ourselves about these important issues. But hey, at least we can all agree that censorship is bad, right?
